Winston Reid: The Ian Curtis Connection Revealed!

The premature end to the Hammers Premiership season has provided an ideal opportunity for VERYWESTHAM's senior crime reporter to make a flash visit to war-torn New Zealand, also known as the home to Hammers defensive star and All Whites captain, Winston Reid. Whilst passing through one of Wellington's edgy urbs, our reporter encountered a stunning street-art tribute to New Zealand's finest Hammer.

Located on Wallace Street, the mural is one of Wellington's many examples of stunning graffiti art that has emerged by virtue of a thriving but much under fire scene. Not far from the Reid tribute is perhaps the World's most infamous Joy Division mural - one that has had many incarnations over the years as part of a dispute between the artist and the fascists down at Wellington city council, but which is present in all it's glory at the present time and serving as a reminder of perhaps indie music's greatest icon - the tragic Ian Curtis.

Meanwhile, attention is increasingly focused upon Reid footballing future as a host of clubs are queueing up to try and prise his services from the East End club. However, Messers Gold and Sullivan are said to be determined to keep the Kiwi star as they prepare for life at the Olympic Stadium, and have devised a cunning and failsafe means of holding on to his services. 

 

 

Gerrard allegations place West Ham at centre of intergalactic conspiracy

Allardyce meets his real boss

West Ham fans were shocked to their very foundations yesterday as Liverpool Captain Steven Gerrard accused the normally inoffensive East London club of being at the forefront of an intergalactic conspiracy to prevent Liverpool winning the Premiership title. After a match in which a misfiring Liverpool side were gifted a whopping two penalties - both highly controversial, he was left unhappy with a number of important aspects of the fixture.

Firstly, he fired off a torpedo in the form of the accusation that West Ham had manipulated the climate to ensure that the weather on the day be relatively warm - in a deliberate effort to discommode the Liverpudlians who hail from a naturally cooler and more rain-inclined climate. Even worse, the Hammers had arranged for literally thousands of East enders to amalgamate behind one of the goals and express totally biased support for the London side

 

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The abuse continued thoughout the match, with Hammers players unashamedly trying to stop Liverpool playing their preferred game. At one point, Pablo Armero thrust out a foot to prevent little Luis Suarez from getting past him. And Andy Carroll's "punch"on Liverpool 'keeper Mignolet is a prime example of the sort of violence that discourages mothers from allowing their children to play football for fear of terrible injury. Moreover, he even claimed that some players failed to disconnect their elbows before going on to the pitch, thus leaving the charismatic Liverpool defence at risk of robust physical contact!

However, the veteran aged person perhaps went a little too far in claimimg that he had been forced along with his team-mates to walk a full mile to get to the stadium. Luckily, the grim determinedness of Gerrard and his teammates prevailed as managed to sneak a win despite failing to convince with their ‘boutique’ footie.

Sadly, the conspiracy seems likely to continue unabated as they prepare to face a Man City side who are also likely to have the audacity to try and win the fixture rather than roll over and allow the Reds to take their natural right.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

From 'Quenelle' to Demelle': Guy in for goal of the season

Cheeky or what???

West Ham fans have had to be patient for a long time, but ultimately it was worth the wait as Guy Demel's maiden Hammers strike was an absolute stunner and a half! A full two yards out, the swashbuckling Ivorian deftly flicked the awkwardly bouncing ball in a Rooney-esque like half volley into the Liverpool net to send a shocked Upton Park into absolute delirium, with a dash of ecstacy and two sprinkles of mayhem!

And then, finally, the moment that we have all been waiting for. After months of intense speculation, the Demel goal celebration was finally revealed to the eager World Soccer press. In what was obviously a carefully choreographed routine, Guy (pronounced 'Gee') raised a proud arm aloft and turned to the Hammers faithful with a look of cheeky defiance that will remain in the mind's eye of Hammers fan's for years to come.

The Upton Park arena has seen some controversial moments in recent times, but after this we will remember 2013-14 as the year of "The Quenelle followed by the Demelle" as the sorry scenes of Anelka's nonsense in December were almost entirely erased by the triumphant spectacle of 'the Demelle'. Moreover, the celebration will confirm that earlier pictures of Demel doing a Jimi Hendrix-style back flip are almost certainly photoshop fakes.

