Friday, 31 January 2014

Hammers in last minute swoop for Lampard and Zamora!

Recent events down in the Championship have served to highlight a new source of footie talent for panic-stricken premiership clubs to tap into during the January desperation transfer window. Rex ‘crazy dawg’Widdlespoon injected a sense of real excitement to an otherwise dull Rothersnore United versus Comatown Athletic League Two match by seizing possession of the match ball and going on a mazey Giggsian run for all of 4 minutes before the Rothersnore keeper managed to dispossess him with an outrageous challenge that went unpunished by the match referee!

Ooo-definite contact, that’s gotta be a penalty

Hammers boss, Big Sam Allthedice, upon learning of young Rex’s acrobatics,has immediately diverted his scouts in search of similar canine talents. Early indications are that the Hammers may have hit the jackpot as some former Upton Park favourites are unexpectedly out of contract and readily available should Big Sam decide to swoop!!!

I'm with fatso!
A small minority of Hammers fans were disappointed when recent efforts to re-sign Frank Lampard Junior proved unsuccessful, but will be delighted to hear that the other (much less arthritic) footballing talent of the Lampard family is readily available and straining on the leash for a bash at Premiership football.

Deadly strikers

In even better news, the Zamora family name may also soon be back where it rightfully belongs on the Hammers team sheet as young Zeus Zamora (or ‘ZeeZee’ as he is likely to be called by Hammer’s fans) is also available on a free transfer and would be likely to accept a minimal remuneration package comprised of dog nuts and a promise to allow him to hold on to his match balls.


Ecstatic fans have commented how these signings can re-ignite the longstanding Hammers tradition of promoting canine talent through its much admired kennel-like academy system. Previous graduates include the tenacious midfield stopper Martin ‘Mad Dog’ Allen who is well remembered for adding much needed bite to the Hammers midfield in the early 1990s
The Bard of Barking is expected to return to the Boleyn

Moreover, the signings would be likely to bring back to the Boleyn some disgruntled fans who have drifted away from the club due to a perceived lack of representation of local talent from previous feeder clubs clubs such as Dogenham Rovers and Barking FC.
That'll stop you lofting it up into the sky

Other sources see the signings as an ideal antidote to the clubs perceived recent over-reliance upon hoofing the ball up in the air, as these new signings are likely to impose a style that requires that the ball remains at ground level.

Meanwhile, in other transfer news, the trend for canine signings seems to be catching on as various Premiership clubs unleashed new signings this week…
Palace's new defensive lynchpin

Arsenal identify back up for Baccary Sagna

Man City unveil the new Balloteli

Chelski locate suitable cover for while Hazzard is serving his ban

Errr.....a new Captain for Chelsea?

Thursday, 30 January 2014

'Medieval' - just like Game of Thrones!

In rancorous scenes reminiscent of TV’s Game of Thrones, VERYWESTHAM’s press office are rumoured to have issued a footie fatwah against the unsportsmanlike Chelski manager Jose ‘ Joffrey’ Moaninho, who last night branded the gallant Hammers troops “medieval” after they frustrated his impotent Chelsea side at Stamford Bridge.

An outraged Hammers follower ranted – “That Mourinho is a right noisy little pipsqueak, just like that horrible little Lannister boy what had Sean Bean Killed in Game of Thrones”. In a further Joffrey-like outburst, The Spiteful One  suggested that West ham had ‘cheated’ their way to what most independent observers (i.e. Chelsea-haters) have labelled a well-earned point.

In a series of vitriolic exchanges, Hammers fans have likened Mourinho’s expensive strike force to the high profile Eunuch of Kings Landing who – just like the overpriced Blues - is better with words than his sword.  

Meanwhile, Hammers boss Sam ‘Tyrion’ Allardyce smirked as he outlined how he had outmanoeuvred his narcissistic equivalent at Chelsea. Mourinho was expecting an aerial attack so we decided to defend in numbers on the ground. Frank ‘Kingslayer’ Lampard almost had a hand in undoing the Hammer’s efforts with a late effort but goalkeeper Adrian palmed it away superbly.

