In breaking news it has been confirmed that the controversial
red card received by Andy Carroll in last weekend’s tussle with Swansea has
been over-ruled by an independent body. The Legends against UnManly Play (LUMP), the fastest
growing lobby group in football, have
deemed that the sending off was undeserved and have chalked it down to the
match officials, including the frequently controversial and extremely bald
match referee, Howard Webb.
In scenes reminiscent of Hollywood smash hit blockbuster, Blades
of Glory, the two ‘heroes’ of the story seemed to become tangled up – largely thought
to be due to a nasty ‘coming-together’ of their respective pony tails, and in
the subsequent man bagging Chico Flores experienced the facial equivalent of
phantom limb syndrome with an outbreak of excruciating pain on his mid face - an
area well distant from where he was gently caressed by Carroll.
OOOOgh - that looks Weally Weally sore!!!
Bob Monkfish, who has been a steward at Upton Park for many
years, expressed his concern for Flores, “His howls were gut wrenching – the
lad was inconsolable- it was so bad that
I thought we were going to have to use the humane exterminator gun to put the
lad out of his misery”. Thankfully, the agony was short-lived and he was able
to resume his defensive duties without ill-effect a few moments later.
Only permitted in prison leagues
Nobby Stiles, reputedly named after his naff fashion sense, is thought
to have had a key influence on the decision to overturn the unwarranted red and
the awarding of a new pink card to Chico ‘Squealin’ Flores for his melodramatic
and rather unmanly performance. Moreover, Norman ‘bite your legs’ Hunter and
Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris, both recipients of Lifetime achievements awards from the Heroes against UnManly Play (HUMP), are thought to have been
amazed that the other Swansea players allowed Flores to share their changing
rooms after the match!
The incident has provoked much debate about the state of the
game – some experts have attributed the modern day blight of poncey antics back
to the World Cup of 1990 when Argentinian-ace Claudio Caniggia appeared wearing
an Ena Sharples-style hairnet. While it is speculated that the hairnet was actually
a cunning means of transporting cocaine – a substance that was the centre of
some unfortunate misunderstandings between Caniggia and doping authorities during
his career, many feel that FIFA should have acted sooner to stamp out the nonsense
before it escalated to the modern day epidemic.
Nasri - preparing ready to take out the Sunday roast
It has now escalated to the point where some top stars have even
resorted to stealing oven- gloves from busy housewives as a means of avoiding exposure
to the cold during matches!
Hammers’ legend, Ex- Terminator Julian Dicks, who
has now converted to a half-Dalek due to intractable problems with keen and ankle injuries,
offered some crucial insight:
“The only acrobatics on view in my day were the
somersaults opposing players performed as they ‘celebrated’ becoming the latest
victim of my ‘robust but mostly fair’ challenges. Nowadays players are more
worried about their hairstyles and goal celebrations than the actual match
results”!
However, ever the proactive organisation, FIFA are rumoured
to be working with top sports scientists to identify remedies for the
increasing demasculinization of the game – a process that has engaged many of
the world’s leading psychobabbleologists. Dr Hansi Von smoozlehurst, chief
sports babbleologist at the Zurich Centre
for Sportsfun-Yah! revealed “without football, modern man has virtually
zero outlets for his man-energies. No wonder the birth rate has fallen so low”.
If you could just move aside, Sir!
In developments closer to home, Tommy Smith - AKA ‘The Tank’,
is credited with an ingenious formula that could save modern footie from the
lavender lads by suggesting a quota system whereby sides must field three or
more players with at least one visibly absent tooth – a view echoed by former
Red Devil Joe Jordan. However, plans to augment the quota with a
requirement that squads have at least a 50% ownership of Ford Sierra Cosworths
may be pushing things too far. Similarly, the proposed ban on vegetarians is
thought to be a direct attack upon Arsenal and Man City.
Let's hope that they have a sense of humour and recognise Flores play acting for what it is - a joke!
ReplyDeleteEngland need a fit Carroll - surely that'll swing it
ReplyDelete:-]
Top World Cup referee, will be backed by the FA. What might happen is Flores may receive a retro-spective fine/ban on TV evidence. I cannot see the FA saying there top referee got it wrong. I really hope I'm wrong and Andy gets to stay on the pitch as his club and country need him.
ReplyDeleteIt is not my fault I brutally attacked by lady girl Carol Andy. He fully deserve red card as his vicious swinging arm caught the top of my head so hard it send shockwaves of pain throughout my perfectly chiseled face, in particular my nose. I am lucky my face not damaged further as I need it to pull drunken Swansea ladies of Wind Street every Saturday no?
ReplyDeleteThere are special circumstances as due to his follicularly challenged state, Webb did not pick up on the tangled pony tails as the cause of the incident.
ReplyDeleteI think Mr Flores the English translation of your first name is Cheeto, could all football pundits and commentators please refer to Mr Flores by his English translated name of 'CHEETO' .
ReplyDelete