The True Cost of Your Ropey League Hits Home

The picture says it all. Already stretched in terms of attacking options, the last player that Boss Slaven Bilic would have wanted to pick up an injury would have been Enner Valencia. Having just scored the comeback goal that Hammers fans expected to be the start of a scoring spree, he twisted awkwardly and now looks crocked for six months or more according to leaked reports after his scan today.

 As a result, the first of the VERYWESTHAM predictions for the coming season (i.e. that Valencia's second season would be terrific and prolific) has gone into the dustbin. The prediction that we would finish fifth in the Premiership also looks a little ambitious now!

However, perhaps this incident is what's needed to re-energise our efforts to find a new striker (or two?). Chaz Austin is still very much available and as the transfer deadline approaches the game of poker around the transfer fee and his  personal terms should come to a conclusion. The absence of competition for a starting place will also surely make the Hammers an attractive club for a player on the verge of the England set up, and then there's the King's Landing London versus Winterfellish Noocassell issue in terms of lifestyle.....Case closed!

A proven Premiership goalscorer who is relatively lucky regarding injuries.....the £15 million signing on fee would bring our Premiership predictions back to life and is surely a small price to pay for the honour of competing in one of Europe's leading football competitions.  

 

Hammers Find Solution to Red Card Problem with Freudian Slip

Fortune's always hiding....Indeed. 2-0 up and cruising, one fan captured the mood with a tweet that we should push on for 3-0 and finish the tie as a competition....DOH!!! Thirty minutes later our European 'dream' was in tatters as reduced to ten men by yet another twitchy Your Ropey League referee, we conceded two goals and will travel to Southern Romania needing to win in order to progress!

To add to the misery, Enner Valencia picked up a serious injury and then our manager decided to join his troops in the suspension block by getting himself sent to the stands. Big Sam may have been boring, but there can be no doubting that we lack discipline since his departure, having already picked up three red cards this season. Pretty ironic for the 'fair play' champions!

This morning, Hammers fans woke up to the reality that our European adventure has been seriously derailed, with Bilic indicating that he considers the Arsenal game higher priority than the second leg. As such, the kids really will get an opportunity to show what they are made of as we can expect Payet, Noble, Sakho, Kouyate, Cresswell et al to be rested for what will be a massive task against Astra next week.

In a show of allegiance with the team, the official club website also suffered a malfunction this morning, referring to our new sponsors as 'Betwat'!!! In what is a classic example of Freudian slippage, it's hard not to agree that some of our players are behaving like ill disciplined twits.

At VERYWESTHAM we consulted with our top sports psychobabbleologist, Dr Hansi Von Hoggslicer, who has come up with an ingenious solution to our red card problem. he has designed a special shirt to be worn for the duration of any disciplinary ban by players who receive a red card.

 

Dobson's Choice is no Morton's Fork!

George can start wearing his favourite scarf in public again!

The football community raised an eyebrow yesterday as top Arsenal prospect George Dobson abandoned the Gooners for their London rivals over at West Ham. Dobson was captain of the Arsenal under 18 side last season and his defection to East London serves as further evidence that the lack of oppportunity at the Gooners is inhibiting the growth of young talent.

Just like with the Carl Jenkinson situation, Arsenal's loss will be very much West Ham's gain as the energetic central defender come holding midfielder looks set to join an exciting group of youth prospects in the Hammers development squad. Any mystery around Dobson's choice was cleared up today as he revealed on twitter the Hobson's choice that he faced given the opportunity to switch allegiance to his boyhood club..."delighted to have signed for the team that i have supported all my life"

With Dobson expected to become a major force in the next few years, his decision is certainly no Morton's fork! 

Hammers make Guinness Book of Records attempt on another night to forget for Rudi Van Maigaswinkel!



West Ham attempt to enter the Guinness Book of Records for most simultaneous substitutions

Hammer’s fans were reminded this evening how precious confidence is to that footballing creature commonly known as 'the striker'. Picture the scene, half way through the first half of a lively tussle…”Maiga, it’s a wonderful turn, he prepares to shoot……..ooogh it seemed to bobble up just as he was going to hit it”. Familiar story for the down on his luck forward who has been forced by financial circumstance (i.e. he was given a long and lucrative contract!) to return from his loan period at Metz to the Boleyn for another dose of despair. 

With just 5 goals in 31 games, Maiga’s record is relatively unimpressive (but statistically better than that of Enner Valencia who has only 4 in 32 games!), although many Hammers fans would say that it has been the quality of his all round play that has really disappointed. Spare a thought for similarly afflicted Rudi Van Wolfswinkel who has returned to Norwich after a loan spell at St Etienne to try to enhance his appauling strike rate of a single goal in 25 previous apearances for the Canaries. By far and away the best opportunity in the first half of tonight’s friendly was when the Dutch forward beat the offside trap to find himself one on one with Adrian. You can guess what happened next!

Both Maiga and Van Wolfswinkel need to get away and start afresh but the salary craziness of the Premiership is such that both are trapped as high earning flops until their respective contracts expire.
 

