In developments that are in no way surprising, Captain Claret Mark Noble has revealed that he plans to remain at West Ham for all of eternity. Having finally graduated as a Hammers legend, Noble is expected to sign up to a new 325 year playing contract at the club. Fans have expressed their delight at what is widely perceived as only ample reward for his many years of loyalty and commitment.
While some critics have expressed surprise at the length of the contract, club sources have revealed their logic “Mark’s agent explained to us that he has Timelord abilities and thus the capacity to represent the Hammers ad infinitum and simultaneously across time. As you might expect we were initially quite sceptical but a search of club records provided conclusive proof of Marks repeated presence at the club over its full history”
Rumours have been circulating for some time that Noble’s commitment to West Ham is so great that he has appeared for the Hammers in a number of previous incarnations that predate his 'official' first team debut in 2004. Here below, for example, he is with the Cup winners cup winning team – unbelievably back then the young Noble was reimbursed at a mere two shillings and sixpence a year for his pre-Bosman efforts!
And again, here (back row, left), turning out for an early Thames ironworks side – Noble is readily recognised by his trademark nonchalant sideways glance
And here arriving at Wembley with fellow West Ham fans arriving for the 1923 FA Cup final pitch invasion. This incarnation was unusually untalented at soccer and therefore expressed his club devotion by leading the ironically named ‘casuals’
At a press conference earlier today Mark was able to reveal some startling developments in football into the future. As the Captain of our famous future three in a row Eurozone championship team in 2145, he noted “It’s all got so much easier since Man United and Chelsea abandoned football altogether and became a space basketball team”
Sadly, Noble's special abilities do not allow him to influence referees and as such Michael Oliver's outrageously poor performance at the weekend will stand and the Hammers recent push towards a much-deserved European place will remain stunted by the series of incomprehensible decisions that allowed the Sagging Baggies to seize an undeserved draw. There are some things that even a timelord cannot do.