In other 'Thronie' football developments, Sean Bean who, just like his beloved  Sheffield United, exited the action a number of seasons ago, is said to be even more unhappy than usual after the footballing world once again conspired to rub salt into the festering wounds of Tevezgate.” I’m sick of those bloody Southerner City types” whined the high profile Bladewatcher.

There was happier news for the impotent Chelski side as Soccer legend and Erectile dysfunction advocate, Edson Arantes Do Nascimento AKA Pele, has offered a proven effective solution for the limp Chelsea strike force

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

The Spiteful One threatens to turn Bob on Sam's Heroes!

In his latest manbagging outburst, Jose Moaningyo AKA "The Spiteful One" lashed out at West Ham's superb defensive display at tonight's 0-0 draw at Stamford Bridge as Football from the 19th Century! Moreover, as the below average statured person continued to lose his composure, the nastily narcissistic Chelski Boss tried to distract from his uber-expensive sides inability to deal with resolute defending and threatened to turn all Bob the Builder on the Hammers by taking a Black and Decker Drill to them!

For Hammer's fans the whole episode proved to be a source of great amusement as Chelski huffed and puffed without adequate craft to break down the Bubbles back line and even when they did, the omnipresent Adrian simply refused entry in what was his finest display for the Hammers to date.  

Considerably more-manly Hammers boss Sam Allardyce refused to be dragged into the ill-spirited namecalling and merely smiled at the Portuguese's frustration and said he'd be back to fix things on Tuesday week, probably.


Sunday, 26 January 2014

Hammers get Extreme Makeover Treatment

As we approach the final few days of the January transfer window seeking major signings to boost the dwindled ranks at Fortress Boleyn, the ever-proactive board have moved to address the worrying shortage of fit and able players. In response to the disappointment of being cruelly rejected by former Dutch International Johnny Heitinga and turned down by strikers Ishak Belfodil and Lacina Traore, and in order to reverse the horrible trajectory towards the Chumpionship, The Davids and Mrs Brady-bossy lady have taken on the services of a professional makeover company who will be ‘redesigning and reframing’ the unpopular club.

Here at VERYWESTHAM, we can reveal the ins and outs that have been identified as crucial to rescuing this lamentable season.

IN: David Sullivan has decided to drop the velvet dinner jacket posturing of old and taken on a much more streetsmart image that should appeal to today’s gangsta-style footballers. At the very least it is hoped that it might convince Ravel Morrison to keep hanging with the homies at Upton Park. 

OUT: Red Cardies – yes, that goes especially for you Captain Kevin and You Romeo Tomkins. Let’s try and keep all eleven on the pitch as we face a run of crucial fixtures where anything can tip the balance for or against us aswe seek those 22 points BFS thinks we need before season's end.

Out: Sleeping on the job – We hope that you are listening Mrs Brady- you need to set an example for the players, especially our dozy defence who have been gifting goals to all sorts of no hopers, including Mr angry, Hammers-reject Marouane Chamakh!

IN: Reid and Collins at Centre back – remember when we were in the top ten defensive sides in Europe a few months back – strange how that coincided with these two warriors forming a watertight partnership at the spine of our side. Hmmmm. They are set to be re-united over the coming week or so and that can only be good for the leaky Hammers defence. Sam’s whole Footie philosophy is predicated upon not conceding goals…..

OUT: Whingy fans who blub at the disappointment of an inconsequential third round cup defeat by a second string side who were merely getting some training practice ahead of the important matter of a series of important Premiership six pointers.

IN: RVT– remember two years ago when by Crimbo we had hit a plateau – and after a run of draws looked likely to be facing a second year in the championship – that is until the arrival of RVT! Wind forward two years and we await his return after a nasty injury – any day now he’ll be back in all his inconsistent and finest unpredictability! Never mind opposing teams, most of the time his own team mates have no idea what he is going to do next. Maybe that’s why he smiles so much!

