Ex-Hammer in Chipshop Brawl

Valon and Johan exchange some banter over whether Alex Song's goal against the Arse earlier this season should have been allowed

Top hairdressing stylist Vidal Sassoon has expressed outrage at news of an incident at the weekend wherein ex-Hammer Valon Behrami's hair was ruffled out of shape in a fight inside a chipshop. Playing these days for FC Cheeseburger, who are at the bottom of the Bundesliga menu, reports indicate that he was assaulted by team'mate' Johan Djourou, who readers will remember used to play for the Gooners of middle earth.


Behrami is said to be recovering in a hairdressing intensive care unit where they are remodelling his bonnet so that he can return to his duties as a top soccer hair model.

In happier times playing for Chelsea (away)

Behrami will unoubtedly be missing the happier days he spent at West ham between 2008 and 2011 when he put in 58 catwalk appearances and also, it should be admitted, patrolled the Hammers midfield with much energy and tenacity. Moreover, despite his Swiss footballing allegiance, he is probably the only Albanian to ever play for the Hammers.

Meanwhile, the local press have turned against their club by including a blank page in their sports section with the heading 'reasons to feel positive about Hamburg'.


Meanwhile, Croatian striker Ivica Olic has made an impassioned plea for unity within the squad by revealing in an interview that Cristiano Ronaldo couldnt save the team at this stage.

Would Valon, who is now 29 years old, be welcome back at Upton Park if Hamburg get relegated?

More importantly, Should top soccer stars be banned from hanging out in fast food outlets during matches?

Should Cristiano Ronaldo help out the under fire German side?

Is Ivica Olic related to Jermain Defoe?

Should Vidal Sassoon keep his mits out of top soccer issues?

Since West ham's Premiership season is stone cold, we promise to keep you abreast of any scrap of Hammers news that could be considered even vaguely titillating.