In the latest of our series of Thineself art thon Referee – an entirely novel take on football policing – we pose a number of challenges that are of a most delicate nature and that will surely test the decision-making abilities of even the shrewdest ref…
A1. Errr, how foxy? Maybe let things roll and see how it proceeds…
A2. That’s awful! If he is wearing boxer shorts a mere yellow should suffice, but Y-fronts (or less!) warrant a full red.
A3. You need to establish that you are the biggest bully on this playground. Squirt the disappearing foam into the toughest-looking player’s face and then stamp on his toes, REALLY HARD…TWICE!! They should all get the message!
A4. He’s off – that's totally disgraceful behaviour on his part. Also, it’ll be one less contender for her affections! She deserves a prolonged talking to before taking down her name and details into your trusty notebook.
A5. Abandon the game, it’s time for a cold shower for everybody concerned. Also, a life ban for her is the only appropriate option in order to emphasise that this is a football field not a bloody top international fashion catwalk!
A6. WTF!!! Are you Mark Clattenberg or something? Stay away from the babes - they're trouble. Maybe just retire mate!