However, there was less positive news for Paddy Poormakers bookmakers as the intense betting over recent weeks upon the nature of the likely celebration will probably bankrupt the betting group. Astute Hammers fans noted after the disallowed Sunderland goal earlier in the season that in those microseconds between the ball crossing the line and the refree spoilling the moment with his whistle, Guy seemed to move his arms skywards - thus giving fans a precious clue as to the likely content of the full celebration.

An impression of how Downing's celebration might look

Attention will now move to Stewart Downing, who has yet to break his duck for the Hammers. Expert posture analysts ahve teamed up with top psychobabbleologists to create a scoring profile for Downing and have hinted at a probable sideways flip with triple-turn swivel movement as the most likely celebration routine for the flamboyant Hammers winger.

 

Quenelle outrage marrs Liverpool clash as referee is intimidated by football fascists

 

We are just showing support for a French comedian, Honestly

Fears were expressed as to the integrity of the world wide web today as the internet almost imploded with the explosion of outrage and vitriol that followed Guy Demel's maiden goal for West Ham at Upton Park. In the worst outbreak of Whinitis in years, Liverpool fans vented their fury by blocking up the internet with self righteous outpourings that reminded us all how we have enjoyed their wilderness years. However, sadly for West Ham, the pressure proved too much for Referee Taylor who, as shown in this shot, was subjected to a barrage of fascist abuse from the whinging visitors, and ultimately succumbed to the pressure in awarding Pool a ridiculous second penalty that ultimately was enough to keep Liverpool's slim title chances alive.

UnbelievaBUBBLE!!!

In a carefully worded statement, Hammers press corpse revealed "We condemn all fascists, especially those with squeeky accents, as well as anybody who shows support for their unacceptable and distasteful rantings, especially match referees".

G-String: Nil pointes (btw - what is Glen Johnson so pleased about?)

In bad news for Liverpool fans, the only trophy that they are really likely to win this season was placed in serious jeopardy as Stevie G's celebration after his second penalty seriously dented his challenge with Nicolas Anelka for most dour player of the year. However, he is expected to make a late surge with miserable bonus points when Man City inevitably  pip Pool for the Premiership.
 

The West Pool XI: Those who served as both Reds and Hammers

Sunday 6^th April brings together West Ham and Liverpool for an intriguing battle where former Liverpool favourites Andy Carroll and Stewart Downing will square up against ex-Hammer, Glen Johnson. With Liverpool on a run of eight straight victories, and West ham having won 4 of their last 5 home games, a major collision is predicted.

Recent years has seen considerable transfer activity between these two clubs such that a team composed of stars who have played for both clubs makes up an impressive  ‘West Pool XI’.  Dave Hammer and Walter Scouser give their verdict on how well these players performed during their spells at each club.  