IN: The second coming for AC, rapidly gaining match fitness. How we look forward to his considerable ability to influence the flow of games, and who knows, with his ability to hold the ball up we might get above the paltry 40% ball possession we have been averaging so far this season!




Saturday, 18 January 2014

De Pardew Looks to Hammer’s Chunnel for success

The international series continues at Upton Park as the recovering West Ham take on Gallic visitors in the form of Noocasselle United – a game that has numerous interesting subplots but which the Hammers really need to win in order to move on from the recent traumas in the FA and Capital One Cup competitions.

Irritatingly for the Bubbles Boyz, the West Ham ‘welcome’ to Fortress Upton Park has been way too warm this season with a measly two home victories and 50% of visitors to date going home with all three points! Moreover, there can be no doubting that under De Pardew Newcastle have discarded their poor travellers label and have picked up an impressive 18 points on the road already this season.

In defence, Big Sam and his team can point to the black hole of injuries that has robbed his side of so many key players and in turn created a whopping big hole in the middle of the Hammers defence with all three of their first choice centre backs succumbing to injuries over the recent past.

The resulting ‘chunnel-like’ hole is exactly what the visiting French side will hope to exploit today. Alain de Pardew, no relation to Gerard, will be directing his foreign legion to jump on board the Eurostar that has provided Nottingham’s Florist and Manbag City such enjoyable trips over recent weeks.

Even worse for Big Sam, his side will also be missing Guy Demel their most consistent defensive performer so far this year. The tough tackling right back has an impressive 93% tackle success rate but has to sit this game out as he recovers from a concussion sustained in the  victory away to Cardiff last week. Newcastle have plenty of pace and penetration down the wings and West Ham will need to counter that today if they are to avoid another defensive carve up.

On a more positive note, James Collins seems set to return and will add much needed organisational skills to what has been a headless back four of late. The unlucky James Tomkins is supended after his harsh sending off last week but Roger ‘Magic’ Johnson will be available and can hopefully build upon a steady performance at Cardiff.

The big talking point has been the return of Andy Carroll who is likely to start on the bench today but even with a 20 minute cameo was able to demonstrate to Hammers fans just what we have been missing up front as he dominated physically and had a big part in West Ham’s second goal against Cardiff. Hammer’s fans will be looking to see him linking up with unsettled starlet Ravel Morrison who will hopefully get the chance to demonstrate his commitment to the cause today and with his attacking prowess will enjoy the openings that Carroll’s presence generates.

An added incentive for the Hammers is to keep the boisterous Newcastle fans quiet, and although many will be too busy stuffing their faces with the Boleyn ground’s fantastically healthy pies, followers of modern music will be rooting for the Hammers to keep particular followers of the Magpies well silenced as a victory could lead to the tantric one composing a celebration song or other similar aural atrocities.

                                                        Oooh! Put that chicken away missus
VeryWestHam starting XI: Adrian, O'Brien, Collins, Johnson, McCartney, Noble, Diame, Morrison, Downing, Jarvis, C.Cole. Expect carroll to appear with 20-25 minutes to - regardless of the scoreline.

Thursday, 16 January 2014

The latest must-have for all Hammers fans

West Ham United have proudly re-launched the centre points of their upmarket merchandise range today, which includes a new garden furniture collection with a variety of highly desirable objets d’art and as its premier piece, a pair of ‘David gnomes’ – small figurines of the popular club directors that are available for a mere £11.99 each.

