Hammers Remain Uber Cautious As Transfer Window Starts to Close

West Ham fans are becoming increasingly anxious as they watch their team nosedive down the Premiership towards the dreaded Chumpionship, apparently with nothing to stop the rot! While it is patently clear that the squad needs to be strengthened if they are to have any chance of survival, to date the club have only managed to bring in Darren Randolph and extend Conor Coventry's contract, neither of which seems likely to massively change their survival prospects.

Perhaps not surprisingly, the club have been linked with a variety of possible signings, many of which seem more than a little far fetched; Gabigol, South American Player of the Year on a loan deal? hardly; Gedson Fernandes from Benfica? errr? 

But perhaps the most outlandish to date has been that Supertraitor Dimitri Payet might return on loan from Olympique Marseille!!! Apart from the absence of any footballing logic to such a move, what on earth would make anybody think that Mr Payet would want to rejoin his 'friends' at the London Stadium? 

Payet has continued his form since his escape from London and maintained the impressive scoring rate he managed at West Ham of a goal every 4 games, notching 29 goals in 121 appearances for Marseille since returning. 

However, now 32 years old, the lad has filled out a bit and to add insult to injury Marseille are sponsored by no other than Uber Eat!!! Hammers fans took time out from the misery of their relegation battle to poke some friendly fun at the increasingly portly French gentleman. 

The best on twitter is shown above but in all honesty when you look at developments at West Ham since Payet departed you have to wonder was his decision quite as ill-advised as it seemed at the time?  

Lets hope West Ham don't get a special delivery of humble pie when (yet another) disastrous season draws to a close - now that would be uber-annoying!!!

Traitor-Rator: Who is West Ham's biggest Ever Judas?

After all of the positivity of last season when after a poor start the squad found its mojo and delivered a host of good results playing attractive football, once again we now face falling back to where we started. 

With Marko Arnautovic's departure, the club are struggling to identify a forward who can provide the regular supply of goals that would allow the club to push to the next level and maybe even European football. 

With the Maxi Gomez deal all but dead, its hard to see who might come in. As a much needed distraction, let's focus our fury on Arnie and ask - is he the worst ever Judas to play for the club?

To add a little objectivity, we have rated our top four traitors according to the following characteristics; 
1. How two faced was the departure?
2. How self serving was he in making it happen?
3. How much damage did it do to the club at the time?
4. How unpleasant was he after the 'escape'?
5. Looking back, can there be any forgiveness?

Let's start with that 'Big time Charlie', Paul Ince. A childhood Hammer, Ince was one of the few positives to emerge in the Post-Billy Bonds era and despite decent personal performances was part of the relegated side in 1989 which saw John lyall depart after 15 years at the helm. Ince aws photographed in a Manchester United shirt to save him having to come back from holidays for a new signing photograph for the press, the deal was postponed as he failed the initial medical. However, the tabloids still published the picture and all hell broke out! Ince escaped after a second medical and one game into the 1989-1990 season. The departure was badly managed but Ince has cited that at 21 years old he was naive. In truth, the club was in a mess and had a yoyo period for the following 4 seasons getting relegated and promoted twice and Ince was a wanted player at a selling club. He enjoyed playing the panto villain in matches between Man utd and the Hammers but has not spoken negatively of the club over the years.

1. How two faced was the departure? 2/5

2. How self serving was he in making it happen? 2/5

3. How much damage did it do to the club at the time? 3/5

4. How unpleasant was he after the 'escape'? 2/5

5. Looking back, can there be any forgiveness? 2/5

Total score 11/25.

Next up is Jermain Defoe. Also 21 years old, he was a bright young star of an amazing Hammers squad who somehow managed to get relegated in 2004 with a squad teeming with stars but low on luck! While the Hammers can claim the greatest ever escae from relegation in 2007, 2004 was surely the stupidest relegation from the Premiership? Defoe reacted badly to the relegation and within 24 hours made a written request for a transfer. Distressed fans focused their annoyance on his insensitivity and he was turned down by the club. He stareted the following season at West Ham but refused to sign a new contract and had an obviously poor attitude, picking up three red cards in 22 appearances before the club lost patience and sold him to Spurs. Over the years he has repeatedly  apologised to supporters for mishandling the move due to his young age and often expressed a desire to return to make amends. 

