FA to Launch Enquiry as Digital Error Thwarts Hapless Hammers

In dreadful scenes today at No Heart Lane, the brave Hammers were undone by faulty digital technology that allowed for a bizarre and completely unwarranted FIVE minutes of extra time during which the officials heaped further injustice upon the visitors by awarding a mighty soft penalty in the final seconds of the match!!!

As rumours circulated that the fourth official had been unable to work the timer correctly, or that the device had become infected by a Tottenham virus, the poor Hammers were robbed of a well earned victory.

Crusing with 15 minutes to go and 2-0 ahead after stunning strikes from Kouyate and Sakhoooooo, suddenly a mishit Danny Roseshot bounced over the hapless Adrian and it was game on again.

Then in the final ten seconds, Harry Kane fell over in the box and as the Spurs fans bayed for a penalty the referee crumbled.

There was still time for Adrian to save the penalty but Harry Kane was followingup and slotted the rebound. Dreadful stuff. Truly dreadful.

Hammers Select Strongest Possible Starting XI

It's the big one and not surprisingly Big Sam has selected a strong starting line up. Interestingly, Kevin Nolan is on the bench as the dream midfield of Kouyate, Song, Noble and Downing finally gets to start. In Nolan's absence, Mark Noble is captain. The prolific Harry Kane returns for Spurs but West Ham will hope that the similarly returning Winston Reid can stiffle his impact. Up front for West Ham, Sakho is fit and ready to terrorise the Tottenham defence while for his striking partnet Enner Valencia today is the ideal moment to shine.

Rory Nostradamus predicts a thriller with the final score a 2-2 draw

Tottenham

Lloris, Walker, Dier, Vertonghen, Rose, Bentaleb, Mason, Lamela, Dembele, Townsend, Kane
Subs: Vorm, Davies, Fazio, Stambouli, Chadli, Eriksen, Soldado

West Ham

Adrian, Jenkinson, Tomkins, Reid, Cresswell, Song, Noble, Kouyate, Downing, Sakho, Valencia.
Subs: Jaaskelainen, Demel, O’Brien, Collins, Nolan, Jarvis, Cole

Ron Burgundy Intervenes in West Bromgate Affair

As the images of West Ham fans abuse of David Sullivan dominated the news, celebrity Hammers fan Ron Burgundy urged fans to remember the Hammers code of behaviour.

As some observers attempted to add a sense of respectability to the comments of the fans during the offensive exchange by suggesting that the focus was on Kevin Nolan's performance, having watched extended footage its hard not to feel embarrassed for those concerned.

C'mon lads....keep it classy!

For those who want to keep the flame burning by bringing kids to the game it would be nice to be spared such foul behaviour

"He's behind you!": Say Hello to our 'new' striker

ŹZZZzzzz........So the news is that Andy Carroll is crocked for the season having sustained medial ligament damage during Wednesday evenings battle with Southampton. Already the merchants of gloom are writing off our chances of grabbing a European spot citing an absence of firepower up front. David Sullivan has announced that West ham are seeking a replacement and unsurprisingly a host of out of contract misfits are being mooted as the solution.

But deep within the camp lurks a far more exciting solution in youmg Elliot Lee. The lad has certainly demonstrated the ability to score at development level and would almost certainly have amassed more first team game time if he were at a club with a less conservative minded manager.

Son of Rob, Elliot's style is more like Cottee than his dad. A graduate of the academy and lifelong Hammer, he has been patiently waiting his opportunity. Having overcome a variety of injury setbacks in 2014, he looks ready to step up to the big time and make 2015 his announcement year. Lee looks set to make the bench along with fellow youngster Reece Oxford for this afternoon's trip to the Hawthorns.

 Maybe today is the day....?

Hammers to Sign Higuita as New Goalkeeping Coach

Undoubtedly the arrival of Teddy Sheringham last Summer as Forwards coach added much-needed creativity to the Hammers offense. However, the East London giants refuse to rest on their laurels and are now seeking to bring positions not usually associated with fancy forward play into their attacking efforts.

Recent scenes in the FA cup highlighted the considerable upfield skills of goalkeeper Adrian and, perhaps not surprisingly, the Hammers have decided to try and incorporate his efforts into their attack. However, after last night's unfortunate setback wherein Adrian was caught out trying to dribble past Southampton's striker, it is rumoured that the East Londoners plan to bolster their efforts by recruiting the expertise of football's greatest ever attacking netminder - Rene Higuita!

The Colombian legend is perhaps best known for his 'scorpion' kick, but was also known for his capacity to dribble forward into the opposition half as well as his contribution with offensive free kicks!

Back at Chadwell heath, Adrian's two match ban for the red card he received for diving on the ball after losing control of it should provide the ideal opportunity to master the scorpion kick and other similar attacking goalkeeper skills.

With reports that Andy Carroll could be out for another six weeks, maybe its time for Adrian to move into a forward role. Jussi Jaaskelainen certainly looked sharp enough upon his return to fill any vacancy that arises between the sticks!

It was like scenes from ZULU out there!

Get up, they've got another corner

The mighty Hammers were once again licking their wounds this morning after another brave performance earned them a point against high-flying Southampton at St Mary's stadium last night.

The game itself was a dull affair in terms of goalscoring action as Sam's troops were forced to close things down after being reduced to ten men. Poor Adrian got himself into a comical tangle trying to dribble out from the back and then handled the ball outside his box. Things got even worse for the Hammers after Andy Carroll injured his ankle but bravely stayed on the field despite being almost totally immobile.

With the Hammers effectively reduced to nine men, the spectacle became like scenes from the 60s movie classic Zulu as wave upon wave of marauding Southampton warriors laid siege on West ham's goal. In the film, which is based upon a true story, a battalion of 150 wounded soldiers successfully holds off an army of 4000 Zulu warriors. Amazingly, the Hammers also held out to earn a brave point with a long list of heroic performances including Alex Song and Cheik Kouyate at the helm. However, Sam's men are now down to the bare bones for next weekend's FA cup clash away to West brom.

As for Southampton, they will feel disappointed to have only managed a point after fortune provided them with such a massive numerical advantage.

Will somebody please explain the phrase 'wind up' to Van Gaal...

I think he's yanking your chain mate

No doubt Sir Alex Ferguson will be sharing the fun with his old friend Big Sam after his stunningly effective pee-pulling comments about long ball Man United provoked the gullible Netherlander to produce a dossier in defence of his ineffective tactics!

Some fans have suggested that the crafty old trickster should try the same stunt on Saints boss Ronald Koeman ahead of tonights clash. However, more sensitive fans have expressed concerns that Allardyce might be fined by UEFA for the crime of 'Dutch-abuse' due to his deliberate exploitation of our irony-deficient European neighbours!

In further developments, the frequently ridiculous Pierre Van Hooijdonk has rushed to Van Gaal's defence labelling a host of English managers "clowns". Van Hooijdonk, who previously invested £2,000,000 in a non-existent Chinese company, included Allardyce, Ron Atkinson and Dave Bassett in his circus of clowns!

God help Sam when Jose Mourinho finds out that he has been copying his moves!