Sheringham Demands Sartorial Elegance

The arrival of Teddy Sheringham as attacking coach for the all new swashbuckling West Ham represents an exciting era for excitement-hungry Hammers. Already the erudite former footballer has started to ring in the changes as he seeks to bring a return to our naturally audacious and flabuoyant selves.

 

 

 

We can reveal that the Sheringham wishlist includes a demand for a new bodacious kit and the West Ham board has immediately responded by acquiring the services of top International fashion mogul, the one and only Mugatu! The top Zoolander fashionista Teddy has already identified our stunningly poor away goals haul as a major area needing attention and designed an away-trips-up-North strip that will keep players warm during visits to freezing cold hell holes like Hull and Noocassel.

That's more like it

It is expected that much of his time will be focused upon designing a new away strip as last season's effort was remarkably bland and it is rumoured may have been mistaken for a Tottie-ham or Fulham shirt by some untrained eyes due to the preponderance of white rather than our traditional and sartorially elegant sky blue with double claret hoops outfit that is the envy of all top clubs around the world!

 

 

 

Otherwise, in recognition of the immense challenge at hand in order to get an Allardyce side scoring goals, Sheringham is rumoured to have decided to temporarily withdraw from his responsibilities as a top fashion-model judge in order to spend time eyeballing potential forwards for West Ham.

 

Sheringham has also hit out at sloppy dressing practices that include ill-fitting and aerodynamically poor onfield attire, with new signing Argentinian Mauro Zarate already under fire from the superfocussed Hammers attacking coach.

 

 

Hammers to swoop for Swansea hitman

Whether it's Teddy Sheringham or Les Ferdinand who takes on the role of attack coach at the Hammers next year, they may well be bolstered by the club's latest proposed offensive signing. With Bubbles the bear getting ever closer to retirement, the ever proactive board are considering an audacious move for Swansea's Cyril the Swan - possibly the most deadly of all of the Premiership Mascots.

Cyril's previous attacking record includes a stunning strike against Lenny the Lion during a mauling of the Millwall pussycat when the sides met some seasons back - a performance that grabbed Hammers fans attentions. After some routine argy bargy, the Swan proceeded to decapitate Lenny and drop kick his detached head into the crowd!

Reports indicate that Cyril has become disillusioned with the insipid family friendly atmosphere at Swansea under Gary wots-his-name and has become embroiled in a bitter dispute with Chico 'squealing' Flores and wants to spread his wings for a new challenge. Coupled with the philosophical switch at West Ham towards unbridled offensive aggression, it is believed that the new attack-minded ethos will extend to also include support staff.

The signing of Cyril will make for a partnership with Argentinian League top scorer - Mauro Zarate who joined the Hammers earlier this week. it is hoped that the pairing can prove as potent as the Zarate-Aguero strike team that helped Argentina U20's to a world cup victory in 2007. 

Unlucky O's Come Up Zero

In the tightest of encounters today at Wembley Stadium, unlucky Leyton Orient missed out on promotion after a penalty shoot out. Rotherham came back from 2-0 down and then having been first to miss a penalty, but ultimately they crept home as Orient missed their final two spot kicks.

It's certainly a hard hit for the East Londoners, but hopefully they can spring back next year. Having worked with no transfer budget for last season, manager Russell Slade has worked minor miracles. maybe Mr Hearn could divert some of his considerable fortune towards a signing or two that could make all the difference next time.

Sincere commiserations from all the team at VERYWESTHAM

Hammers Prepare for Olympic Stadium Challenge

As our exotically named East London cousins at Orient take on mighty Rotherham in the League One Playoff Final today, rumours have already emerged that an Orient victory will be quickly followed by yet another legal challenge over use of the Olympic Stadium.

Amongst other new evidence that has emerged to support the Zero's claims include (1) their name begins with 'O' - just like the stadium! (2) Their massive home attendances (sometimes as high as 5000!!! mandate that they have use of an international stadium, and (3) Barry Hearn is a really nice bloke who should get his own way.

An Orient promotion would provide the mouthwatering propsect of the derby versus the Lions - which might make for an interesting challenge were they to come visiting the Hammers home ground due to stadium sharing.

With former FAI player of the year Dave Mooney up front they could well find themselves preparing for Millwall et al when the final whistle blows today.

 

The Z-Man brings Zombies back to Life

Guess which one he enjoyed more?

The Rangers of Queens Park looked truly dead and buried in yesterday's Chumpionship play off final when ex-Hammer Gaz 'Neil got sent off for a cynical professional foul. In a match that Derby dominated for large periods, it looked like a foregone conclusion that the eleven men would prevail and as extra time loomed, it seemed that another 30 minutes would seee the fatigue of playing with a man down would be all too much for the Queens and Park Rangers.

But then you do have to factor in the Zamora factor - The Z-man is well known and loved by his beloved Hammers for his big game antics, having previously fired the Hammers out of the Championship with a sublime strike in the 2005-6 campaign, and he was on hand as a supersub to emphasise to QPR fans what he is capable of when used properly by a motivating manager.

Although Bobby took most of the plaudits, there can be no overestimating the contribution of Robert Green who at times single-handedly kept the Parkside Rangers in the game with a string of stunning saves. You really have to wonder what QPR were thinking when they left Green bench warming for almost the entirety of their last Premiership season!

                                                                      Please play me!
 
QPR boss, Harry Redknapp is already rumoured to be considering assembling a full team of Hammers Zombies for the Premiership campaign next year with Frank Lampard, Joe Cole and Rio Ferdinand all looking for new opportunities. Either way, it should make for some exciting head to heads when we meet the Parkside Queens to collect our annual six points next year!

                                                       QPR? You're having a laugh mate!

Come On You Shrimpers!!!

With the traditionally benign relationship with little Orient having been sullied by the endless whinging about the Olympic stadium from pugnacious Barry Hearn, many Hammers fans have adopted Southend as their ‘little’ team. With a host of players switching between the clubs over the years, no doubt Southend  will have some additional support today as they welcome Burton Albion to the East End on Sea for the League two semi-final second leg where they need to pull back from a 1-0 deficit from the first leg.

Let’s hope the Shrimpers do better today than they did when Bobby Moore ‘enjoyed’ his spell at the club!

It's Holy War as Diame takes on Navas!

Yes indeed, the team sheets have been announced and the tension is building at the Etihad as nervous City prepare for their biggest test of the season. Such is the nature of the Premiership that it’s reach has now extended to include open combat between players names after religious prophets, with the top two global creeds duly represented by Mohamed Diame for the Hammers and Jesus Navas for City.

Undoubtedly, both sets of fans will be praying for a good result but will the exclusion of Jesus by Man City come back to haunt them?

Manchester City - Hart, Zabaleta, Kompany, Demichelis, Kolarov, Garcia, Toure, Nasri, Silva, Aguero, Dzeko.

Subs - Pantilimon, Lescott, Clichy, Milner, Fernandinho, Negredo, Jovetic

 

West Ham United - Adrian, Reid, McCartney, Nolan, Tomkins, Carroll, Taylor, Noble, O'Brien, Diame, Downing.

Subs - Jarvis, Armero, Vaz Te, Collins, Jaaskelainen, C.Cole, J.Cole

 

Meanwhile, we're off to listen to some decent speedpunk to calm ourselves down...