	Dave Hammer says:	Walter Scouser says
	Hilarious character. Very talented keeper and all round fun guy. He almost single-handedly kept the Hammers afloat during the relegation season of 2003 but stayed faithful to the cause for a season in the Championship until Man City came a calling. Verdict 8/10	The only goalkeeper to have played for both clubs and one of the most talented of his generation, ‘Calamity’ never realised his potential. Career highlight? Had to be ‘that suit’ at the 1996 FA Cup Final. Verdict: 6/10
	Drafted into a sinking ship as a mere 17 year old he showed remarkable maturity but Uncle Trev’s heroes couldn’t dodge relegation and Chelsea pounced. His subsequent career has never quite realised that early potential but he was excellent for the Hammers. 8/10.	The arrival of Brendan Rodgers has finally got Glen playing like he did at West Ham. Rob Jones, whose single appearance for the Hammers in the 1999 Intertoto Cup, made him eligible for selection, almost gets the nod at right back, though. Verdict 7/10
	Had a decent two year spell at Upton Park helping us to a European placing in 1998. Always pushing the limits, Naughty Neil picked up more than his fair share of bookings usually for hauling back opposition forwards as his declining pace became a millstone. Verdict 7/10.	Provided much needed steel to Liverpool’s defence when signed from Spurs in 1993 for £2.5million. Didn’t survive long after the arrival of Gerard Houllier in 1998 and was transferred to West Ham for £300,000. Verdict 6/10
	Signed for £2.5m from Liverpool to replace Rio Ferdinand in 2000. Did not live up to expectations. Verdict 4/10	Performed reasonably well for the Reds but mainly as a right back. Never quite matched his International success and slipped off the selection radar before being released to West Ham. Verdict 5/10.
	Absolute legend. 100% uncompromising and committed. His skilfulness was often underestimated by opponents, including a deadly left foot. Amazingly for a defender, he averaged a goal every five games over a 262 game Hammers career! Verdict 10/10.	An uncompromising left back who came to Liverpool in a swap deal involving David Burrows and Mike Marsh. Why? Verdict 3/10
	Although he upset Hammers faithful during a messy departure,  he was a top performer whilst at the club. Ironically his greatest performance was probably vs Liverpool in a 4-1 League cup mauling where he scored all 4 Hammers goals. Verdict 8/10.	The ultimate box to box player. Came to Liverpool after a successful career with West Ham, Manchester United and Inter Milan. Like Neil Ruddock, was one of the infamous team of Spice Boys who did not survive the arrival of Gerard Houllier. Verdict 6/10
	One half of the crazy signing that ultimately cost the Hammers much financial heartache. Appeared lost and strangely out of his depth during his spell in East London and seemed relieved to escape to Liverpool. Verdict 4/10.	Signed from West Ham in 2008 and dubbed a ‘monster of a player’ by Rafa Benitez. Two seasons that established him as one of Europe’s finest central midfielders were to follow before a £24 million transfer to Barcelona. Left a gap in midfield which Raul Meireles struggled to fill. Verdict 9/10
	All round likeable guy, young Joey was a thrilling prospect who delivered lots of eye catching trickery but without major product whilst at West Ham. Another for whom circumstances conspired to force a premature exit but fondly remembered at Upton Park and has looked excellent in patches since his return. Verdict 7/10	Though arrived to the club as Roy Hodgson's first signing, has failed to deliver the form he showed for Chelsea. A lengthy loan spell with Lille, his recent Europa Cup performance against Young Boys suggests he may be another who will benefit from the Brendan Rogers system. Verdict 3/10
	Classy midfielder who performed with gusto during his two periods with the Hammers before moving to the Hammers retirement squad at Harry Redknapp's current QPR. Clever and with a good eye for breaking through defences, Yossi always kept the opposition on their toes! Verdict 7/10.	Moved to Liverpool from West Ham in somewhat, ahem, controversial circumstances in 2007. Was starting to really develop as a player until transferred to Chelsea in 2009. Known to pub quiz afficionados as ‘the only player to score Premiership, Champion’s League and FA Cup hat tricks ‘. Verdict 8/10
	An ‘interesting’ character – moody and unforgiving of underperforming colleagues but a real gamechanger with his pace and finishing. Hammers career blighted by injury and  petered out as we came off the rails (again) allowing him to go to Man City for £14million. Verdict 6/10	Joined Liverpool in 2006 and after one moderately successful season (involving an alleged incident with a putter), became West Ham United’s record signing in a £7.5 million  transfer. Returned to Anfield for another season in 2011, which saw him partner well with Andy Carroll. Verdict 6/10
	A game changer who makes the Hammers a difficult team to play against due to his superb physicality and aerial presence. His return from injury has corresponded with the Hammers pushing away from the relegation zone. Two goals and one assist in his last three games, and looking to force his way into the England squad for the World cup, the stage is set.....Verdict 8/10	With Nando Torres on his way to Chelsea for £50 million, Andy Carroll’s £35 million transfer from Newcastle made him the most expensive British footballer of all time (hard to believe Luis Suarez cost ‘only’ £23 million on the same day). Will look to get revenge on Rodgers for letting him go. Hmmm. Verdict 7/10
Total	77/110	66/110

 Substitutes: Stewart Downing, Paul Konchesky, David Burrows, Don Hutchison, Robbie Keane, Titi Camara.

So, with the exception of Javier Mascherano, there is a clear pattern of players performing better whilst at the supportive and homely atmosphere at West Ham compared to the pressure of expectation at Liverpool.  Maybe more underperformers at Anfield should head south to realise their true potential?

COYI!!!

Four Ways that West Ham Can Stifle the Suarez Threat

'POP' goes the weasel

As West Ham prepare for the visit of high-flying Liverpool, with all eyes on free-scoring Luis Suarez and his similarly prolific sidekick, Daniel Sturridge, we wonder how Big Sam's men will cope with the attacking threat of the Reds? Suarez currently has 29 Premiership goals this season, and has broken all Liverpool Scoring records. Even more impressive, he has managed to pip the Pop (Robson) record of 28 goals in 1972-3 and Geoff Hurst record of 29 goals in 1966-7 that Hammers fans remain so proud of.