The Hammers have decided to branch out into this new area in an effort to generate much needed funds for the proposed purchase of a back up striker to Andy Carroll in the current January transfer window. Ironically, Andy is rumoured to be a bit of a greenfingers himself and likes nothing better than a glass of sherry while he relaxes beside his carefully pruned petunias or a quiet evening in watching his Alan Titchmarsh DVD collection.
In a complementary gesture, West Ham have also started working on a Hammers brand of sherry for those fans who might wish to get a little piddly beside their Davidgnomes. Working names at present  include ‘Claret n Blue’ and, for the alfresco imbiber, ‘Hammered’.

                                                                 Fcuk Arsenal , I'm Hammered
However, Hammers fans have been warned not to overcrowd their gardens with the figurines as it is feared that in quanitities of three of more they may develop tribble-like qualities – a concept that will be familiar to all Star Trek followers and that involves rapid replication of the cute little cuddlies to the point whereby they can become a downright nuisance and even an environmental hazard!

East London Council Health and Safety Department have launched an advertising campaign to raise awareness of the potential risks amongst unsuspecting Hammers fans.
                                                           The di-lithium crystals cannae cope with them Captain

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Hammers prepare for trip to North Korea!

It's gotta be two up front?

After West ham's stunning initial success with the strikerless 4-6-0 formation, there can be no doubting that the tactic has backfired and manager Sam Allardisi has been forced to come up with a new strategy in the hope of avoiding Premiership relegation. Today, for once, there was some good news for beleaguered Hammers fans with the announcement that they have been successful in their permit application for Lacina Traore. This, along with last weekend’s return of the athletic Andy Carroll, means that Big Sam can unveil his all new Hammers squad formation.
Take a wild guess which one is Traore!
The expert psychobabbleologists view is that Sam’s recent near-sacking experience has ‘encouraged’ him to look towards a more entertaining brand of footie, and to that end he has opted for a new formation based upon those international superstars at the Harlem Globetrotters. Known for their extreme athleticism and entertaining showmanship, the basketball outfit provide the ideal model for East london’s finest. moreover, with the incredible height within his current squad, Sam can finally bring the Bubbles to a new elevation. At a nosebleed-inducing 6 foot 8 inches tall, Traore will be the tallest player to ever turn out in the Premiership meaning that Peter Crouch can honestly seek a change of name by deed poll to silence the chuckles that his current moniker provokes!

In addition, it is speculated that top international peacemaker, Denis Rodman, with his recent political basketball mission to North Korea may have also opened the way for lucrative visits from soccer teams – with West Ham’s new Basketball ethos likely to put them to the front of the quickly forming queue to visit the luxurious tourist paradise that is Pyongyang. Moreover, Big Sam Allardyce is likely to welcome the opportunity to meet with National director of football, Kim Jong il to discuss ways of keeping exciting Ravel Morrison in check and to formulate an appropriate response to Fulham's unsavoury 'tapping up' of the young star. 

Let’s hope the whole project isn’t ruined by the small matter of agreeing personal terms with the towering striker!

Saturday, 11 January 2014

Half time cancelled as Hammers finally get some momentum

In a lively first half at Cardiff City Stadium, West Ham have managed to seize the lead by virtue of  Carlton Cole strike. The Bubbles Boyz have rode their luck during an eventful first half with both sides testing the woodwork, and Cardiff having a goal-line technology query incident.

Disastrously, Guy Demel has gone off with what looks like a nasty injury after colliding with Roger ‘Magic’ Johnson who has finally managed to successfully tackle somebody, albeit his own player! Johnson then almost magicked himself from villain to hero with glancing header that just went wide.

With all the furore around unlucky Demel’s injury, the match officials have awarded a full ten minutes injury time. It seems pretty likely that the half time tea will have gone cold -  but given our poor second half performances of late, maybe we would be better off without the break. However, for Carlton Cole, Hammers fans will almost certainly donate some of their deliciously warm thermos tea to the big man.

We should however note that Carlton has a rather nasty habit of making crucial errors after scoring – hopefully that won’t happen today before big Andy makes his LOOOOOOOOOONNNNNG AWAITTTTTTEEEEDDDDD return. Also, it's been announced that former Hammer Craig Bellamy will be coming on for the second half. However, with AC, Diame and Joe Cole on the bench, can we dare to hope?

