French Turn Against Pie-eh? Already

Roughly translated as 'who ate all the puddings'

Mon Dieu! Poor old Dimitri Payet - we promised not to mention him again but it's just too damn juicy to pass on the fact that having returned 'home' to France, he now finds that the media are mocking him because of his ...ahem....portly demeanour!

As the major sports publication en France, L'Equipe played a major role in the whole dastardly betrayal of West Ham, but has shown it's colours with a hurtful cartoon in today's paper - accusing poor old Dimitri of eating too much pudding during his time away!

Clearly they haven't even bothered to research the preferred diet of the East End region and at no point mention the local delicacy of pie n mash!

Payet has yet to play a full game for Marseille and after two substitute appearances has had little useful impact and Marseille remain stuck just above mid table in Ligue 1.

Training with the West Ham crew

If he flops at Marseille then we can be sure that there will be loads of clubs happy to take him on at a cut price, but neither St Etienne nor West Ham are likely to be in the queue for the jellied little eel!

Oh No! What's going on with Payet now?

SuperSlaven Bilic really needs to clear up what's going on with Dimitri Payet. rested (again) for Sunday's visit to the Etihad, he seems well and fit to link in with Les Bleus for international duty! David Gold has tweeted to reassure fans that Dimitri is going nowhere (rather like the club over the past fortnight!), but pictures of Payet ready to contribute to the France squad serve to raise concerns about what is really going on - particularly since the transfer window is still most definitely open!

Only SuperSlav will settle our nerves about Dimitri - maybe it's time he admitted that he didn't think we could get a result at the Etihad and decided to spare Payet the hassle of trying to prevent an inevitable defeat? Interestingly, we had a free kick in Payet territory during the match that might have squared things before the Sterling breakaway goal...

Even more difficult to fathom - what on earth is he wearing right now? It really is Naff Naff......Mrs Payet, you need to take your man in hand!

 

Oh No! IT'S TRUE, he's really leaving after all...

That should silence that creepy Icelandic chant thing...

The major discussion point of last weekend was, for once, not whether Dimitri Payet will leave West Ham after the Euros, but rather, that academy graduate James Tomkins might be off to Crystal Palace. This time last year such a move would have been laughably unlikely, but wind on a year that has seen the arrival of the impressive Angelo Ogbonna coupled with the further development of the Reece's, and suddenly Tonks departure is not so crazy an idea. 

The level of debate has been intense, with those in favour citing that Tomkins' distribution when coming out of defence is not sleek enough for Bilic's set up. Conversely, many others (VWH included) still regard Tonks as our best centre back after Winston Reid. Undoubtedly, his versatility as a makeshift right back is an asset but seems to have gone against him under Bilic.

 However, with James Collins well into his thirties, one would think that three experienced centre backs are a mandatory requirement in these days of soft suspensions and high speed injuries. Campaigns in the two seasons prior to Slaven's arrival were both derailed by our lack of adequate cover at centre back that left a gaping hole in our defence that was only partially plugged by the arrival of Roger 'the relegator' Johnson. Can anyone erase the painful trauma of the back to back 6-goal concessions to Man City and Nottingham's Florist?

Initially the rumours sounded as daft as those that suggested he was heading to rejoin Big Slam at Slumberland, but his visible omission from the US trip raised eyebrows and now there are reports this morning that he is on his way for a medical after the agreement of a £12 million deal. For those that see us as a family club that emphasises blending incoming stars with our home grown talent, this has to be seen as a disappointing moment. For those avaricious types who view £12 million as good money, the purpose of the OS move is to end our history of selling off our best talent. In that regard, Tonks has been the best graduate from our academy since Noble before him.

Meanwhile, on the Payet front, despite a relatively quiet night by his standards last night, he demonstrated his two-footedness with a stunning strike with his lesser (?) left foot in a 5-2 mauling of Iceland. The latest display will only serve to further energise the interests of Europe's top clubs and as Tomkins departure highlights, at the right price we are still as selling club! 





 

Payet Kisses Hammer Goodbye

The luck of the Irish ran out this afternoon at the Stade de Lyon. Having taken a shock lead, the Irish enjoyed the better of the first half and could easily have added to their lead by the break. However, the second half brought an inevitable backlash as France piled on the pressure in an effort to keep their Euro dreams alive.

Gorgeous!

That pressure eventually paid off as Antoine Greizmann scored a rapid fire brace between the 58th and 61st minutes before breaking free again to force the hapless Shane Duffy into taking a red card for his team. Thereafter the Irish huffed and puffed by were out of steam in the hot conditions and frustratingly just could not chisel out a chance for an equaliser as the game ended in a 2-1 victory for France.

