Shouting Men Silenced as Hammers slap NINE GOALS past Gills

                                                      An unrepentant Terry with his faithful minder

Last night witnessed the increasingly ruthless side of the ‘New West Ham’ as a super-strong development squad smashed poor little Gillingham 9-0 in a specially arranged ‘friendly’ tie at Rush Green Stadium. The match was played behind closed doors, largely in an effort to exclude legendary Gillingham Soccer Thug, Terry, who starred in the 2010 epic ‘The Shouting Men’ which followed a motley crew of Gills fans on their journey up through Britain on their way to a cup encounter with Noocassel.

The opening scene includes a memorable encounter between the wheelchair-bound Terry and some hard-looking Hammers supporters who were busy minding their own business until terry intervened with some choice memories of Billy Bonds and Trevor Brooking in their Bubbles heyday. A memorable schmozzle ensued with the unrepentant Terry going on to engage none other than Peter Beardsley as his wheelchair assistant!

                                             Oooer, this could reach double figures lads!

 

Last night, however, Even the vociferous Terry would have struggled to maintain spirits as a totally outclassed Gillingham were battered by a hungry Hammers side bursting with returning talent (MacCartney, Diarra, Cole, Jarvis ) and the best of the latest academy crop including Elliot Lee and Blair Turgott. 4-0 at half time, and there was to be no let up as even a mysteriously unnamed ‘triallist’ got on the score sheet – Hammers fans are already uop to their necks in speculation as to who it could be? Ba? Benzema?  Benni MacCarthy?

One suspects that it was a pretty quiet Gills bus on the way home. Let’s hope that they didn’t break down. Again!

Irish ready to nab Noble from under Hodgson’s nose

                                                                Just a few lads having the craic

 

The mystifying exclusion of Mark Noble from the England set up took a new turn today with speculation in the Irish Daily Mirror that the new management team for the Republic of Ireland, Martin ‘Earnest-person’ O’Neill and Roy ‘Cuddly’ Keane, are looking at trying to persuade the Hammers star to opt for the Republic.

West Ham fans have become increasingly perturbed as midfield maestro Mark Noble continues to be overlooked for England duty despite his consistently excellent performances as one of the few English-born midfielders in the Premiership and history of impressive contribution at underage level to the England set up. Moreover, the industrious Noble is consistently at the top of statistical ratings in respect of ground covered per game and goal scoring opportunities created by a midfielder.

Given the shortage of midfield talent in the current Irish squad, Noble would be a massive capture and would undoubtedly find himself in much demand rather than waiting for a sympathy call up from the myopic-minded Hodgson. Noble continues to be overlooked in favour of a variety of unknown kids and past-it geriatrics like Gerrard and the evergreen FFL.

VerywestHam met with Noble during the Hammers fabulous preseason tour to Ireland and, ironically, to Cork – apparently the birthplace of Mark’s grandmother, making him uber-eligible for the Irish National side. We took the opportunity to question Mark about a possible Irish call up but he opted to stay silent on the matter, raising our suspicions that it is to the forefront of his thoughts! No doubt the prospect of having some away days in the company of Joey O’Brien, Stephen Henderson and former Hammer, Robbie Keane would appeal given that European football is likely to elude the stuttering Hammers again this year!

 

                                                     

                                                              Ah Go On, ah go on, Ah Go On!!!!

A representative close to the Irish Football Association of Ireland remarked, ‘we’ve been waiting to get revenge for the whole Rooney business – bloody mad that he was allowed to play for England given his obvious Irishness – and then there’s Kevin Nolan with the bloody map of Ireland written all over his face and his talents wasted on a country that wouldn’t even be bothered to give him a run out even when he was at his peak!’

                                                            Suspiciously Irish looking

Other Irish sources confirmed that they consider both ‘Morrison’ and ‘Carroll’ to be naturally Irish surnames, and that James Collins looks just like your average farmer from Roscommon.

Are West Ham destined to enter 2014 in the relegation zone?