The REAL problem at West Ham

Problems at the Boleyn House
After all the ridicule of the past week, some of which has been disrespectful and even offensive, it’s time for Hammers fans to get behind the team, and Big Sam, and push for Premiership survival. In truth, the Man City tie was always going to represent a punt at best, and without so many key players from our ‘spine’ there was little hope beyond the fabled romance of the cup.

Forget about Carroll, our biggest problem has been the gaping hole in the middle of our defence. From the moment Tomkins hobbled off against West Brom it was only a matter of time until Anelka broke our trembling hearts. The subsequent set piece pantomimes were almost too much to bear as we were a comical mess. Baggies fans were surely disappointed to not take all three points against a shambolic Hammers side as we realised that our only chance was to score goals and hope for the best at the back!

The calls for Big Sam’s head are harsh – on-field we have enjoyed none of the luck that buoyed us last year, while the injury crisis has been almost unbelievable. Allardyce and the board gambled on Carroll’s fitness – but in all honesty the ankle problem seemed minor back in June, but they cannot be blamed for losing all three first choice centre backs and the subsequent farce serves as a visible example to young observers as to how important position sense in defence is to a team’s cohesion.

If Allardyce is to go, it should be when the team is stabilised and because we want to change our style, NOT as a panic response to bad results with a team that has lost it’s structure. A new manager will not suddenly undo the injury crisis – time is the only healer there. The unwillingness of many players to join us in the transfer window is probably a blessing in disguise as there are few available who have anything to offer beyond a short-term plaster role. At present, Allardyce is one of the best equipped managers to handle the pressures of the looming relegation battle. We would be best served to look at Mackay and all the other options in the Summer.

The criticism of Roger Johnson has been unfair – he was asked to adapt with only 2 days preparation to face one of the most fearsome strike forces in world football. Whether he can make a useful contribution remains to be seen, and there can be no doubting that he has not played at the highest level for a number of years, but with Reid not scheduled to be back until the end of January, and Collins’ absence still ‘indeterminate’, We need him to forge a partnership with the returning Tomkins asap.

 Cardiff today is another crucial match. Forest and City were mere distractions from the most wounding result of recent times when we surrendered a winning position against Fulham. From an optimistic perspective, of our next 7 Premiership fixtures there is a realistic opportunity to try and get something from six of them, and maybe the second leg against Man City can provide and opportunity to recover some self-respect. The imminent return of Andy Carroll is as important symbolically as it is in practical terms as it signals a return to having a proper offensive threat and his contribution at defensive set pieces should not be underestimated. Four points from the next two games would undo most of the damage of the last week. Whatever happens, we better start getting points on the board soon as our run in looks painful with Liverpool, Arsenal, Tottenham and Man City all likely to be desperate for points in the tightest Premiership campaign of living memory.


Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Hammers undone by bizarre refereeing decisions and poor visibility in tense affair

For the second game in succession, Big Sam's troops fell victim to some bizarre refereeing antics and came out the unlucky side of a tight 6-0 thriller at the Etihad stadium. In truth, the match officials were faced with challenging circumstances on a wet Manchester evening where visibility was poor, with many observers suggesting that the match should have been abandoned when Man City scored an outrageously fortunate fourth goal as poor Adrian in the Hammers goal was unsighted.

Luck tends to balance out in the end, and undoubtedly Big Sam and the troops will be expecting better fortune for the replay in 13 days time. Meanwhile, it's back to the Premiership humdrum where the Bubbles boyz will look to push on from their present position at nineteenth in the league.

Even more distressing than this evening
In other news, it is likely that an investigation will be launched into Yaya Toure's cynical injury feigning antics whereby the modest midfielder pretended to be unable to continue before doing a Stevie Gerrard on it and suddenly popping up unimpeded by injury to score a crucial game changing strike for the Moonies. Hammers fans will remember how similar dirty tactics were used against them in the 2006 Cup final which ended in a draw.

