SNAP!!!...Stoke do it the Allardisi Way

Touche!!! There’s been all sorts of carping by West Ham about the various injustices served upon them during their 3-1 defeat yesterday at the Brittania, but in all fairness we got beaten sat our own game. A tough and resolute Stoke side matched us for every missed pass in a scrappy but entertaining affair and despite taking a ‘crucial’ early lead, we let them grind us down and then behead us on the break as we pushed up in desperation at the end. The shots on target rating favours Stoke at 9 versus 2 and that alone surely says enough about who deserved to take the points.

 

There can be little consolation in losing to such a charmless lot – with Shawcross, Odemwingie and the truly odious Stephen Ireland unlikely to win any popularity contests outside of the Potteries. The only solace for Hammers fans was in the excellent performance of Andy Carroll and his return to goal scoring after a full eleven months! Hardly the form of anybody looking to travel to the world cup, and after all his injuries it would surely be better for the Hammers if he stayed back in the safety of East London for the summer break.

After the harsh treatment of Mark Noble, Hodgson deserves little assistance from the Hammers and many fans are still sore about the Ashtongate incident. So it’s back to the grind and a reality that we still need to watch our backs as the relegation battle will be tight as hell and likely to throw up a few surprises yet. Next up is a hopelessly out of from Man United, straight off a thumping at home from Liverpool.  They will arrive feeling sore and ready to bite back and a fit Rooney (who always seems to score against us!). We must not forget the genuine injustices of last season’s encounters with the Mancs which left a score to be settled.  

 

Hammers Reject Anelka

Hardly a man associated with fairy tale endings, Nicolas ‘Le Sulk’ Anelka has managed to impress at a multitude of clubs during his career by virtue of his goal scoring prowess rather than any outward show of allegiance or commitment to the cause. The latest debacle at West Brom, where player and club are engaged in a brow-beating sacking contest after his admonishment for performing a quenelle gesture after scoring a brace against a hapless Hammers defence in December’s 3-3 thriller at the Boleyn.

Stop scoring against us and we might!

Although Anelka has pleaded ignorance in respect of the potential for interpretation of ‘Le quenelle’ as an offensive gesture, it’s difficult to see how someone from his background could be unaware of its significance. Pleading cultural differences is a nonsense when those very cultural differences bring a greater awareness of the various sensitivities of the issue at hand. Moreover, footie fans are only to aware of the considerable and careful planning that players make in respect of goal celebrations as they are only too aware that such moments bring five seconds of intense scrutiny with the attendant opportunity to ‘impress’.   

                                                Just straightening my arm bands in an anti-establishment way, honestly

So with Anelka on the loose again, and with a history of working well under Allardyce in the past, he could well provide a useful striking option for the Hammers (albeit not until next season). However, at 34 his trademark pace is slowing, and apart from the brace against a makeshift Hammers defence (a third tier centre back and a left back), Anelka has hardly troubled defences at any level (even Chinese soccer!) since leaving Chelsea 18 months ago. However, some critics have noted Anelka’s comments that he would like to follow a career as an actor “because it’s different to football and there’s no ball”.  

                                                                     More 'dodgy' hand gestures

He might find a spell under the current Hammers regime an opportunity to indulge such desires!

Guy Demel: Footballing Genius!

 

 

There can be no doubt that one of the highlights of the West Ham season to date has been the impressive partnership down the right side between Stewart Downing and Guy Demel – but while Downing has received most of the plaudits for their efforts, the astute footie observer will have inevitably noticed the massive contribution of the muscular but skilled Ivorian at right back. Whether it's pressurising attackers into mistakes, or romping down the right flank cutting a path to the opposition goal, quite simply, Demel has been a footballing sensation!

 

I've got your back, Buddy!

With the most games of any defender at a massive twenty four appearances, Guy (pronounced 'GEEE') has the highest tackle success rate at 62%! Moreover, this defensive prowess is complemented by sustained discipline with the lowest caution rate of all our defenders at a mere three yellow cards – a testament to his experience and discipline under pressure- that’s just one caution for every 12 hours of action!

Nice neat handwriting for autographs as well!!!

 

Moreover,  VERYWESTHAM’s novel player assessment system includes the crucial-for- fans attribute of ENTHUSIASM FOR THE CAUSE – largely based upon tenacity when things are going against us - for which Demel scores the superhigh rating of 92% - even during the difficult Yuletide period, Guy kept positive with his infectious smile and even took to cheering depressed fans up with some 'hilarious' acrobatics!

 

But it is in pass accuracy that we best see the evidence for Demel’s sensational partnership with Stewart Downing – the highest accuracy of any Hammers’ defender and a whopping twelve key passes!!! These have generally followed one of his trademark swashbuckling runs into the opposition half during which some fans have been known to close their eyes in excitement.

 

 

Guy’s absolute unselfishness is evidenced by the fact that he has refrained from actually scoring himself, leaving it to the more avaricious types such as Kevin Nolan. Never the less, it is a wonder that despite their industry and trickery, neither Downing nor Demel have yet scored for the Hammers!!! A fact that has left Hammers fans speculating as to the nature of the Demel goal celebration?   

                                                     The bookies favourite at 3-1 to be 'THE' celebration

Self-Harming Hammers Get the Daggers Out!

