West Ham forced to withdraw and recall new kit

In a dramatic effort to stem the chaos that has followed  the recent release of West Ham’s new strip, the club have been forced to withdraw the kit from general sale and recall all items so far purchased due to health and safety concerns.

In the brief period since the strip was put on general release, a flood of dads and other middle-aged past-it tossers have sustained serious back and other ‘I think I’ve done myself a mischief’ type- injuries whilst attempting all sorts of unfeasible footie acrobatics and similar antics aping the team of ’86 on whose kit the new jersey is modelled.

                                                                        What a goal!

Dr Adrian Shagbottom, consultant in accident and emergency medicine at Basildon University Hospital has revealed how their casualty has been filled to the gills with a variety of foolish orthopaedic injuries sustained whilst wearing these new jerseys. In one particularly tragic case, a man from Laindon managed to amputate his right foot whilst attempting a Ray ‘Tonka’ Stewart type tackle on the family lawnmower.

                                                                       Don't try this at home!

As if these tragic developments were not enough to warrant a total recall of the new attire, it has also emerged that other Hammers fans have sustained severe psychological trauma whilst wearing the new top in public places. The jersey is so attractive that it has proven irresistible to the predatory females who stalk the 21^st century. Arthur Winkleweird, a fork lift driver from Pitsea, developed severe tinnitus as a result of persistent wolfwhistling after attempting to do the weekly grocery shopping adorned in the kit.

                                                               Total Babe magnet!

Other fans have made the mistake of wearing the kit out socially and had their niteclub experience ruined by sexual intimidation from steamed up disco-babes. One such victim, Bob Wigglewand explained “the harassment from females was so intense that I couldn’t focus on the music or even enjoy my glass of lager shandy – it ruined my night completely”.

Top psychobabbleologists have warned about the particularly dangerous combination of the new jersey with Frank McAvennie-style blond highlights which it is feared could result in serious crush injuries caused by a stampede of admirers trying to fondle and caress unsuspecting Hammers fans.

                                                                       Dangerously shagtastic!

The strip recall will remind footie fans of similar kit disasters in the past, especially the amusing Man United ‘grey’ kit that was immediately withdrawn after a humiliating defeat during it first airing against Southampton in the 1990s. Similarly, Republic of Ireland fans will feel the sting of old wound relating to their Fluorescent orange strip disaster against Macedonia from the same period. Both of these kits are now much sought after collectors items, offering some hope that the two-Davids might recoup some of their outlay on the new apparel.

 

                                                  The ref gives his verdict on the ill-fated kit

Meanwhile, as Hammers fans descend upon Cork, Munsters second city, Dr Max Intertrigo, chief physician at one of the City's biggest STD clinics, has visiting fans to be careful how they use the new strip especially around the gorgeous Cork girls that await.

                                                                                 Hello boys!

In a statement issued earlier today the FA moved to calm the frenzy but also highlighted how this latest debacle emphasises the many dangers of releasing kits that are simply too cool.