1. How two faced was the departure? 2/5

2. How self serving was he in making it happen? 4/5

3. How much damage did it do to the club at the time? 3/5

4. How unpleasant was he after the 'escape'? 1/5

5. Looking back, can there be any forgiveness? 1/5

Total score 11/25.

Et maintenant, c'est Dimitri Payet. Surely the most naturally gifted Hammer of recent times. Payet arrived in June 2015 and quickly established himself as a fans favourite with a series of impressive performances that woshortlisted him for PFA player of the year while he received the Hammer of the year award. A lucrative new contract arrived then suddenly in January 2017 (aged 29) he refused to play for the club stating that he wanted to return to Olympic Marseille. After much huffing and puffing he left for a modest fee. He later stated that he felt the club lacked ambition and that he was 'bored'.

1. How two faced was the departure? 2/5

2. How self serving was he in making it happen? 5/5

3. How much damage did it do to the club at the time? 4/5

4. How unpleasant was he after the 'escape'? 4/5

5. Looking back, can there be any forgiveness? 4/5

Total score 19/25.

So finally, Mad Marko Arnautovic. We cant say that we weren't warned by Stoke fans after he smahed his way out of their club to join the Hammers. He arrived in Summer 2017 and after a poor start switched to a new central attacking role that proved a piece of David Moyes genius. 11 goals and Hammer of the year award followed. On to this season and he started getting restless before Christmas as rumours of Chinese interest surfaced. After much stealth, using his agent brother Danijel to voice the Mr Hyde half of his persona, he seemed placated by a big new deal. He denied ever wanting to leave but then submiited a transfer request in mid Summer and forced a bargain purchase for Shanghai SPG where he will presumably see out his career being paid huge money in a pointless league. As yet there have been no noises from Marko about his departure but the series of incredibly two-faced statements in his final six months will surely annoy fans for a long time! The difficulty replacing him is currently hurting the club but Manuel Pellegrini has a talent for bringing in top players so we wait in hope!

1. How two faced was the departure? 5/5

2. How self serving was he in making it happen? 5/5

3. How much damage did it do to the club at the time? 3/5

4. How unpleasant was he after the 'escape'? 1/5

5. Looking back, can there be any forgiveness? 5/5

Total score 19/25.

Wow!!! A draw between Marko and Dimi!!! Arnie will be furious as he loves to hog the limelight. It's interesting how our old skool traitors are lightweight compared with the two-faced mercenaries of the modern era! 

The contrasting fortunes of West Ham's 2017 escapees

The 2016/17 season can at best be described as one of consolidation for West Ham as they trundled in 12th in the Premier League having endured a frustrating first season at their new home. Undoubtedly the story of the year was the departure of Mr Payet, who returned to Marseille claiming that the London club lacked true ambition. Meanwhile, their marque signing was supposed to be Italian hitman Simone Zaza, but he was shown the door in January after failing to score in eleven miserable appearances. 

The departures served to galvanise SuperSlav's troops who went on a decent run before running out of steam and succumbing to a series of frustrating injuries. Meanwhile, Mr Payet huffed and puffed but his Marseille side finished precisely where they were when he arrived - in a Champions League missing 5th. He managed 4 goals in 15 games - therefore averaging a similar strike rate to his West Ham career, and despite playing in the relatively easier environs of Ligue 1.

Zaza meanwhile rediscovered his scoring boots and notched a decent 6 strikes in 18 appearances for Valencia who have decided to take up the purchase clause in his loan deal and he will stay at the club for the coming season. As such, while Payet  looks to have hit a plateau, Zaza is back in the ascendency.

Let’s hope that whoever comes as replacements fares better at the Olympic Stadium than these two wannabes did last year!

 

Payet Fails Marseille Medical!

The footballing Gods have spoken!

In dramatic news, Dimitri Payet has failed his medical at Olympique Marseille!


Despite the very best efforts of the medical team and after extensive testing, they have reported back to the board their devastating findings...

They cannot find a heart!


Maybe they could give him a transplant - it's highly unlikely that he'll find any donors in the East London area!

 

Football is the Real Loser with the PAYExiT

So Dimi is gone - as he tweeted 'returned home'. West Ham have lost the most talented player they have had since Di Canio (Ed: Actually, some of us think that Dean Ashton was potentially as good), Marseille have got 'their' man.