Oh No, Not again?

Undoubtedly the Hammers had mucho good fortune at the beginning of last season and managed to get a healthy points tally on the board before a series of tough fixtures arrived. This year that luck has deserted them and they are stuck on a mere ten points after 11 games, with just two wins and a dreadful scoring record. Too good to go down? All too familiar a concept for Hammers faithful who know only too well that once you get dragged in to the relegation mire, it’s pretty tough trying to get out again.

This time last year (i.e. after eleven games) West Ham had amassed 18 points – we have eight further Premiership fixtures before the years end that will take us to the half way mark in the season at 19 games. However, it’s worth noting that these include matches against Arsenal and Chelsea (Home) as well as Liverpool and Man United (away). Crystal Palace (away) and Fulham (home) look like massive games for us right now.

With the Carroll situation dragging on and on, and now news that (probably) our best performer may be out until the New Year, it’s all getting a bit sweaty. As the old adage says; you need ten wins to stay up and we cannot score regularly enough to grab those so vital three point rewards. Realistically, anything less than 20 points at the half way stage and you are going to be in the relegation scrap come season’s end.  

Some fans were moaning last year that the end of season was a hollow affair as we were neither on the cusp of Europe nor in any real danger at any point. Some folk obviously enjoy the sweaty histrionics of the relegation run in! Thankfully, the ultimate observation is that although this side can be grim to watch at times, they are undoubtedly fighters – let’s just hope we don’t need a win on the final day!  

Five ways West Ham can stop conceding goals from free kicks

 

After yet another weekend of Premiership action that has left the Hammers reeling from the impact of opposition free kicks, with Norwich City’s Robert Snodgrass the culprit on this occasion, we examine ways that the hapless Hammers might improve results by reducing the goals against from free-kick count and thus gaining some much-needed Premiership points!

A new world long-jump record effort

1. Stop giving away free kicks. This sounds like an obvious remedy but it is be a pretty big ask given the combination of diving cheats with the whistle-happy referees of today. We could always try to play a little less rough, but try telling that to the current crop of brutish Hammers!  Maybe we could also try getting some of our ‘more likeable’ players to interact with the referee. Perhaps the gentle influence of Jack Collison or Matt Jarvis might fare better than the robust protestations of Captain Kevin Nolan?

 

2. Don’t bother with the wall. It clearly doesn’t work anyway. Just put the players on the line instead and let them take the full force of the ball in the face, chest, or whatever body part gets in the way. The clown who gives away the free-kick should be made to stand beside the post that is most likely to be aimed at by the free taker. One alternative would be to move to a two-tiered wall thus adding much needed height for all the Satan Baines-like free-kicks the Hammers keep encountering.

 

3. Archery: Employ game of thrones-style archers to burst the ball as it moves in mid air. Even Satan Baines free kicks do not move so fast that this should be pretty easy even for a modest level archery fan. 

 

4. Mum’s own solution:  This one is especially suited to the Hammer’s set up: Identify who the opponents free-kick specialist is at the start of the game and get the player who is marking them to squirt fairy liquid onto their boots. Hey presto! the ball will simply slide off their boots as they try to put swerve into it during the free kick process. The results would thus be remarkably similar to those that the intrepid Hammers achieve with their free-kicks but amazingly without using the viscous fluid. On the plus side, fairy liquid could be readily smuggled into the ground in industrial amounts as it is used to create the magical ‘bubbles’ effect that greets teams as they emerge at the start of each game at Upton Park. 

5. Yo: Magnets, bitch!  Just like Jessie from breaking bad infamy suggested, West Ham need to recruit a magnetic fan and place him behind and to the side of the goal during matches. After the simple insertion of a metal sticker onto the surface of the ball we can dictate the movement of the ball by moving the magnetic fan around the place! This can double up as a goalie-mystifier for our own tame free kick efforts that rarely seem to scale the opposition’s wall, but that with some careful fan placement behind the goals would attract the ball into the oppositions net!

