Thursday, 25 July 2013

Hearn’s head explodes after latest Olympic outburst

In tragic news today it was revealed that a suspected terrorist attack in the East London area was, in fact, the head of Leyton Orient Chairman Barry Hearn finally giving in to the vitriolic rage within and exploding messily all over East London. His head suddenly became even more swollen than usual before blasting in all directions! Fittingly. He may have finally gotten a slice of the action at the Olympic stadium as a small part of his cerebellum is thought to have landed beside the half way line.


The state pathologist has put the death down to natural causes – “Mr Hearn was always expected to eventually spontaneously combust due to the relentless whinging and whining that he engaged in and news of West Ham’s latest success on tour in Germany seems to have finally pushed him too far.


As scorers of the three goals against SV Hamburg, Alou Diarra, James Tomkins and Ravel Morrison have taken equal responsibility for the incident although some observers have suggested that the magical display by Matt Jarvis who was involved in all three goals warrants at least a charge of accessory to the crime. Either way, the FA are hoping that this may finally put an end to the relentless and totally pointless windbagging from the ‘O’s who are now being referred to as the ‘Zeros’ by many observers.

However, Mystic Myrtle Windybottom has warned the Hammers staff to look out for poltergeist activities as Hearn is unlikely to let mere death stand in the way of further futile protesting.

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