Saturday 15 September 2012

Nervous Norwich braced for Beelzebubbian battering

The atmosphere is hotting up ahead of today’s lunchtime visit of West Ham to Norwich. The angelic East Anglians are bracing themselves for a hellish onslaught from the Hammers, who it is rumoured have become increasingly beholden to the hoofed one having traded their souls for soccer success in the recent transfer window.

Lucifer relaxing in the 1975 Cup final leisurewear range

Canaries caretaker, Chris Hughton, has cited damning evidence of witchcraft at Upton Park, including Andy Carroll’s remarkably rapid recovery from a "six week" hamstring injury. This has raised suspicions that foul-work may well be at play, and that the Hammers have abandoned the limitations of conventional medicine after the frustrations of Kieron Dyer’s persistent absenteeism.

It has long been rumoured within footballing circles that Allardyce has dabbled with diabolical practices stretching back to his first managerial job with Limerick FC. It is said that Sam made a deal with the devil during an all night poker lock-in that went horribly wrong – a pact that has stood him in good stead ever since, apart from a spell at Newcastle – a heinous mess of a club that even Satan himself could not make successful!

Fiendishly competitive
It is also thought that the disastrous draw-fest that bedevilled the Hammers towards the latter end of last season forced Sam to turn to fellow disciples of the dark one. While no specific names have been mentioned, some of Sam’s recruits have been suspiciously demonic – from the fiendishly competitive Joey O’Brien, to Scandinavian death-metal fancier Jussi Jaaskelainen and, of course, the devilishly talented Carlos Ricardo Te Vaz.

                                               Jussi laments his diabolical goalkeeping error vs Swansea

It has been speculated that things could escalate to involve actual player sacrifices. However, observers have noted that Julian Faubert’s continued presence at the club for four seasons would strongly indicate that the Hammers are yet to indulge in such practices. None the less, particular fears have been expressed for Grant Holt who spent much of the Summer meddling with the Hammers mojo in an attempt to leverage a better financial deal with the Canaries. Sources have warned that should he fail to repay his debt he could endure a similar fate to the hapless Rob Green, who having forsaken Satan’s Hammers, has experienced a laughable loss of form that has seen him cast down into the dark and unrelenting hell of QPR’s reserves.

                                                   Rob Green, not playing for West Ham

While the latest outbreak of Satanism at the club has been attributed to the arrival of Dr Evil as club manager, there have been mutterings for years that West Ham and England’s proudest football moment may have involved some unnatural elements, including the probable demonic possession of the Russian linesman.

No' 6 in '66
Norwich can expect similarly unforgiving treatment from Beelzebub’s battalions today. 


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