Dimitri Payet was, by his high standards, relatively quiet throughout but found time at the final whistle to console Hammers teammate Darren Randolph with a kiss. Right now every last gesture from the talismanic midfielder is being subjected to intense analysis as Hammers fans fear that, despite his five year contract, Payet might be tempted into a move to join Zinedine Zidane at Real or to become a crowdpleasing replacement for Zlatan Ibrahimovic at PSG.

Today's events highlight Payet's class and perhaps suggest that he will repay the faith West Ham placed in him by leading our Premiership campaign as we move to the Olympic Stadium. Either way, commiserations to Darren Randolph who once again demonstrated his expertise between the sticks and thus reminding Hammers fans that he represents genuine competition for Adrian.

Let's hope Dazza enjoys a well-earned break before we come back for the new season.

 

Holy Mother of God!!!

Bejaysus, it's a dream start for Ireland. A 'softish' penalty in the first minute for a coming together of Shane Lond and Paul Pogba, dispatched into the back of the net off the post and it's 1-0.

Payet has been pretty quiet thus far as France look rattled and have been largely reduced to an Irish-style game.

Cunningly, Martin O'Neill has held back Wes Hooligan for Extra time, if it arrives..

That 9-1 against price for an irish win looks like a great deal now!

G'wan ya good thing!!!

 

Anyone For a Nice Salad?..... Irish Klingon to Euro Hope

As they say...."Revenge is a dish best eaten cold". However, who exactly are "they" and when did they actually voice this chilling slice of wisdom? Many historians attribute the phrase to French novelist Pierre Choderlos de Laclos' "Les Liaisons Dangereuses". In fact the phrase is not in any of his writings and neither is there any record of his ever voicing these ideas! How fraudulently French - rather like Thierry Henry's basketball masterclass that allowed Les Bleus to progress to the World cup finals at the expense of a brave but ultimately cheated Ireland.

And so to Ireland versus France today...Randolph versus Payet....Endeavour versus craft......Justice versus Thierry Henry. For many observers this is a no brainer - as hosts, it would be a catastrophe were France to be eliminated. Moreover, Dimitri Payet has been the star of the show so far and those who watch proceedings in order to be entertained (i.e. not proper partisan football curmudgeons) will not want the charming talisman to run out of opportunities to wield his magic.

However, for fans of West Ham and of Ireland this is an entirely different call. While Ireland simply want revenge for the Henry nonsense, Hammers fans want Payet out of the Euro shop window. With Zidane and others purring about his performances, it may take more than his current five year contract to keep him in East London next year. Secretly, many Hammers fans have been wishing for a minor injury to halt his charge.

In terms of the contest, Ireland are quoted at 9-1 against to progress - the worst odds for any side still in the tournament. careful analysis suggests this might be worth a punt. Apart from Payet, France have not been particularly impressive to date with Pogba and Griezmann failing to deliver upon their potential. Moreover, Les Bleus are shaky at the back with an aged defence who will struggle if Extra Time comes into the equation. Patrice Evra in particular looks well past his sell-by date.

Meanwhile, for all their limitations (this is the weakest Ireland squad in decades - there are no Giles, Brady, Stapleton, McGrath, Keane et in the current crop), the Irish are well organised and courageous. One senses that they can cancel out France across the pitch BUT with one exception: Payet. Just what Martin O'Neill has planned is unclear but the return of Jonathan Walters to pair up with Seamus the Coal man on the right side will reduce Irish fears somewhat.

If that works in denying Payet space in his favoured position (quite a big 'if'!), Dimitri will drift more central where he will encounter his old sparring mate James McCarthy. McCarthy will need to be on form if he is to prevent Payet providing another masterclass. McCarthy may be considering trying on another scissors tackle like the one that sidelined Payet for six weeks last season, but unlike at Goodison Park, such tactics are unlikely to go unpunished today.

In terms of free kicks, Payet is simply stunning. However, In the Irish goal will be a keeper who trains with him every day and will be better equipped than most to deal with this threat. However, this is an example par excellence where prevention is better than cure. Let's hope the French crowd don't overly influence the referee into awarding spurious free kicks but Coleman, Walters, Whelan and McCarthy need to be VERY disciplined in order to avoid presenting Payet with gilt-edged scoring chances.

