As the sun sets on another day of Premiership mayhem at Upton Park, jubilant Hammers faithful are asked to spare a thought for those especially dedicated fans amongst us who have been left feeling let down and betrayed by the events of the season so far.
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A despondent Derrek Dowdall, president of the inept Irons fan club described deep disappointment amongst some fans at how the club have abandoned their traditional values leaving some supporters feeling empty and unfulfilled by the shallow embracement of success and achievement.
D-Wreck explained “we are so used to feasting on the dysphoria that comes from losing games where you’ve outplayed the opposition but fallen foul to a sloppy set piece goal- the despondency is sooo real, and unmatched by anything else........except maybe a final day relegation”.
The Hopeless Hammers club have gathered much momentum in recent years and hold regular support group meetings in the vicinity of
. Even when the
Hammers achieved promotion last Summer the upbeat nihilists countered – “Although we were
disappointed by the play off final result, the silver lining was that Last
season’s promotion was an excellent stepping stone towards ritual relegation
this year” Stamford
Bridge, where they can expect regular abuse and intimidation from local 'Pensioners'
Last Season’s Hopeless Hammer of the year
The sadass gathering were initially delighted by Sam Allardyce’s appointment as Derrek explained “We were initially excited by the prospect of not just experiencing poor results but also while playing crap football – that would be nihilistic nirvana!” However, the Hopeless Hammers have been deflated watching their beloved losers get good results and also while playing some decent football! “Modibo Maiga’s stunning strike for the fourth goal was a crushing blow to our members, the strength in depth of this Hammer’s squad is just sickening”.
The group see yesterday’s annihilation of Southampton as the final straw and have launched high profile campaigns to get rid of Kevin Nolan and bring back Avram Grant. They have also expressed open fury about Mark Noble’s extended contract – “these are all developments that bring unwanted success and prosperity to West Ham- we reject and abhor such nonsense”
Another Hopeless Hammers legend
Other Hopeless Hammers members have threatened to take their perverse loyalty elsewhere - a development that could provide an opportunity for a novel ‘cash plus fans’ payment scheme for the totally hopeless Blades of Sheffield United. These are the kind of fans who self harm by wasting large sums of their cash on the total crap that most clubs pedal as ‘official merchandise’. It is hoped that such a scheme could substantially reduce the outstanding 20 million that the Blades are scheduled to receive from the Hammers as payment for their extravagant and endless whinging over sloppy paperwork issues from the Tevez era.
In other developments, the extreme Hopeless Hammers breakaway faction known as Fortune’s Always Laughing (at us) issued a typically absolutist response:
“It’s hopeless, totally hopeless, we can never be truly hopelessly without hope again”.