Newcastle 0-1 West Ham: We’re too sexy for sixth place!

In the afterglow of their triumphant victory at St James’ Park at the weekend, the Happy Hammers have started to make plans for the inevitability of European competition next year. An ecstatic Sam Allardyce revealed that the club plans to launch a twin assault upon Europe in the form of the Europa League as well as a shock entry into the Eurovision. This has provoked a veritable stampede of activity at the Boleyn with a variety of acts emerging who could possibly represent the club at the Eurovision.

James Collins has teamed up with fellow Baldy – Hammer’s legend Julian Dicks and the pair are said to be working along with former Right-Said Fred producers to rework the classic ‘I’m too sexy’ to capture the thrilling pop excitement of the Hammers recent Premiership form.  In other developments. Joey ‘the lips’ O’Brien, who’s second cousin once chauffeured two-times Eurovision winner Johnny Logan,  has threatened to go solo in an effort to break into the Eurovision squad.

Meanwhile, Ricardo Vaz Te has been using his time off injured to work on a side career as a pop artist and has teamed up with Modi Maiga to form a Jedward-esque duo that would be sure to take the Euros by storm! Intriguingly, it has emerged that Maiga was an accomplished chanteuse in his younger days - which clearly ends any further similarity with the tuneless young Irish media starlets.
 

Yossi Benayoun is said to be delighted to have the opportunity to represent Israel in the competition – an unusual arrangement that has arisen due to ongoing hostilities and bad relationships with the Arab nations. UEFA insiders have revealed that similar plans are being drawn up for Germany who might best compete outside of Europe – with South America one obvious possibility.

Even more unusual is the proposal to form a Proclaimers-like identical twins combo between Matt Jarvis and Hammers  streetwise afficionado, Danny Dyer. The pair, who were probably separated at birth, share an uncanny ability to duck and dive their way through opposing teams and considered to be 'right crafty' if not watched closely. Others have questioned this possibility, highlighting that the pair have never been seen together and fuelling growing rumours that Matt Jarvis is merely an assumed identity by which Dyer has finally realised his dream of playing for his beloved Hammers!

Finally, It seems that Big Sam may even represent the club himself as that this could provide the ideal opportunity to rediscover his career as bassist with eighties pop-punksters Husker Du.