A Key Element in our Premiership Return Departs

Reports this evening indicate that Matt Taylor's time at West Ham has come to an end as it appears he has rejected a new contract offer and at 32 years of age will be seeking pastures new. For much of the early part of last season Taylor seemed surplus to requirements, but having slipped into the side due to injuries to other players, he put in some excellent performances, in many cases displaying a level of mobility that belied his years!

The moment that immortalised Taylor in Hammers history

However, time is merciless and it seems that next year another club will be benefitting from his cultured left foot. For Hammers fans, we will best remember Matt for his determined run from defence in the championship play off final against Blackpool, which he followed with a deft pass to Carlton 'Killer' Cole who slotted away the all important first goal and settled our jangling nerves after a pretty awful first period. There was knicker-wetting excitement to follow before we crawled home but undoubtedly Taylor's contribution on the day was crucial.

Best of luck Matt wherever you roam.

West Ham Hippos revealed as ‘most likely’ name change

Ever since the failed career of ‘squiggle – the artist formerly known as Prince’, astute observers have been wary of foolish name changes. While most footie fans smirk at the ridiculous monikers of American football franchises (with Dolphins, Bears, Buffaloes, etc) the emergence of the Hull City Pussycats has fans looking over their shoulders as they look to futures likely to be characterised by more and more intrusion from foreign investers who simply don’t appreciate that the Southampton Sharks and the Stoke City Porcupines are just nafftastically NOT on.

Down at West Ham United FC all manner of modernisation is taking place as Messers Sully and Gold seek to liven up the brand that has endured since the swinging sixties. The Allardyce factor is undoubtedly an element that will contribute to the choice of beast that West Ham might be linked to – and right now with our sizeable squad with it’s potential for physicality would be best likened to that supersized creature the Hippopotamus, with the West Ham Hippos or the London Olympic Porpoises (LOPS) the most likely animalistic label we prepare ourselves for.

 

This may sound pretty awful for most Hammers fans BUT spare a thought for the Liverpool Leopards, the Swansea Cheetahs,  the Fulham Fishfingers and the Brighton Beavers.

Ahmmm.

Hammers crestfallen with slide towards Olympic London FC

Actually, it's surprisingly sleek!

These are changing times at West ham – including the move from the fortress to the park. As ever, the supporter-sensitive board have sought to ring in the necessary changes, with a review of the club’s current crest as the latest element of the transition. Early reports indicate a desire to remove the castle from the current club crest and replace it with something more ‘London’ and ‘Olympic’.

Although the board have confirmed that there are no plans to change the club’s name, there can be no guarantees that when they (inevitably) sell up to a major international tycoon / uber-wealthy oil sheik etc that all such bets will be off and we will find ourselves rebranded as Olympic London AFC, (formerly West Ham United).

Sheik Superdoshed discusses his plans for her majesty's favourite club

Some fans are simply  loving the trendy rebranding and see it as an opportunity to steal a march upon other London clubs while further pouring further ridicule upon tragic Orient and the soulless droids over at No Heart Lane. However, for others these changes are proving more problematic. Executive Director of sports strategy at the club, Bobby Fisher, has expressed his disappointment – “Without the castle we simply cannot set out a full chess board – what’s next, no horses?”

Chess is incomplete without castles....and horses

Luckily there will always be pawns – the loyal supporters!

Cottee Back in Training and Targeting Hammers Return!

C'mon ref - give an old guy a break for goodness sake?

With the news that veteran goalkeeper Jussi Jaaskelainen has signed a one year extension to his West Ham contract, older persons the world over have experienced a spring in their step as the 39 year old has set the 40 years and 9 months Giggsonian record as his target in terms of ultimate career chronological achievement.

The likeable Finnish-person was considered well past it by many when he arrived at Fortress Boleyn at the age of 36 years young, but he has more tham proved his worth as a key element of the Premiership-stabilising squad of the past two years. The arrival of Adrian has reduced his first team performances of late, but he remains an able back up in case of any mishap befalling the Spanish netminder.
 

However, one must wonder what the Hammers 'trainee' keepers must think - especially Irish international Stephen Henderson who has fought back bravely from a nasty shoulder injury and must feel that his time is nigh. His uncle Dave, of Bohemians fame in the League of Ireland, will undoubtedly be disappointed with events. 'Hendo' as he is known, patrolled the Northside club's goal with aplomb for many years.

Made to wear Gateaux jersey - total disgrace for a Bohs legend!

Meanwhile, sources have indicated that the increasing frustrations of  Tony Cottee have boiled over to include a return to daily training with a possible view to a return to first team action for the bubbles brigade. At a mere 48 years of age, the youngster is still a mere cild in terms of the likes of Stanley Matthews and clearly retired too young.

All available if needed to do a job...

Unfortunately, his flirtation towards the end of his previous playing career with local rivals Millwall, however brief will undoubtedly impact negatively upon his selectability at West Ham.

Another decade - supergood!