This solution would have the additional dividend of creating a new supporters club – along with the Aussie Hammers, Dublin Hammers etc we could add ‘the magnetic Hammers’ !!!

Ex-Hammer Sinks Millwall

 

Deemed surplus to requirements at Upton Park despite impressing at youth level, poor Robert Hall can honestly feel that after a mere 4 appearances that he never really got a chance under Big Sam’s regime. Small, pacey and with a keen eye for goal, his attributes didn’t fit in with requirements amongst the present muscular Hammers squad and he was let go to Bolton. But even at that distance, young Hall has demonstrated his continued worth to the Bubbles cause by making a key contribution to a 3-1 hammering dished out to the hapless Lions.

It is easily forgotten that Hall was voted academy player of the year in 2011/12. Just as Manchester United fans seem to feel that they have some call over Ravel Morrison’s  future, maybe the Hammers can consider Robert one to consider for a recall to base in the future? His comments after the match demonstrated his continued affinity for West Ham, so anything is possible? Meanwhile, ex-Hammer Steve Lomas seemed mildly unhappy that Millwall were defeated.

 

In other begrudgery news, Sheffield United managed to keep the dream of a cup encounter between the blades and the Hammers alive by scraping past Colchester with a late penalty.

Knowing me Alan Partridge, Knowing you West Ham Fans

Knowing me Alan Partridge, Knowing you West Ham Losers!

 

 

 

Well what a Ruddy game Huh. Smell my cheese you West Ham Mothers!!!! But no I must stop myself right there. Having been one of the top 8 BBC sports reporters during march of 1993 I must portray this epic Norwich victory. Firstly not a lot of West Ham fans know that after the bombing of Dresden, Norwich became the city with the most pre reformation churches in Europe. Having looked down the barrel of defeat I am sure that many of the traveller West Ham community found solace in the beautiful stone cloisters of Norwich Cathedral post match. Don't get me wrong-I actually like cockneys. You lot are essentially like shop soiled humans. Although we don't require the soup kitchens and Pie and Mash shops like you lot do.

 

National treasure? I ruddy think not!

 

While on my typical Sunday morning drive up the A47 to Swwaffam I reflected upon the game yesterday. Then I tried to call my Ex Wife Carol and my son Fernando  to get their thoughts on the match but unfortunately they were unavailable to take my call. Might phone Lin in a bit actually. On that note I must leave you cockney rejects with one final thought.... SAM!!!!!, SAM!!!!! SAM!!!!! SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Love,

Alan. x

 

Demel: I can be the solution to the Hammer’s attacking woes

Yippee!!!

West Ham’s Guy Demel has vowed to continue on his seemingly impossible quest in search of a goal for the Claret and blues of East London. After yesterdays bizarre defeat to Norwich City, the attacking sensation revealed that his fantasy is to be a top striker in the Champions League when the Hammers move to the Olympic Stadium.

Hammer’s fans were again treated to further glimpses of the Ivorian’s attacking potency when he ghosted in for a corner and rattled a header off the Norwich bar. This comes after a number of close misses over the past few matches, including last week when he twice headed the ball over the crossbar from 2 yards!  “I’m just getting revved up to go on a goal scoring spree like I did during my time at Hamburger FC when I bagged a whopping pair of goals in just 131 appearances!”

The conversation then quickly turned to the important question of how exactly how one should pronounce his first name – ‘Gi’ or Gei’. Helpfully, a French translator who happened to be passing at that moment advised “that depends on whether it’s the feminine or masculine context, now get out of my way I am trying to get to the Noocassel game”.

Meanwhile, Hammers fans have begun speculating as to what the Demel goal celebration will look like if the time finally arrives when he breaks his Hammers duck? While some have backed a nonchalant response from the French-speaking star, others have opted to put ntheir money on a considerably more flamboyant somersault-incorporating effort.  

Former Essex pub league striking sensation with Blazers FC, Paxios Meagher added “All you need to do is keep getting into the right places and eventually the ball will ricochet off you into the net”