Hammers to swoop for Swansea hitman

Whether it's Teddy Sheringham or Les Ferdinand who takes on the role of attack coach at the Hammers next year, they may well be bolstered by the club's latest proposed offensive signing. With Bubbles the bear getting ever closer to retirement, the ever proactive board are considering an audacious move for Swansea's Cyril the Swan - possibly the most deadly of all of the Premiership Mascots.

Cyril's previous attacking record includes a stunning strike against Lenny the Lion during a mauling of the Millwall pussycat when the sides met some seasons back - a performance that grabbed Hammers fans attentions. After some routine argy bargy, the Swan proceeded to decapitate Lenny and drop kick his detached head into the crowd!

Reports indicate that Cyril has become disillusioned with the insipid family friendly atmosphere at Swansea under Gary wots-his-name and has become embroiled in a bitter dispute with Chico 'squealing' Flores and wants to spread his wings for a new challenge. Coupled with the philosophical switch at West Ham towards unbridled offensive aggression, it is believed that the new attack-minded ethos will extend to also include support staff.

The signing of Cyril will make for a partnership with Argentinian League top scorer - Mauro Zarate who joined the Hammers earlier this week. it is hoped that the pairing can prove as potent as the Zarate-Aguero strike team that helped Argentina U20's to a world cup victory in 2007.