Thursday 13 August 2015

Top Doc Slams ‘Dr Jose’

As the furore over Jose Mourinho’s criticisms of Chelsea’s medical team during Saturday’s psychological thrashing by Swansea continues, top Medic Harold Windybottom  has dismissed Mourinho’s behaviour as ‘totally bloody unacceptable”. Windybum, who specialises in factitious football behaviour, has suggested that Jose has no business interfering with medical support, even for known chancers like Eddie Izzard.

Jose, who has no known medical qualifications other than an arrogant and pedantic character, appears to have deemed himself an expert in the vagaries of emergency medicine. El Grincho dismissed Dr Eva Carneiro as ‘impulsive and naïve’ when she rushed onto the pitch to tend to Eden Hazard when he collapsed with apparent injury during the match. Even worse, her behaviour endangered his team’s chances of scrapping out a result in a game where they were hopelessly outplayed.

In a severe reprimand of the increasingly caddish Mourinho, Windybutt has referenced examples from the catalogue of medical chancers who have dared to usurp the role of real doctors over the years– a list that amounts to more than 40 documented cases!

For example, In 1992, Mohammed Saeed was jailed for five years for fraudulently practicing as a family doctor in Bradford over a 30 year period. The dodgy ‘doc’ was finally caught when his partners reported his suspicious lack of medical knowledge. Just why it took so long to spot his incompetence remains a mystery!

In 1994, Roy Grimshaw was jailed for fraud during which it emerged that he had previously posed as a surgeon in a private clinic in Lancashire and carried out a variety of surgical operations, including gynaecological procedures and multiple vasectomies!

In 1978, Gerald Barnbaum, a trained pharmacist, commenced working as a physician in California under the name Gerald Barnes. Soon, however, his mismanagement contributed to the death of a diabetic patient and he was duly sentenced to three years for involuntary manslaughter. Upon his release he again started practicing medicine and was jailed twice more for this deception. Perhaps most bizarrely, he then escaped from prison and was only recaptured after two weeks during which he had returned to medical practice whilst on the run! The medical world is braced for his release in 2018.

However, amidst all the condemnation, top International Sports Psychobabbleologist Hansi Van der Cockoo, Jumped to the Special One’s defence; “everybody knows that football is just fun and make believe. Just like wrestlemania, all the moves are carefully choreographed so that nobody really gets hurt. Just ask Eduardo, Fabrice Muamba, or closer to home, John Terry or Petr Cech”.

Make believe

Mourinho is said to be currently licking his wounds and wondering how he can find new ways to manipulate the media. Barry Needyperson, president of the frivolous football fans federation joined the debate “The traditional sledging of referees and opposition managers has become boring and the football watching public want some new nastiness.  Kicking a ball boy was an excellent example of the kind of outrage that keeps Joe Pubic from getting bored (and self destructive), but we want MORE MORE MORE!!!”

Meanwhile, the disciplinefest continues across the Premiership with news that Hammers head honcho Slaven Bilic has banished Morgan Amalfitano from the first team squad in order to ‘protect’ his players from the behaviour of the stylish winger. The precise reasons remain unclear, but are possibly for being deliberately French. With four red cards already this season, Hammers fanciers will be glad to see discipline high up on the Bubbles agenda.

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