West Ham vs Chelsea Preview: Rafa the Gaffa looks to transvestite offence

One solution to Chelsea’s problem

Chelsea fans are anxiously wondering if their out of form team can scrape a result from today’s crunch Europa Cup qualifier at Upton Park. The squad are said to be exhausted and overwhelmed after intense midweek training focused upon sign language lessons to ensure that they do not misinterpret spoken communications during crucial matches, as appears to have happened in the Clattenburg fiasco.

                                                The preferred new language of the Premiership

Moreover, sources have indicated that there have been other instances where verbal directives have been misunderstood - Abramovich is thought to have become increasingly bored with football after the Champions League fluke of last year and ordered that all new signings should be flamboyant entertainers. He is rumoured to be furious at the bungled signing of Eden Hazard instead of his actual request for the athletic Eddie Izzard.

                                                                   Bizarrely overlooked

Similarly, he asked that they install glamorous top beach Volleyballist Cindy Benitez as replacement team manager for the more mundane Roberto Di Matteo but instead wound up with the strangely unsuitable Rafa B. Insiders who expressed concern at Cindy’s lack of experience in football management were politely informed that the post is merely a front for the real control engine in the directors box.

                                               Chief contenders for Director of football at Chelsea

Worryingly for the fragile West Londoners, Petr Cech may not be able to play as his head injury neurosis has escalated during the week and he is refusing to play against the aerially aggressive Andy Carroll without additional protection. Medical staff have suggested that he could hide in David Luiz’s hair during Hammer’s set pieces.

                                                                    Terry-fied

Similarly, Ashley Cole experienced an unfortunate neck strain during training and plans to play wearing a completely unnecessary neck brace. Fernando Torres has agreed to play in a jester’s suit so that he can make some meaningful contribution to proceedings. Rafa Benitez meanwhile has sourced a handy set of ear muffs which he hopes will block out some of the abusive chanting from his own fans.

                                                                            Some neck!

Meanwhile, London Underground’s complaints department is bracing itself for an onslaught vexatious complaints from the increasingly sensitive and paranoid West Londoners. Inevitably some Chelsea fans will misinterpret the standard ‘MIND THE GAP’ warning as part of a campaign to goad them about the growing gulf between Chelski and the Manchester clubs at the top of the Premiership table. Formal complaints are expected to flow.

Finally, Big Sam has identified some crunch collisions that will decide the outcome of today’s match:

The industrious Mark Noble vs the industrial John Obi Mickel

The accomplished defender James Collins vs the accomplished defendant John Terry

Roman Abramovich vs the desire to change manager at half time.