In the end the misfiring forwards were outdone by defensive starlet Harry Toffolo who managed to deflect a West Ham corner into his own net as the Hammers emerged as 1-0 victors.

In other news, how nice to see ex-Hammers Gaz O’Neil (midfield) and Dean Ashton (goals) plying their trade with the Canaries these days!

Kids Don't Cut the Mustard in Colman's Country

Tonight's friendly with Norwich is being shown by Mustard TV. Coming just 2 days before the crucial Europa League home leg with FC Astra, we expected a makeshift development squad full of youngsters but NO, the Hammers are starting with a relatively experienced eleven.

The team gives some important clues as to Bilic's favourites, especially after David Gold's promise to field our strongest eleven available versus the Romanian's on Thursday.

With Kevin Nolan, Matt Jarvis and Morgan Amalfitano starting tonight, we can assume they won't be mainstays in Thursday's starting side. The bench is also strong and may provide some warm up time for players looking to return to action on Thursday such as Enner Valencia and Carl Jenkinson.

Adrian, Burke, Tomkins, Henry, Page, Nolan, Amalfitano, Poyet, Maiga, Jarvis, Sakho.

Bench: Spiegel, Noble, Ogbonna, Valencia, Cresswell, Jenkinson, Oxford, Payet, Kouyate.

BTW for those who have never taken the time to read the label, the home of Colman's, the makers of the finest English mustard is.....Norwich!

Bilic Faces Selection Headache for Astra Clash

As West ham prepare for the first leg in their third round Europa League qualifier on Thursday, chairman David Gold has given an assurance on twitter that the Hammers will field their strongest side.

However, due to a combination of injuries and suspensions this still makes for a patched up team. Their opponents, Romanian side FC Astra have looked solid to date with their away performance against Inverness Caley Thistle serving as ample warning that they will be no pushovers as they not only emerged 1-0 winners, but also dominated play for long periods.

One area of contention in the Hammers line up will be at centre back where Winston Reid is doubtful and James Tomkins banned. James Collins is having an unconvincing preseason while newbie Victor Ogbonna has looked a bit uncertain in his new surroundings.

In midfield, we can expect Noble and Kouyate in the holding roles, with Diego Poyet available as a replacement should either struggle.
Matt Jarvis has looked sharpish so far and may retain the left-sided position with Dimitri Payet behind the striker. The right-sided midfield and striker positions look most uncertain and will test Bilic's creativity. Any of Valencia, Amalfitano, Lanzini, Zarate and even misfit Modi Maiga might be slotted in? as there are no obvious frontrunners for either role. The Hammers will be looking to build a decent cushion in order to avoid the histrionics of the last round where they scraped through on penalties against Maltese minnows FC Birkirarara!

We predict the following 4-2-3-1 starting line up:

                          Adrian

O'Brien  Ogbonna  Collins   Cresswell

                 Kouyate   Noble

Amalfitano                             Jarvis

                          Payet

                        Valencia


COYI!!!

Narky Nolan Edges towards the Exit

Since his arrival four years ago, Hammers fans have enjoyed a strange relationship with Kevin Nolan. Even the begrudgers would have to admit that as Allardyce's captain and on the pitch general he was a vital element in our promotion and initial bedding in as a Premiership club. However, Nolan's inherent style is based upon aggressive route one football where he imposes his presence by slotting knock downs and other 'scraps' - an approach that is decidedly different from the fabled West Ham way.

With the departure of big Sam it has seemed inevitable that Nolan would soon follow. However, with Allardyce enjoying a well earned break from the game, there is no natural destination for Nolan. His 'first' club Bolton Wanderers apparently expressed an interest, but were scared off by his wage levels. So far, an alternate suitor has not emerged. With just one goal in 29 appearances last season, many feel that his 33 year old legs are gone. Without the goals, Nolan has little to offer apart from leadership as his levels of mobility and passsing ability are not major strengths - shortcomins that have become an obsession amongst some sections of the faithful who have become embarrassingly vocal in their dissatisfaction with 'SuperKev'.

Watching his performances in the Europa league against modest opposition does not convince one that a drop down to Championship level will allow him to be a force once again. Moreover, with the new 4-2-3-1 formation favoured by Slaven Bilic, it's hard to see any role for Nolan at West ham. With a midfield that is likely to be drawn from Payet, Noble, Kouyate, Obiang, Lanzini, Amalfitano, with a host of exciting kids also looking for action (Poyet, Cullen, Oxford) there's no obvious role for our former captain.

Nolan has indicated that he wants to leave if he cannot get game time which, given the situation outlined above, is essentially a transfer request. Let's hope that the club can progress this tidily - Nolan HAS been a valuable servant over four crucial years but time is merciless and our perceived needs have changed. The Davids managed Sam's departure with considerable grace, let's manage the Nolan situation similarly.

Maybe the club needs to consider subsidising his wages elsewhere for the remaining year of his contract as his strong character could become a liability if he becomes idle in the squad. It would be a pity if what is essentially a very positive story of his time at the club were to end badly. We are bigger than that and he has been a good servant.

Kev: Job well done, but done now.