In other news, a young Hammers fan burst into tears and had to have his PS4 confiscated when he mistakenly set the difficulty level on FIFA-14 to 'World class' and found himself hopelessly outplayed by the ruthless computerised game. Apparently, the poor lad tried everything to get the controls to work but simply couldn't get a kick of the ball and went through extended periods with only 20% possession before noticing the error.

the manufacturers have agreed to set limits on the game so that users will be less likely to suffer such psychological scarring when engaging with the 'game'.

'Magic' Johnson to make the difference

"We fear not death, but the dying is killing us"   [Mise Myself, 2014]

The heroic Hammers head off for a veritable slaying tonight at the Etihad stadium where they face possibly the most expensive team ever assembled on their own patch and during a period when they are thrashing all comers and the misfiring Hammers are being thrashed by all comers and have conceded 16 goals in their last five matches - and not to particularly deadly opposition either!

With all sorts of injury problems and confidence at an all-time low after a 5-0 whipping at Nottingham Forest, the bubbles boyz will hope to pull off one of the all-time shocks in overcoming their hosts. even worse, this city side under Count Dracula are renowned for lacking any capacity to ease off once they sense blood - especially where they face a two-legged clash where they will want to finish the tie off tonight. It's hard to think of a tie between two Premiership sides where one has been more clearly the underdog - possibly in the history of the league!

Did we mention that the Hammers have only beaten City once in the last 15 meetings between the sides? Or maybe that Man City have scored 34 goals in their last 9 home games. Or that West Ham are 16-1 against while City are 2/11 on to win with the bookies. Hmmm.

With no recognised centre backs fit, an absent main striker, a captain on suspension and an array of other injuries, in comes Roger Johnson to save the day. Fans of his previous club have been quick to note that the only magic to occur around the unlucky Johnson is for teams he plays for to disappear to a lower division - a feat he has managed for each of the last three years at Birmingham City and Wolves (twice).

Still, it's the cup, and on nights like tonight heroes are born.

"Faith builds a bridge across the gulf of death" [Edward Young]
Fcuk Logic, we can do it......COYI!!!

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Allardyce Finally Succumbs as Mackay gets the call!

After weeks of speculation and amidst growing pressure due to a series of abject performances, ‘Big Sam’ Allardyce has finally bitten the bullet at West Ham. With his side in Premiership freefall and after yesterday’s humiliating 5-0 thrashing from Championship side Nottingham Forest, the stubborn boss has had to accept the inevitable. Moreover, with no recognised centre half available and a series of out of work misfits and journeymen refusing to even consider loan moves to the Hammers to provide cover, Allardyce has been left with simply no option but to grasp the nettle.

Watching the defence get pushed around yesterday like a bunch of schoolboys (which they are!), the board were forced to directly address the situation regarding Allardyce's role at the club and are rumoured to be about to release a hastily-prepared statement detailing how Sam will be vacating his role as manager with immediate effect and taking up the position of player-manager until further notice. The footballing world will undoubtedly be rocked by the 58 year old’s decision as he has not seen active on-field duty since the early 1990’s when towards the end of a playing career he took the managerial role at Limerick FC whom, just like the Hammers, he guided to promotion at the first attempt of asking.

The move also opens the door for a return to action for Ex-Hammer’s defender Malky Mackay. The highly thought of centre back who is currently unattached and perfectly positioned to add to the eighteen appearances he made for the Hammers during the 2004-5 season. With the imminent prospect of facing high-flying Manchester City at the Etihad stadium later this week, urgent action was required – and the Hammers board have not been found wanting! It is expected that Mackay, who is the pacier of the two, will mark the in-form and out of control Sergio Aguero.

