Mercifully, as the last few hours of the transfer window
slip by, word from around Upton park is that the cash-strapped and
striker-deficient Hammers have managed to find just what they need to act as
back up to Andy Carroll, and considerably more besides!
Amongst the splendid range of potential signings Big Sam
will have to choose from any of the following freakishly talented options –
1. John Kidson – best known for his role as the lone keeper
of Nelson Boulder lighthouse for 27 years could. Like fellow Kiwi countryman
Winston Reid, do a fantastic job for Big Sam – and he is unusually experienced
at coping with the extreme isolation that the one man up front system imposes
upon any would be striker. Given that John has been officially dead since 1892,
he would be unlikely to command a major transfer fee or indeed add
substantially to the club’s “collosal” wage bill.
2. Jack Nicholson – The ‘cheeky’ Hollywood veteran is
reported to have a keen interest in footie and more importantly, as
demonstrated in this shot from Easy Rider, has a head that is sufficiently
large for even profligate Matt Jarvis to locate with one of his crosses. However, Hammers fans should not hold their
breath as the top earning star’s outrageous wage demands are likely to pose an
obstacle to a last minute transfer.
3. Richard Rosson (AKA Rubber Richie) is a veteran
contortionist seen here in his unique ‘offside
deceiver’ pose. Richard has been tempted out of retirement by the realisation
that modern footie is an athletic freak show and that this unusual pose defies
the offside rule as it currently exists because his feet are not in an offside
position! Just how he might contribute to the Hammers goal haul with such a
position is less clear but as they say “possession is nine tenths of a score”
4. Adam Sinden is known to the world of stilt athletics as
the fastest man alive having completed the 100m in 14.3 seconds averaging a
sensational 29KPH! Experts have reassured the Hammers boss that with minimal
training Aussie-based Adam could be coached to fit in with the complex
Allardyce system and thus add some crucial extra height to the side for those
oh-so-vital setpieces from which the current Hammers squad score the majority
of their goals.
5. The Hammers abysmal away form has been reckoned to stem
from their inability to cope with the inclement (and sometimes frankly harsh)
conditions at venues located ‘up North’ .
Their dreadful away records at the miserable rain sodden hell holes of Goodison
Park and Anfield testify to such a theory. One new signing who would be ideally
equipped to deal not only with the pishy climate, but also the cocky locals
would be Larry Ramos Gomez who, by virtue of his hypertrichosis, is one of only
100 people worldwide who are covered from head to toe in a cosy coat of hair. Larry
is of course not to be confused with Edu Ramos Gomez who is merely a midfielder
with Villareal in the Spanish league – and nothing like what our Sam is
seeking!
6. Carlton Cole. Although there is nothing particularly exceptional
about ‘our’ Carlton, his freakish loyalty to the Hammers during our relegation
year out, willingness to accept modest remuneration for his services, and all
round feelgood-decent bloke-ishness could provide the striking solution that
the Bubbles men need – it’s not as if he hasn’t been there to deliver at
crucial times in the past?
This is ridiculous nonsense - how can these untrained and in some cases deceased people help the Hammers? Some of them aren't even as good as Modi Maiga!
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