Amid reports that Man United are refusing to even sit down for talks with Wayne Rooney, breaking news from sources around Upton Park indicate that the Hammers would be willing to offer the out-of-form striker a Premiership footballing lifeline with a one year strictly pay as you play deal. In a further demonstration of the depth of altruism at the club, it has been revealed that the East Londoners would be willing to overlook the first two payments that Rooney would be contracted to make for using the club to showcase his dwindling talents. However, in a twist that may ultimately scupper the deal, it has emerged that the directors have absolutely refused to bankroll any further hair extensions or similar non-essential cosmetic interventions that the easily-bored starlet may demand.
For David Moyes the move would be a massive relief as it is rumoured that he is finding it impossible to ensure grim and workmanlike football from any side that includes Rooney - who's propensity for skilfull outbursts is said to be uncontainable. As such there is unlikely to be a major first team role for him in the new ‘back to basics’ Man United side. Moreover, given the likelihood that the Mancunians will drift back to the relentlessly unsuccessful period that preceded Alex Ferguson, Rooney would be likely to find the lack of further major trophies weird and ultimately unacceptable.
There are some other issues that would need to straightened out before any deal can be finalised – for one thing, Rooney would have to stop scoring against the Hammers when they play Manchester United and as such would have to give a firm commitment not to score any own goals in these matches. Moreover, due to Andy Carroll’s preferred hairstyle, Rooney would be strictly forbidden from reverting to his previous mop-arrangements under the one-ponytail-per-team FA rule which has been designed to try and reduce the spread of naff fashion nonsense amongst impressionable young footballing fans.
From a marketing perspective, the move would make perfect sense for the Hammers as they seek to increase their share of the female footie-fanciers market. The current squad is already over-endowed with ‘dishy’ and conventionally handsome types such as James ‘ivory chompers’ Tomkins and Dan ‘Boy-band’ Potts, but the Hammers lack a natural product for those ladies with less obvious tastes, and it is thought that Rooney could fit perfectly into that role.
Either way, Rooney’s limited command of French and reported dislike of snails and other stomach-turning Frog Cuisine represent almost unassailable barriers to any move to Paris St Germain. Given the apparent inevitability of a move to East London, the Hammers are said to be already redesigning their tactical formation to include a massive ‘hole’ behind Andy Carroll for Rooney to fit into.