A nation has watched in suspense ever since Andy Carroll became
the red card victim of Chico ‘Squealin’ Flores’ and his outrageous feigned
injury – a verdict that could seriously jeopardise the Hammers annual survival
push due to the associated three match ban for their swashbuckling star. Alas,
despite the obvious error of Howard Webb’s initial decision, the committee
upheld the suspension in a bewildering miscarriage of justice at today’s hearing.
So far, the best explanation for the surprising decision has
been that the committee were so amused watching video evidence of Flores’
comical and most unmanly histrionics that they could not gather sufficient composure
to deliver a coherent verdict. One member is rumoured to have been hospitalised
with stomach cramps – such was his amusement at the whole nonsense! A porter at
FA headquarters revealed how the committee were allegedly ‘rolling about the
floor in tears – much like Flores antics on Saturday’
In response to the FA verdict, the central war council at VERYWESTHAM have been forced to take the extreme measure
of unleashing the dreaded ‘Curse of the Bubbles’ upon Swansea. Previous targets
have included Luton Town, Oldham, Sheffield United and Wigan. The curse is terrifyingly
powerful and known to result in almost immediate relegation. In the case of
Swansea, the offensive sacking of manager Michael Laudrup may result in their
receiving a ‘Full-Luton’, with the inevitable associated descent into the
non-leagues where the tragic Hatters of Luton now reside.
In related developments, the affair has generated renewed
interest in the cult 80s film classic ‘Withnail and I’ where in one revealing
scene drug dispersal officer Danny stumbles upon an explanation for the reason that
underpins bald men’s annoying tendency for foolish pedantry – “Hair are your aerials man, they pick up the signals from the cosmos & direct them
into your brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight”.
The events have been good news for Danny and his mates - who were
the original developers of dolls that have lifelike functions, such as crying
and incontinence. The industrious chaps are said to be already designing a
prototype Chico-Flores doll with fake
tears and sound effects that include a squealing and whinnying option. The
manufacturers are urging users to only apply the ‘double incontinence option’
for incidents where there is actual contact with the sensitive star – unlike Saturdays
‘coming together’ of the ponytails.
Other products in the new ‘Flores
is a cheating crybaby’ range include a Chico voodoo ragdoll that can be
kicked around or used as a pin cushion with devastating effect upon the hyper-emotional
sportsperson. Stocks are already running low at the Hammers merchandise shops
as angry fans are queuing up to seek revenge on the dishonest defender.
However, for the unfortunate Hammers, this may provide the
perfect provocation in their fight against the drop as previous concerns
regarding possible relegation were deemed ‘only slightly troubling’ since many
of the current squad are deemed too old or not sufficiently skilled to survive
into the Olympic Stadium era. However, todays FA ruling will almost certainly
galvanise efforts as the injustice of the whole affair has now made it ‘personal’.
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