It is thought that the developments could extend further as first team coach Neil McDonald is a mere 48 years young and still pretty handy at right back where he spent his playing days at Newcastle and Everton, as well as amassing five England U21 caps. Meanwhile, current West Ham U18 coach, Steve Potts is no stranger to Hammers fans and at a mere 46 could do a decent shift for the beleaguered club. However, his lack of height is thought to have pushed him down the pecking order for a first team place. 
                                                              Obviously Up for it!
Otherwise, former Hammers Alvin martin and Tony Gale are said to be on standby, with the former reported to have engaged in some light training walking the family dog yesterday morning. There is no indication yet as to the solution to the striker crisis but it is understood that a range of options are being "actively explored".

                                               Ah c'mon, they'll never see the likes of us two again!


It’s David and the Goliaths as the Hammers Seek ‘Under’study to Carroll

It's starting to get really sweaty amongst the Hammers faithful as the season just goes from bad to worse and what appeared to be a decent squad back in July is now decimated both up front and at the back. One wonders if the defence had not been under so much pressure this season whether maybe they would have avoided some of the injuries that have befallen them? However, despite the recent problems at centre back, Big Sam knows that the first leak that needs to be addressed is up front.

Amidst all the speculation regarding who will arrive at the Boleyn during the January transfer window, one apparent constant has been that they will be big and muscular! While there can be no doubting that AC is a big lad, some of the players rumoured to be on the way have stats that read more like a basketball player than that of a mobile forward with goal scoring prowess that the Hammers predicament requires.

First up is Ishak Belfodil, weighing in at 86kg and a mere 6 foot 4 in height. Aerially adept, but also quick on the ground and with a reasonable eye for goal – especially when played in his preferred position of central forward (rather than on the wing where current club Inter Milan have mainly employed his services). Belfodil has failed to make the grade at Inter and is desperate for game time as he hopes to lead the line for Algeria ahead of the coming World Cup. His ability to double up as a more lateral attacking force smacks of the soon-to-be-back Ricardo Vaz Te but also augers well for a continuing role if and when the Carrollbeast returns. Latest news is that he arrives to sign up on loan on Tuesday next.

Next, and certainly the hot rumour of the moment is that Lacina Traore (no relation to Djimi formerly of Anfield fame) – a colossus at 6 foot 8 will be arriving on loan. The 23 year old Ivorian has played in the Romanian and Russian Leagues and was with Anzhi Makhachkala for the past two seasons. However,  after an impressive 13 goals in 18 matches last season, he has struggled this term and wants to return to Monaco, who in turn are happy to send him on loan to the Boleyn until season’s end. With 4 goals in his 7 appearances to date for his country, he will be looking to impress before the Ivory Coast take on Colombia, Greece and Japan in group C in Brazil.

Ricky Lambert has been a transfer rumour for the Hammers for a number of seasons but without any real sense that he can be wrestled from his current employers at Southampton. It’s pretty difficult to see why the England international would abandon St Mary’s for Upton Park even for the wage increase that has been suggested in recent media reports. His proven Premiership scoring ability singles him out from the other possibilities but in all honestly the rumours smack of lazy journalism and a case of round up the usual suspects!

Finally, and perhaps the signing that would be most realistic whilst also most likely to impact positively upon the Hammers efforts to beat the drop would be to go to the other counter for forwards – one that Big Sam rarely peruses (Sam Baldock, Rob Hall and Elliot Lee can all attest to Sam’s size-ist leanings) where he will encounter  Ex-Hammer Jermain Defoe, apparently only to keen to make amends for his Judas act of 2004, and clearly underemployed at Tottenham, who too will want to raise funds for the Tim Sherwood era.  Like a David amongst the Goliaths rumoured to be Boleyn-bound, Defoe needs no introduction but whatever happens regarding AC, there can be no doubting that at the very least the fiery little striker can be a high impact sub.

Why not bring in the experience of Defoe with a long shot with Belfodil or Traore? That would certainly give Allardyce something he has lacked all season – OPTIONS!!!