Man Utd vs West Ham: Heroic Hammers to topple effing effigy

Only a matter of time...

Only a matter of days after it was unveiled, the statue of Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford is already facing the threat of being toppled by marauding forces as those rampaging rebels of West Ham come on a mission to plunder, rape and pillage all they encounter.

Chief rebel commander Roy Keane, who was unable to attend the unveiling ceremony due to bedroom tidying commitments, has blasted the slithering sycophants who attended the gathering and is rumoured to have commissioned Big Sam’s men to bring the statue to his rebel base so that he can personally express his deep affection for Sir Alex’s image.

The normally placid former playmaker has labelled the figure a symbol of oppression and  commissioned a replacement statue in the image of his canine pal ‘Triggs’

Meanwhile, in training earlier this week the Hammers have been focusing upon how best that they can sabotage the Man United machine. Club doctors have identified a novel means of achieving immunity from the descending red mist that frequently overwhelms visiting sides

Other sources have suggested that there is little point to wearing this headgear unless they can also persuade the match officials to also don the protective masks in an effort to maintain impartiality from the noxious and manipulative Old Trafford fumes. Mark Noble’s absence due to suspension is unlikely to pose a problem in relation to his penalty taking duties as statistics indicate that the Hammers have little hope of gaining a fair hearing, with biased offside and penalty calls a gambling certainty.

Meanwhile, Hammers chief tyrant, David Gold added further fuel to the fire by announcing that he is considering reforming the glamorous Hammerettes troupe if his boys can come away with a result. With that incentive, surely there can only be one outcome!