Otherwise, this is good news for youngster Kevin Nolan who at a mere 33 should have at least another ten good years in him!.

Hammers Stunner with Fabulous Signing

In breaking news this evening it has emerged that West Ham's major signing for the Summer is the simply fantastic Cesc Fabulous. The signing is almost as audacious as the Tevez arrival, with some sources suggesting that it may indeed be 'fabulous' in the 'having no basis in reality' sense, but experts have confirmed that the shot is genuine because the subject is missing a digit on his left hand - just like the real Cesc Fabulous who lost the digit in a game of  penknife dare just like Teddy in Hangover 2.

Totally true - Alan Says so...

The only question now is where BFS will play Fabulous given that his midfield is already overstocked with creative playmakers?  

What Really Happened in the mysterious departure of Razvan Rat?

Ex-Hammer Razvan ‘Roland’ Rat was in the news again yesterday as he popped up to score the winner for Romania in a close fought ‘friendly’ battle with neighbours Albania. The 33 year old has now amassed almost 100 international caps, including many as captain. After all the tensions of the Premier league season, Hammers fans can reflect upon a strange year that included the mysterious and sudden exit of Rat at the end of the transfer window.




I've no idea either mate!

Rat initially struggled to get into the first side and had to sit on the bench for the first five Premiership outings, but injuries to Guy Demel and then Joey O’Brien created space for rat to join the starting line up. Initially he slotted in well but as Hammers form dipped with injuries to their three centre backs, Rat’s performances became more erratic with rumours of friction with Allardyce. These criticisms focused upon Razvan’s tendency to drift forwards (contravening Allardyce’s game plans) with Rat apparently claiming communication difficulties as the reason for the ‘misunderstanding’.  The goal against Albania was a tap in having arrived from nowhere at the right side of the six-yard box – hardly a place for an Allardyce left back! Never the less, it would be difficult to pick out a specific incident where the full back could be blamed for a poor result and his departure was sudden and unexpected amongst Hammers faithful.

Undoubtedly financial issues were relevant to the Rat story – with a one-year 30K a week contract this was always paid mercenary employment, especially for the 33 year old battle-weary Romanian. However, it is rumoured that the severance package included Rat receiving 75% of his projected earnings, making this explanation less credible.  It has been suggested that his contract included a clause to allow for a two-year extension if he appears in two-thirds of matches – and it is ntable that he managed 20 appearances for the Hammers - but his age would make that a barely credible possibility. FFP rules may also have been a factor forcing a reduced wage bill but most clubs have so far been quite cavalier in their disregard for these limits and it remains to be seen whether Man City’s fine will penetrate the general indifference out there.

So perhaps the best clue as to what really happened lies in the timing of Rat’s departure – right at the end of the transfer window. It seems likely that he may have been made available in the window but few foreign clubs could match the Premiership wages and his subsequent employment at Rayo Vallecano represents a nice top up of his salary and a welcome boost ahead of a looming retirement. Although Rayo Vallecano managed to stay up in La Liga, the’little’ team of Madrid got poor  value for their signing as Rat struggled to find form and also had to sit out a four match suspension soon after his arrival for a red card received for an off the ball scrap with Celta Vigo forward,  Charles. One wonders how much contact Rat’s agent had with the Spanish side prior to his departure as he assumed unattached status after leaving West Ham – with no apparent career plan!?!

All in all, the Rat story is indicative of a poor transfer strategy last year where for all the signings, only Stewart Downing really impressed. As we find ourselves linked to all sorts of transfer fodder ahead of the world cup, perhaps we need to spend more on less and strengthen the Adrain-Reid/Tomkins-Noble-Carroll spine with real quality rather than over the hill mercenaries (no, not you Joe Cole – you are a true patriot of the cause!). As for that difficult left back slot –  what about giving Dan Potts a decent chance in the Premiership rather than some token run outs in meaningless cup competitions? 

Potts scores against Braga in last year's Pre-season

 

The Trouble with the Treble

It's hard not to wince at how much West Ham are making of the three victories over Spurs last year - for sure it was hilarious watching their heartless side crumble on three consecutive clashes with our 'heroes' but perhaps it's also time that we considered a few other statistics from what was otherwise a drab and unfulfilling season:

Chamakh!?!..... I didn't see that one coming guv

1. We lost twice to Crystal Palace. yes, nil pointes against the 'eagles'. Hmmm - in another year that could have been relegation-provoking!

Just to remind us all that we have previously beaten the Gooners

2. We have lost our last eight matches against the Gooners of middle earth and only managed two draws in the last 13 'tussles'. Hardly T-shirt-provoking form!

Mighty Mansfield humble the mighty Hammers 3-0 in 1969

3. We exited both cup competitions in humiliating circumstances, albeit in the midst of a defensive injury crisis, but losing 5-0 to a modest Nottingham Florist side who didn't get near to promotion from the chumpionship was a definite low for us as a club that stands beside previous cup defeats to Mansfield town, Aldershot and Chesterfield.

A truly noteworthy 'treble'