The odds are certainly stacked in France's favour but if Ireland can frustrate them then the crowd will get edgy and the notorious wobbly French psyche may come in to play. One would hazard a guess that Martin O'Neill's men have spent more than just a few minutes fine tuning their penalty taking skills in training. If Ireland can cling on for 120 minutes then they can also benefit from Randolph's big presence in goal. If not, they need to look to Karma and the Klingon proverb from Star Trek II, The Wrath of Kahn, 1982.

   

Heartbreak for France at Euros

Incorrigable

The Euros were sent into disarray this evening as Norn Iron were defeated by Gareth Bale leaving the women of France heartbroken at the departure of Kyle 'Sexy Beast' Lafferty from the tournament.

Lafferty is an international dandy man of much regard having been sent home from Palermo and described by their chairman Maurizo Zamparini as an out of control womaniser and 'an Irishman without rules!'

While Lafferty's exit leaves the women of France distraught, the Repuberlic O' Ireland plan to also break the hearts of the men of France by ejecting their soccer team from the tournament tomorrow afternoon.

 

Real Boost for Madrid in Payet Campaign

"I just don't think you understand..."

Just as the magnitude of the Brexit vote is starting to dawn on the British nation it is becoming evident that the Premiership's time as the foremost league in the world is likely to come to an end. Apart from all the likely visa/permit issues for foreign players, the simple factor of sterling's diminishing value will have an immediate impact upon transfer activity.

As sterling's value on the money markets fell to a 30 year low at 10% less than the day before Brexit, so Dimitri Payet's likely cost to foreign Eurozone suitors fell by an equivalent amount, along with his salary value. Conversely, the value of the Hammers reported bids for a variety of top strikers in the French and Italian leagues also fell, with the alleged E40 million bid for Michy Batshuayi now only worth a paltry E36 million.  

With Dimitri Payet gearing up for another likely masterclass against the Republic of Ireland tomorrow, it's looking like events are conspiring against the talismanic midfielder staying at West Ham next season. As Real Madrid fans become increasingly vocal in their demands that Payet be brought to the Bernabeu, this is all bad news for Bubbles fans. Let's hope Seamus the Coal man and Dazza Randolph can halt Dimitri's progress tomorrow and get him out of the spotlight. After the Thierry Basketball outrage of 2010, Ireland deserve a big slice of luck against the French.

Even more disappointment awaits Hammers fans who want to enjoy the adventure of European footie that awaits this season as the cost of following the team in the Europa league will be greater.

One wonders how many Brexit-voting fans factored in these effects in choosing to separate from their European allies with Thursday's vote. Maybe the UK will get a second chance to vote on the matter just like Ireland did in the Nice/Lisbon treaty votes of a few years ago. Moreover, one senses that exiting the EU may turn out to be like trying to terminate a Sky Sports subscription - a drawn out and arduous journey!

 

Double Trouble on the Payet Front

We're off. The biggest Euro Championship of all time has started and already Hammers fans will be worrying about the future of their talisman Dimitri Payet. As usual, the opening fixture was a tense affair with Payet the only shining light. In four moments of genius he put down the gauntlet to other wannabee tournament darlings;

1. By providing an inch perfect cross for the opening goal of the tournament.

2. As the game looked to be drifting into a turgid stalemate of mediocrity, Payet made three Romanian midfielders look like village idiots with one of his midfield ball juggling manoeuvres....'now you see it, now you don't'....sublime!

3. Just as the French were preparing to settle for a point - reasonable given that the host side has only won the opening fixture once in 30 years - Payet decided to set the tournament alight with a goal out of nowhere. He received the ball surrounded by three Romanian defenders but his first touch created a yard of space and with his weaker left foot he curled the ball into the top right hand corner of the Romanian net. Truly sensational.

4. He treated the artistic and emotionally inclined French media to some patriotic tears. Audacious!!!

Bad news for Hammers fans as Payet is now firmly installed as the most desirable player on the planet! PSG, Barca, Real Madrid were all watching, undoubtedly with considerable envy.

The bad news for Dimitri is that France were disorganised at the back with an ageing Patrice Evra especially off the pace and thus would appear to have little chance of competing against the better sides.

 

Latest Payet Outrage

He's been at it again! After a stunning performance in his return to International duty against Holland at the weekend, Dimitri Payet had to wait until the 62nd minute to get some action against Russia at the Stade de France last night.

However, the Hammers star was on the pitch a mere two minutes before he brought the house down with a trademark free kick strike from 37 yards! after a series of audacious flicks he then settled matters in the 76th minute with a delightful through pass for Kingsley Coman to seal things.

Watch out Palace as the man is on fire!