On the eve of West Ham’s first
International fixture of the season, a mouth watering top of the table clash
with Swansea, renowned sports psychologist Dr Mark Clichedbore has revealed how
he sat down with Big Sam at the start of the Summer and hatched out the perfect
plan to achieve our goal of premiership survival this season. “It’s deliciously
simple stuff - if the Hammers can manage to avoid conceding any goals all
season then they only need one opposition team to score a single own goal in
order to achieve the 40 points that should guarantee Premiership survival”. Top
maths boffins have confirmed that this is in fact totally and absolutely correct. As a
consequence, Big Sam has trawled far and wide for supersized-uberflexy players
who can obscure entry to our goal and prevent incursions by opposing teams.
An artist’s impression of how the goal-blocking tactic might work |
Waif-like Nolan before the Summer recess
Dr Clichedbore emphasised
that supporters who want to see a return to the so-called West ham 'way' of free flowing atistic footie are simply being
unrealistic – ‘it’s all about putting points on the board, the football can come
later’. He also labelled midfield maestro Mark Noble a potential liability due
to his creative playmaking activities. “Mark has simply got to grow up and stop
flouncing about midfield. First season back it’s all about survival - by any
means necessary”.
Noble: milking it, as usual! |
He was delighted with the demolition of
Aston Villa as this means that with 3 points in the bag from a single game the
team can focus on making sure they don’t concede a goal. “Big Sam felt that we
could do a job on Villa and the filleting they received on Saturday certainly
justified his risky decision to allow some members of the team to attack the
Villa goal”. Meanwhile, Villa boss Paul Lambert, speaking through an
interpreter, has hit out angrily at suggestions that Darren Bent is employed on an
innovative £20,000 per touch of the ball contract. “People are saying that
Darren didn’t touch the ball in the second half against West ham but it bounced
off his thigh twice and that must surely count for something?”.
The Villa
manager shares a joke with his interpreter
Experts expect Swansea to try to close up
shop for tomorrow’s clash. Having watched videos of their close neighbours at
Cardiff City being eviscerated by the Hammers during their last foreign trip to Wales,
manager Brian Laudrup, without the aid of an interpreter, indicated that he
plans to adopt a conservative formation in order to try and quell the
swashbuckling East Londoners.
Big Sam prepares for
the foreign trip
Meanwhile, travel experts are predicting
chaos in the skies as Hammers fans invade International airports trying to find
ways to get to the fixture. “I don’t care if I have to go via Ulaan Baatar, I
am going to be there” said long-time Hammer, Tony Browntree.
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