How Carroll Survived Brendan "the Berserker"...

Andy Carroll is set to join the list of survivors of psychological torture as he finally revealed the extent of the mental abuse he was subjected to during his time at Liverpool FC.

Trust me...

In a hard hitting interview, Carroll described a pattern of head-wrecking interactions with Reds boss Brendan 'the beserker' Rodgers.

Probably quite clever

Dr Rodgers, who has an honours degree in sports psychobabbleology, is thought to have lost the run of himself with a series of bizarre experiments apparently aimed to develop a new form of shitespeak based upon the principles of paradoxical futility.

Andy was deeply affected by the abuse

Carroll describes being assured of his role in all things Liverpool in face to face encounters with Rodgers but then these were frequently followed up with telephone conversations suggesting he should get out while he could....even to Foolham!

Today's clash thus provides the perfect opportunity for Andy to complete his journey of recovery and strike a blow for all victims of mental torture.

West Ham Victim of Wicked Media Conspiracy Ahead of Liverpool Clash

Yet more evidence that Noble is leaving

West Ham fans were subject today to an almost comical attack from some sources in the media as it was revealed that midfielder Mark Noble is on his way to either QPR or West Brom!!! Even more amusing, the apparent arrival of Darren Fletcher has been used as evidence that Noble is now surplus to requirements at his beloved Hammers! One wonders at the motivations for such mischievious malevolence ahead of today's crunch clash with fellow Champions league contenders Liverpool.

Perhaps the source is linked to that which recently projected an end of season Premiership table with Liverpool miraculously rising to fourth place and West Ham slipping to ninth! With a nervy keeper, confused defence, physically lightweight midfield and misfiring attack, it's hard not to feel that the computer that generated such drivel may have fallen victim to a scouser virus.

However, in news just in, we can confirm that rather than leaving to join relegation-bound Queens and Park Rangers, Mark has in fact agreed a new 125 year contract with West Ham United. Hammers fans will undoubtedly be delighted at what is widely perceived as only ample reward for his many years of commitment to the club.

However, some critics have expressed surprise at the length of the contract that has been offered. In response, club sources have revealed their logic “Mark’s agent explained to us that he has Timelord abilities and thus the capacity to represent the Hammers ad infinitum and simultaneously across time. As you might expect, we were initially quite sceptical but a search of club records provided conclusive proof of Marks repeated presence at the club over its full history”

Rumours have been circulating for some time that Noble’s commitment to West Ham is so great that he has appeared for the Hammers in a number of previous incarnations. Upon realising the significance of his time travel, the club decided to snap him up on a long-term contract.

Here below, for example, he is with the Cup winners cup winning team – unbelievably back then the young Noble was reimbursed at a mere two shillings and sixpence a year for his pre-Bosman efforts!

And again, here (back row, left), turning out for an early Thames ironworks side –Noble is readily recognised by his trademark nonchalant sideways glance!

And here, arriving at Wembley with fellow West Ham fans arriving for the 1923 FA Cup final pitch invasion. This incarnation was unusually untalented at soccer and therefore expressed his club devotion by leading the ironically named ‘casuals’

At a press conference earlier today Mark was able to reveal some startling developments in football in the future. As the Captain of our famous future three in a row Eurozone championship team in 2145, he noted “It’s all got so much easier since Man United abandoned football and became a space basketball team”

He also smiled when asked to describe the future fate of Sheffield United – Tragically they never recovered from their multiple relegations after the Tevez affair, especially when an appeal resulted in them having to return the 24 million compensation that they received from West ham. After that they were bought out by fellow whingoids - the Daleks- and used as training fodder for the dalek space rugby league team (Division 3B: Northern section, Tuesday nights).

But it’s not all fun and games in the future, as Mark noted how technology had allowed for some particularly obstinate personalities to prolong their lives, resulting in the inexterminatable version of Neil Space Warlock Warnock, last seen complaining about refereeing standards on the bleak and desolate planet of Mongo 7. Brrrrrrrrr!

Either way, we at VERYWESTHAM would like to initiate a campaign against untruthful, exaggerated and speculative journalism.....for all of eternity.

As for Today's game - Noble revealed that although West Ham have not won at Anfield in over 40 years, in the furure victories against Liverpool became a routine affair for East London's finest. Right now, here at VERYWESTHAM we predict that the Hammers will emphasise their Eurocredentials with a 2-1 win, with Liverfool rejects AC and Stewie D contributing the crucial goals and boyhood Liverpool fans Cresswell and Nolan having particularly important contributions - Cresswell with his swashbuckling runs forward and Nolan with some top class Scouse referee badgering!

