Hammers Look To Onischenko

Naughty: Onischenko and Ings

West Ham's triumphant victory over hapless Liverpool at the weekend was a signal of intent from the increasingly bold East London superclub. However, the celebrations were somewhat muted, principally because of the terrible decision by match referee Kevin (Nobodys) Friend in dismissing Captain Claret Mark Noble for a sliding tackle on Danny Ings. Video analysis vindicates the Hammers midfield lynchpin by clearly demonstrating that he not only got the ball but didn't actually make contact with the theatrical Liverpool forward.

In the outcry after the match many observers have suggested that it is time for football to embrace TMO technology. Still better, the boffins at VERYWESTHAM have comu up with an even better solution that would put an end to diving for good. Drawing from technology used in fencing, whereby contact between the epee (sword) and an opponents vest (or 'foil') is signalled by means of electronic circuitry. Our boffins have suggested that one means of eradicating the Mediterranean cheating culture from football would be to develop similar monitoring equipment for football.

In the case of 'Ingsgate', such an apparatus would have clearly demonstrated that Noble made absolutely no contact with Ings. However, the sceptics are already voicing concerns that such methodology is far from perfect and that the cheats could find a way around it just like the Russian fencing team tried during the 1976 Olympics.

During the team pentathlon, Onischenko managed to register a series of hits even though his epee did not seem to make contact with his opponent. The cheating red was found out however when British team captain Jim Fox demanded that his weapon be examined, revealing a cleverly concealed electrical device that was controlled from the handpiece! The Russians had been set for Gold but instead were sent home in disgrace, with team GB eventually running out the winners.

Let's hope that justice is seen to done and that Noble's unjust red card is rescinded. In addition, Danny Ings should be cautioned as his histrionics after the non-tackle are the very thing that turns many fans away from the modern game.