Just as the dust was beginning to settle after another veritable
barnstormer at Upton Park last night, it emerged that the Gooners celebrations
of their narrow 3-1 victory may be somewhat premature as the result is likely
to be overturned under new UEFA rules.
In after match testing for illegal use of performance enhancing
strategies, three of the Arsenal side failed the routine ‘full of BS’ test and
have been referred for further testing for exposure to performance enhancing psycho-poppycock.
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| Sam: Philosophical |
A senior UEFA official commented “UEFA has become aware of the
increasing abuse of a variety of dangerous sports psychology interventions and
in response have widened our crack down to include psychobabble as well as
drug use.” It is thought that Arsene Wenger’s [real name Bob Waddlesworth] recent
media comments about ‘negative vibes’
within the modern game alerted UEFA to probable abuse in the Arsenal camp.
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| Weirdo |
Other observers believe this to be an attempt to gag the
outspoken Wenger who has recently advocated replacing the standard rectangular pitch
with a baseball-like circular field would substantially reduce the bad vibes
that bedevil the modern game. Wenger has speculated, for example, that diving
and other dishonest calls for penalties would cease overnight, even by his own
team who marred Saturday’s ficture with several outrageous demands for
ridiculous penalties.
The cost of such pitch reconfigurations has terrified UEFA into punitive action and Gooners fans fear that the punishment may be severe, involving points deductions and possible expulsion from the league. Were this to happen, the Scottish third division could prove an ideal re-entry point for the Gooners where they could join up with fellow footie-cheats Rangers FC. Sources inside UEFA are said to be most satisfied with the extent of the humiliation that the ‘Gers’ have experienced (so far) but await the results of their planned escalation for later this season.
In a pre-emptive
strike, Wenger has already begun to bleat about the ‘physicality’ of some of
their would be competition, singling out lowly Stenhousemuir FC for special mention.
Meanwhile, the joy for Big Sam Allardyce just keeps flowing
with news that his old friends at Limerick FC have been crowned first division
champions and are promoted to the Airtricity Premier League next year. It seems
the Allardyce factor continues to reverberate wherever he has travelled spreading
the good word about the beautiful game, except Blackburn.
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