Thursday 27 September 2012

Omnipotent and Omnipresent: Noble Joins Hammers Royalty

In news just in, it has been announced that Mark Noble has agreed a new 125 year contract with West Ham United. Fans have expressed their delight at what is widely perceived as only ample reward for his many years of commitment involving no small amount of sweat and tears. Hopes are high that this will be followed by the International call up that he richly deserves.

However, some critics have expressed surprise at the length of the contract that has been offered. In response, club sources have revealed their logic “Mark’s agent explained to us that he has Timelord abilities and thus the capacity to represent the Hammers ad infinitum and simultaneously across time. As you might expect we were initially quite sceptical but a search of club records provided conclusive proof of Marks repeated presence at the club over its full history”

Rumours have been circulating for some time that Noble’s commitment to West Ham is so great that he has appeared for the Hammers in a number of previous incarnations. Upon realising the significance of his time travel, the club decided to snap him up on a long-term contract.
Here below, for example, he is with the Cup winners cup winning team – unbelievably back then the young Noble was reimbursed at a mere two shillings and sixpence a year for his pre-Bosman efforts!

And again, here (back row, left), turning out for an early Thames ironworks side – Noble is readily recognised by his trademark nonchalant sideways glance

And here arriving at Wembley with fellow West Ham fans arriving for the 1923 FA Cup final pitch invasion. This incarnation was unusually untalented at soccer and therefore expressed his club devotion by leading the ironically named ‘casuals’

At a press conference earlier today Mark was able to reveal some startling developments in football into the future. As the Captain of our famous future three in a row Eurozone championship team in 2145, he noted “It’s all got so much easier since Man United abandoned football and became a space basketball team”

He also smiled when asked to describe the future fate of Sheffield United – Tragically they never recovered from their multiple relegations after the Tevez affair, especially when an appeal resulted in them having to return the 24 million compensation that they received from West ham. After that they were bought out by fellow whingoids - the Daleks- and used as training fodder for the dalek space rugby league team (Division 3B: Northern section, Tuesday nights).

But it’s not all fun and games in the future as Mark noted how technology had allowed for some particular obstinate personalities to prolong their lives, resulting in the inexterminatable version of Neil Space Warlock Warnock, last seen complaining about refereeing standards on the bleak and desolate planet of Mongo 7. Brrrrrrrrr!


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