Hammers in for Hollywood Hitmen

 

The recent twin departures of Carlton 'Killer' Cole and Robert Hall have launched the Hammers into the market for a new hitman to compete with Andy Carroll for the up front berth. Rumour has it that Big Sam has been given the go ahead to do whatever is necessary to make some high profile signings that will boost season ticket and jersey sales ahead of the new season.

In an effort to improve the efficiency of talent spotting the board have decided to utilise the Harry Redknapp 'video oogling method' to evaluate potential signings and accordingly the two Davids have supplied the manager with an unlimited access four week pass for the local video store at Upton Park.

Outraged by the overpriced mediocrity of the Championship, and fed up with the discarded dross that is up for grabs in the French and other European leagues, the canny manager has turned to Hollywood in order to identify a suitably high profile striker. Andy Carroll's highly credible take on top Hollywood target man Steven Seagal has encouraged Allardyce to look in the thespian zone for further offensive talent.

 

It is rumoured that strong interest has been shown in the prolific Woody Harrelson who may well remind many Hammers faithful of a young John Hartson. His robust style with merciless shooting capacity would be a major assest but unfortunately the big man's propensity for violence towards members of his own squad would argue against such a move - with little Matt Jarvis and delicate Dan Potts possible targets for Berkovic-style ultraviolence.

Other rumours suggest that Big Sam may dip into the Science Fiction Leagues! The return of a Terminator figure to the Boleyn would undoubtedly be popular with fans, especially one with indestructible cyborgian knees rather than a model with Julian Dicks-like design faults. However, recent efforts to sign the Colombian starlet Duvan Zapata may discourage the Hammers as similar work permit difficulties would be likely with such an exotic signing.

An alternative option might be to sign Colin Farrell who demonstrated excellent assassination skills as 'Ray' in 'In Bruges'. However, the film's Belgian location is only likely to bring back disturbing memories of the Hammers devastating defeat at the hands of Anderlect's Frankie Van Der Elst in the 1976 European Cup Winners Cup final. Moreover, Farrell's self harm tendencies may discourage Allardyce who will not want any more injury-prone squad members.

Perhaps the best option might be to sign up a tried and tested hitman pairing - to this end, the Travolta-Jackson team from Pulp fiction a possible return to the TC-God strike pairing of the mid 1980s. However, Jackson's well-documented dietary issues involving excessive interest in various gourmet hamburgers, as well as Travolta's weakness for nightclub dancing are likely to pose a substantial barrier to any deal and may require a simple 'earn as you execute' arrangement.

Ultimately, Allardyce may have to turn to the expensive but ruthlessly efficiency of Anton Chigurh - a character Javier Bardem based upon his observations of the brutal offensive capabilities of the unfortunate and much missed Dean Ashton. One possible issue would be the need for Ashton to take time out from his responsibilities at the helm of The Prodigy in order to assist Bardem in his adjustment to the Premiership.

Other observers have suggested that the Hammers will also need a defensive destroyer after their preseason party came to a shuddering stop with a 4-1 mauling at the hands of FC Mainz from the midzone of the Bundesliga.