Actually, Marseille is not really home for Payet as he isn't even from mainland France and only spent two modestly successful years there before switching to London. Marseille are seventh in Ligue 1 - an inferior League to the Premiership where West Ham are on the rise from 10th - hardly an upgrade in Footballing terms is it?

For West Ham, the whole saga has provided a much-needed bonding session, both for the team and fans. Mr Payet has provided the vital 'bad guy' to galvanise our thoughts and energies.  For the club, we have made £15 million profit on Payet in 18 months - not bad business really! 

But the real loser in all this is Footy. For so many kids the whole Payet phenomenon provided them with something to love and even worship. Some of his play was almost otherworldly and he was a key part in West Ham scalping so many of our rivals - something that we all remember seems the most important thing in the world when you are at school and mixing with fans of Arsenal, Man United etc. 

For those kids losing Payet in the way that it has happened is a horrible welcome to the world of grown-ups, where people twist the truth and often let you down. Where what is right matters much less than what works from a financial perspective. Dimitri was a hero to so many kids.

And that's why Payet should return his loyalty bonus to the club 

And the club should refund all kids who bought Payet t-shirts or got Payet put on the back of their replica jerseys - a million squids should cover the cost and would be worth multiples of that in future good will.

This is our club and, yes, there is a West Ham way. Sadly, for all his talent, that isn't the way of Dimitri Payet, Au Revoir, Mon Ami. I hope letting everybody down proves worth it, but my guess is that the football Gods may be angry with you, very angry indeed.




 

He Has To Go: Hammers Chief Deems Latest Payet Outrage 'The Final Straw'

Incontrovertible evidence

As it has become apparent that Dimitri Payet's refusal to play again for West Ham also extends to playing with his training colleagues in the U23 squad in their crunch match with Aston Villa tonight, other news indicates that Payet has also snubbed the club by refusing to play with a West Ham team in the crucial Tuesday night Division three DergHammer Subbuteo league.

The want-away talismanic midfield maestro wouldn't even entertain the possibility and failed to respond to two e-mails from the League Organisers inviting him to demonstrate his continued allegiance to the West Ham cause! Even worse, our investigative team have unearthed incontrovertible evidence (see pic above) that Payet is a Subbuteo fanatic but that HE ONLY PLAYS WITH OLYMPIC MARSEILLE PLAYERS!

Top DergHammers chief, Patsy McLooneyBangers, slammed the arrogant star's latest snub deeming it "the final straw" that compels him to change his vote in the ongoing VERYWESTHAM PAYExiT poll from 'Let him stay if he says sorry to the fans'  to 'Eat his liver with some fava beans'.

McLooneyBangers added that Payet's failure to engage with the long tradition of Subbuteo playing amongst top Hammers was yet another reason that he can never be a true Hammers legend.

Meanwhile, the Tuesday Night's Third Division Subbuteo competition continues despite Payet's absence with a crunch tie between Robbie's East Ham United and Trev's Upton Park Rangers. UPR will be hoping to field a full eleven players despite the recent horrific hoovering disaster that has kept half of their players out of action during midweek.



 

Marseille Finally Get Their Man at a Knock Down Price

Some bloke gave this to me - said he'd give his right arm to play for Marseille!

 

Olympique Marseille have finally captured their man by signing veteran left back Patrice Evra. The 135 year old was released from the final 18 months of his contract at Juventus and as such his signing will not eat into the rumoured E200 million that Marseille have at their disposal to attract much needed new talent.

Evra may help to tighten their defence but is not the same force any more going forward and as Marseille languish in seventh in Ligue 1, a full 18 points behind leaders Monaco, they will still need offensive recruits if they are to improve on their miserable 24 goals in 21 games which is the main problem that currently hinders their progress.

However, left-sided players who can score and create goals are very scarce indeed and typically cost about £35 million to bring from the bigger leagues such as the Premiership! As they compete with financially endowed rivals such as PSG, Monaco and Nice, Marseille will need to get better at splashing the cash or else remain mid-table for all of eternity.



Meanwhile, West Ham's development squad are preparing to make a major charge for the U23 Premier league where they are currently in 5th with 24 points from 15 games. The recent long-term signing of a talismanic midfielder who can both score and create goals is expected to inspire them to push up the top of the table!