Monday 27 August 2012

Pedantic antics erase Welsh farce

In extraordinary overnight developments, it has emerged that West Ham are poised to appeal the result of Saturday’s unfortunate 3-0 defeat at the hands of Swansea. In the immediate aftermath of the match, the Hammers legal team have identified a litany of administrative irregularities that the FA must now address. Janet Pilkington-Dudsbury-Pilkington, Professor of Pedantics at the University of East London, is said to have identified at least three spelling mistakes and five grammatical errors in referee Martin Atkinson’s match report.
The incompetent officials brought still further scorn and embarrassment for the FA when the referee blew for full time after a mere 77 seconds even though the fourth official signalled for at least 3 minutes of additional time. Not surprisingly, the West Ham management team have complained that these additional 65 seconds could have been crucial to the Hammers' brave fightback and provided an opportunity to at least snatch a draw.

Hammers first team squad arrives at the Liberty Stadium for Saturday's match

The footballing hell that is Bramall lane

The Hammers have become increasingly sensitive to legal issues in the modern game after famously falling foul of jurisprudence during the Tevezgate scandal, when improper documentation around player registration cost them a whopping £25 million in damages (as well as a further £36 million in legal fees). “ At the time we thought that it was just a minor technical infringement but without Carlos we could never have achieved the triumphant 3-0 defeat at Bramall Lane that condemned the Blades to the lower divisions for all eternity”. 
Meanwhile, Big Sam’s squad are said to have embraced a new literary ethos at the club and have formed a poetry appreciation society to complement the longstanding weekly book club that dates back to former Boss Harry Redknapp’s reign. Literacy is top of the football agenda again after the FA announced a crackdown on poor spelling by players. “We will impose severe fines on any players who bring the game into disrepute by using social networking sites to promote lazy grammar or sloppy spelling”.
One of the West Ham team relaxing during Saturday's half time interval

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