COYI!!!

What now for Dan Potts?

West ham's apparent capture of Stephen Hendrie from Hamilton suggests that the club are thinking ahead to the future - an aspect of planning that has not been to the fore during Big Sam's reign. However, the impressive performances of Aaron Cresswell - who can add 'not injury prone' to his fast feet, willingness to get forward and classy delivery attributes, makes one wonder what the signing of a promising left back means for our existing squad?

Young Dan Potts has impressed on the occasions he has been given an opportunity to shine. However, despite his excellent attitude and discipline, his relative lack of physical prowess has been a recurring consideration that has impeded his progress under Big Sam.

With the adaptable Joey O'Brien always available to fill any defensive gap that appears, the omens are not good for young Potts. Moreover, with Cresswell having nailed down the left back berth, one wonders if Hendrie will be happy to play understudy?

Progress is good but there are casualties along the way. With Pott's contract expiring in the Summer, there will undoubtedly be some interesting developments ahead.

Hammers to face further criticism from Senegal

West ham will be bracing themselves for further criticism as the Senegal national side were dumped out of the African Cup of nations this evening losing their final group match 2-0 to Algeria.

Its difficult to say for sure where the absent Diafra Sakho would have figured in coach Alain Giresse's plans, but undoubtedly a lack of firepower up front contributed to their unexpected exit from the tournament. Sakho was demed unfit for National duty by the West Ham medical team but then subsequently made a faster than predicted recovery to appear as a substitute in last Sunday's FA cup clash with Bristol City. Even more galling for the Senegalese, the striking sensation not only looked sharp but also netted the crucial deciding goal!

West ham made much of the need to transport Sakho to the game by Cadillac chauffeur, maintaining that he remained unfit to fly due to his niggly back problem.

One suspects the accusations will fly as the Senegalese might well feel that they have been "East-ended"!

The good news for West ham is the midfield powerhouse Cheikou Kouyate will now be available sooner than expected - a real boost ahead of a tough run of key Premiership fixtures that will almost certainly be season-defining for the Hammers.

Fletcher Fails Medical due to "bad feet"

As Norman Stanley Fletcher once famously confessed when confronted by the Slade prison medics "with these bad feet who'd have me".

And so it is as the rumour mill gathers suggesting that West ham are about to sign the soon-to-be out of contract Darren Fletcher, one wonders at the wisdom of taking on board a player who has amassed a mere 34 games in the last four seasons at Manchester United.

Moreover, its hard to see how Fletcher can improve on our recent record of taking on Man U rejects as experiences with Ravel Morrison and Luke Chadwick suggest that the Mancunians are craftier than we imagine in deciding when a player is surplus to requirements (the days of Stuart Pearson are long over!). Our current success is based upon pace and agility that the 30 year old midfielder no longer has. If we really plan to build a squad with  Champions league pretentions we surely need to look for up and coming rather than fading (modest) talents.

This doesn't smack of progress. More like consolidation. Is Fletcher really an improvement on Jack Collison - both ability and fitness-wise? Moreover, poor Diego Poyet must be wondering what he has signed up to...

Let's hope Tony Pulis is more successful in his efforts to 'hijack' West ham's bid to sign the aging midfielder than to frustrate our FA cup ambitions!

It's the Baggies at the Hawthorns!

C'mon then....give us what you've got...

The draw has just been completed and the Hammers will face West Brom on the weekend of the 14/15th February as their quest for FA cup glory continues.

With our away record agaibst Pulis-managed sides we will need to perform at our very best to keep the cup run going. Will Berahino still be a Baggie by then?

Banksy Speaks as Hammers Defy the Knockers

You'd have to feel sorry for poor Bristol City who, after a gallant effort today, found themselves undone by a piece of brilliance from Andy Carroll that set up goalscoring machine Diafra Sakho to nod in the decisive solitary goal of a lively affair.

Meanwhile, Senegal are slowly edging their way to the last eight of the African Cup of Nations after a win against Ghana and a draw against South Africa from their first two matches leaves them needing only a draw from their final group match against to reach the last eight. Cheikhou Kouyae has been busy starting their first match and joining as a late substitute in the second.

As for the Hammers, is this the year we rediscover our relationship with the cup?