Hursty celebrates - Back in the days when footballers drank alcohol

All week the International sporting press have been parked outside Chadwell Heath in an attempt to get a glimpse of Big Sam's cunning master plan to foil the swashbuckling Liverpool forwards. And the Hammers have not failed to surprise, amuse and even shock the gathered paparazzi with the fiendishly clever plan that will surely undo the little man in his efforts to give the Scousers just a little less to whinge about.

Amongst the medley of cunning strategies that Big Sam has devised are:

Ay! Av you seen Stevie G anywhere out there  mate?

1. Let the grass grow so as to prevent the diminutive striker being able to see either the ball or his colleagues. Rumours are that Big Sam cancelled all mowing of the Upton Park turf after the Hull City 'Tigers' match to allow for the 9cm growth that should dwarf the little Uruguayan. It will thus be impossible for Stevie G to steal a march on the East enders with his trademark floated passes for Suarez to run on to. On the down side, the long grass tactic will almost certainly rule 'little' Joe Allen out of the starting line up, which would likely be a bonus for Liverpool.

Hammers tastily designed new strip

2. Release a special new third kit for the match. In a shock move, that could also generate much needed funds for the Summer transfer window, messers Gold n Sully have used their contacts in the clothing industry to rush through a new kit that seizes upon the meaty pun provided by the 'ham' in the Hammers name. As a consequence, the lads will be adorned in a HAM-burger jersey as modelled by the dishy James Tomkins - who incidentally, is likely to be the Hammer served with trying to keep up with the gnat-like Scouse striking sensation! Suarez, who has an indefatigable hunger for goals that is only matched by his taste for human flesh, is likely to find the deliciously designed new kit absolutely irresistible!

welcome to your appointment Mr Suarez

3. Big Sam has also hired the help of East London's finest dentists in an attempt to terrify the little Uruguayan player. It has long been rumoured that Suarez has a fear of dental procedures that borders on his phobia for staying on his feet when in the penalty box. The astute Allardyce plans to put this to the test by placing a team of dental technicians behind the Hammers goal - armed with drills and other similarly terrifying implements to dissuade the Liverpool striker from coming too close to the Hammers goal. Unfortunately, this tactic will not provide protection against the propensity for 25 yard screamers that Suarez also possesses!

How's aboot Ye wee mon?

4. Provoke Suarez into a name-calling competition. The Uruguayan has previously attempted to excuse 'inappropriate' comments to opposition forwards by claiming cultural and language differences. However, the current Hammers side includes a defence that has players who are fluent in Spanish, French, Welsh, Kiwi, Norn Ironish, and Essex English. As such, it is well armed to translate any insults that the loquacious Liverpudlian might fling in their direction and can report any such transgressions to the teacher...er sorry, referee (most of them are ex-Coppers or school headmasters living the dream!).

Eagle-eyed Deano responds to media criticism

5. Prevail upon the FA to have Mike Dean installed as match referee. Rumoured to be a distant cousin of ex-Hammers legend Dean Ashton, 'Deano the Meano' as he is now known by some childish sections of the Hull City fan base, has recently demonstrated an capacity to swing matches in the Hammers favour with extremely 'generous' decisions towards the home side. After the harsh treatment West ham received during their drubbing at Anfield earlier this season, one senses that it's pay-back time. An early sending off of Stevie G for 'skulking' or of Glen Johnson for 'not paying attention in class' would be an ideal base from which the Hammers could launch a glorious 0-0 draw!



0-0, Oh That's simply gorgeous!

Greetings i Aotearoa ki te hama pā!

Nau mai ki whakamiharo Aotearoa, te kāinga o waenganui hoki hama whetu a Aotearoa rangatira rōpū motu Winston Reid. Ka riro mai te Hammer o te tau te wa whakamutunga, ara i muri i te wā o te ngaro tika ki te whara, e noho ana e ia to tatou tino rapu i muri whetu. Heoi, ki te nekehanga taiwhanga hākinakina Olympic tata, ka ina, ka titiro rangatira Te Hau-ā-uru ki te whakamahi i Hama Reid hei wähanga matua o te taha te tūmanako ka e arata'i ia tatou ki te kororia Pākehā rite tupu tatou, ka tupu.

Te tūmanako a te reira anake te mea o te wa i mua i tabularaa i tatou i te hoê i mua wa-haerenga friendly ki Aotearoa!

Ranei ara, hoki inaianei te tangata nui huakina - ka e totohu tatou Monteiths he torutoru ales pouri ki te whakanui i tou kairangi tonu!