Lampard to release childish stories

Little did the mentors down at the Boleyn know it at the time, but the ‘token’ educational sessions provided at the academy for Frank ‘destined to be a major star’ Lampard would reap the benefits of a top publishing deal and join the long list of footie literary heavyweights. It was recently revealed how Lampard plans to release a series of childish stories about football that parents can use to induce sleep in their kids at bedtime. Sources have revealed that the stories are really insomnia inducing – up there with counting sheep and the like.

ZZZ...Lamps saves the day again...

Loosely based upon his own experiences as a top flight professional footballer, readers who will be hoping to get some insight into the saucy goings on in the Chelski dressing room will be disappointed as the stories are more than loosely based upon the well tested Roy Race / Fulchester Rovers theme with’our’ Frank starring as the hero. The majority involve a storyline where our hero is unable to make the start of a crucial Chumpions League tie due to flight delays / military coups in one of the many African countries where he is involved in important charity work, but amazingly, gets back just in time to score a double hat-trick and save the day, deblah blah…

Meanwhile, Irish soccer pundit, Eamonn Dunphy, who penned possibly the greatest football book of all time “Only a game?”, has lashed out at the project as a pointless waste of time, even for a washed up has-been before using the whole debacle as yet another example of the seemingly boundless narcissism of our football ‘stars’.

However, in a surprising twist, Lamplard has revealed the plot of one of his stories is about how a spoiled brat who having been given all the breaks turns against his formative club for the bright lights, forgetting those who helped him during his crucial early years and even vowing to score a goal to relegate his formerclub!!!. The story takes a predictable turn when the jumped up little spoilt brat gets dumped by his new ‘friends’ who refuse to give him a new contract and he is left to wander in the wilderness and to reflect upon themes of decency and loyalty.

                                                             Next to face Chelski betrayal?

Other rumours suggest that Lampard may embrace a range of new roles when he finally deems to quit top flight football including as a peace negotiator in war torn zones such as Somalia and Newham, as well as an astronaut in a planned mission to Uranus. It seems for polymathic Frank that the options are infinetessimal…