The international break, twinned with more cup action, has left some footie fans at an unacceptable loose end. Heavily addicted Hammers faithful, who have relied upon their weekly self-harm sessions down at the Boleyn, have been left to seek satisfaction with the increasingly unfulfilling spectacle that is provided by these all too frequent international ‘friendlies’. Local Samaritans have been inundated with footie fans in all sorts of obnoxious states of withdrawal as they pine for their weekly dose of delicious dysphoria.

 

The only point of interest in these insipid affairs is whether one of your players might suffer an “Ashton” or become embroiled in some pointless debate about whether the manager is trying to subtly insult you or is just a rambling old timer who tends to wander off on stories that make no sense other than to confuse and befuddle.




Verywestham on tour

Some Hammers fans have taken the ‘Football-lite’ option of trying to engage with the ‘mighty’ O’s or ‘deadly’ Daggers, or even SAAF end, but are soon reminded how insipid and surprisingly not inexpensive lower league shenanigans really are – and what a good job the blokes behind Saturday night’s Football league show do to dress up this largely pedestrian product as something pure and ‘real’. Sadly, Barry Hearn’s Olympic stadium antics have stunted our affections for the O’s, while the Daggers and Shrimpers remain our likeable but underachieving cousins.   

In this context, Saturday’s visit to the stock car racing circuit that is the Brittania stadium, for a fight to the death with Stoke city represents a mouth- watering prospect. With the Hammers back to their physically imposing best, we can expect plenty of ground-shuddering collisions and the prize of a hard earned point (or maybe a sneaky three?) that will bring us ever closer to Premiership safety. Either way, the boredom break is over and it’s into the final straights of a ‘weird’ season that will go right down to the wire at both the top and bottom.

Mob launch campaign to install West Ham star in England squad

Having successfully gotten Tom Cleverley off the Engerland team, fans behind the ‘tell Hodgson what to do’ campaign have turned their attentions to the problems in defence and have launched a new campaign to have Guy Demel installed at right back.

Three Irons in the shirt

 Although some observers have pointed out that the swashbuckling Hammers hero may not actually qualify for the English National side, but experts have reassured Hodgson and his knowledgeable selection team that the Cote D’Ivoire is in fact a small hamlet beside Ashby de la Zouch in Leicestershire.  

 

In other news, age action UK have hailed the continued selection of Stevie G as a massive breakthrough in the fight against ageism.  The experienced former midfielder even managed to last a full ninety minutes of action – principally through the canny conservation of energy by walking for much of the second half. The likeable Liverpuddlian even agreed not to bother young Kasper Schmeichel with a single shot in anger out of respect for his father Peter, against whom Gee had many tussles during his heyday back in the late nineties / early noughties.

 

Mark Noble, who leads the premiership statistics on combined tackles and passes completed, will be heartened to learn that he, just like Gerrard and Frank Lamplard, he could still be selected up to his late thirties. As such, the youthful Hammer has at least another decade during which he may get a call up to the squad - and perhaps may even get a short run out as a late substitute in games where the result is already decided!

Meanwhile, Cleverley, who is the younger brother of Denis Wise, will undoubtedly point the England management ‘team’  to the words of his Brazilian cousin for advice…

Three Irons in the Shirt!!!

Not during Hodgson's watch!!!

Brave Mark Noble vowed to continue to produce the stunning form that he has displayed of late undeterred by England Boss Roy Hodgson’s latest snub ahead of the pre-World Cup International friendlies. It had been widely anticipated that his sensational performances for the buoyant Hammers would inevitably lead to him adding to his 46 under age International caps with a full England debut but astonishingly, he has been overlooked in favour of a variety of geriatric never-have-beens and some stunningly average newbies!!!

                                                                       33 years young!


So what is it that Hodgson thinks that Mark lacks – undoubtedly, his loyalty in sticking with the Hammers for a season of Championship football two years ago was admirable, but has impeded his international career. However, this year we have seen him operate as ringmaster for the buoyant Hammers – orchestrating the link between defence and attack, delivering set pieces and picking up the rating as the most energetic Premiership performer for Yards covered. 
 


Widiculous

One really wonders what it is that Noble has to do to get into Roy’s plans? Luckily for West Ham, the lad is Claret and Blue through and through and seems to get what he needs from club football. For now, he must remain the Cinderella but surely his time must come soon?





And if all that's not enough, his calm penalty taking might be an asset for a side that usually gets eliminated for cracking in the inevitable penalty shoot out.

                                                                          EEEasy for Noble!

Get your finger out lad! Carroll in goat impersonation

Once again there were horrific scenes for Hammers’ fans to endure at Goodison Park as a determined West Ham side were again undone by the curse of the Toffees.  Even worse, vulnerable fans were exposed to a horror show by Andy Carroll, as the otherwise underoccupied striker decided to try and entertain away fans with a finger puppetry show that included images of the swan-like Roberto Martinez, bullish Sam Allardyce, and of course, Satan Baines.

 

Sadly, the fun came to an end when Everton finally breached the Hammers’ defence with a mere 8 minutes remaining as Beelzebub Baines cleverly pulled the ball back for recidivistic Hammers heartbreaker Romelu Lukaku to smash the ball home. Hammers fans were left to seek solace in their own finger puppetry as they made the long journey home from Goodison after another brave but ultimately fruitless expedition.

 

That's definitely a snail, isn't it?

 

Farewell then for another year to our our sticky contemporaries...