Sunday 7 December 2014

Monk Afraid of God!

There is nothing to fear, except fear itself
Both managers have been busy dealing with the media ahead of the West Ham Swansea top of the table encounter at Upton Park this afternoon. While Big Sam has been coy about whether he has a full squad to pick from and how he will use the considerable resources he has at his disposal, Swansea boss Gary Monk has moved to try and relieve anxieties in his camp that they will serve up as poor a performance as their last visit to East London back in February when they hardly turned up and suffered the added humiliation of being outplayed despite having an extra man for most of the match!

"I can't breathe...the walls are closing in"
During the week Monk has spoken in detail about the circumstances around February's encounter which ended with Michael Laudrup being sacked and Monk shifting from club captain to player manager and subsequently to a permanent managerial role. In a candid interview with South Wales Post he revealed his thoughts about the whole affair. However, Hansi von Stresshoover, our resident sports psychobabbleologist has analysed Monk's offerings to the media and concluded that, in fact, despite his protestations, he is terrified of West Ham as evidenced by his repeated use of the F-word during interviews....

"We respected teams and their strengths, but we never feared anyone and we played with too much with fear in that game. It showed from our line-up and the way we set out from the game. It really played into their hands and showed that we were fearing them where we had never feared anyone in my time before".

Von Stresshoover added that he had not witnessed such unbridled terror since watching Paul McGann experience a full-blown panic attack in the opening scene of 'Withnail and I'. Monk's repeated use of the F-Word reveals a deep-seated fear of all things West Ham - totally understandable given that Swansea have picked up only two draws and no wins in their last 11 visits to Upton Park.

Terrifying, and available again...

Von Stressbludgeoner has labelled this fear as ANDYCARROLLOPHOBIA - an untreatable affliction that ends in defensive chaos and defeat for 87% of sufferers. The news is not so good for the other 13% who inevitably experience 'Terminal Sakho-itis' which ultimately has the same terrifying outcome.

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