Wigan 2 West Ham 1: Hammers Juggernaut derailed by Wanderly Wigan Wagon

And so it was, those happy-clappy characters at Wonderful Wigan rolled over the bubbles boys and sent them back home to London with nothing but a mere bowl of gruel to show for their efforts. Wigan boss, the ever-effervescent Roberto Martinez, delighted with the result enthused “those cockney gringos think that they can come up here and mess with our shit – well let them go back and spread the word that Roberto is Yeesus”

 

Conversely, the magnanimous Hammers were quick to extend their congratulations to lowly Wigan and wished them every success in their ongoing battle for Premiership survival. Manager Sam Allardyce revealed “ We played like a division 4 Essex Sunday League pub side and with the help of the bar and a dodgy refereeing decision or three they came out just on top. We are really delighted for them”. The club are said to have immediately sent a congratulations card to the Wigan team.

                                                              Well bloody done Sir!

Well known East end businessman Alfie ‘one shot’ Biggins revealed ‘It was a fair cop, they caught us with our pants right down. I intend to personally extend my congratulations to Mr Ramis and sincerely hope that he is fully fit and available for the return clash at Upton Park later this season’

 

On a brighter note, the administrative assistants in West Ham's travel department were particularly relieved at yesterday’s result “ the way the boys have been going it was looking like we would have to organise all manner of European trips next year – it would pose a complete logistical nightmare, what with Joey O’Brien’s proneness to travel sickness, Carlton Cole’s allergies and James Collin’s painful sunlight sensitivity”

                                               Even an afternoon in Newport proved too much for the young James Collins

In a further positive development, Messers Gold and Sullivan identified another prime free-transfer target for the off season in young Tartan-tinged Irishman James McCarthy. “We believe that on a proper diet and free from the burden of mowing Mr Whelan’s garden that young James could become a top player” a source revealed.

                                                  Get those jellied eels into you my son!