Dolan, Hartson, Tombides: we salute you.

 

Only rarely at VERYWESTHAM are we left without something sarcastic or zany to say in response to footballing events but on occasion humour cannot provide a tonic for genuine tragedy. As the footballing community comes to terms with the untimely death of 20 year old West Ham player Dylan Tombides after a 30 month battle with testicular cancer, we reflect upon a condition that has doubled in frequency over recent years and that has visited a number of high profile Hammers, including survivors John Hartson and Eamon Dolan (diagnosed in 2009 and 1993, respectively).

For all men, regular self-examination is crucial to beating this condition – here are five key facts to consider:

ʘ Each year in the UK just over 2,000 men are diagnosed with testicular cancer. It is the most common type of cancer in men between the ages of 15 and 44 and the rate has doubled over the last 30 years.

ʘ The most common symptom of testicular cancer is a lump or swelling in one of the testicles. This is typically about the size of a pea, but may be larger. Less than 5% of testicular lumps are cancerous, but a lump should always be investigated – go to your GP asap!

ʘ The best way to combat testicular cancer is for all men to self-examine their testicles at least monthly – during or after a shower is an ideal time.

ʘ Examine each testicle with both hands. Place the index and middle fingers under the testicle with the thumbs placed on top. Roll the testicle gently between the thumbs and fingers. It’s normal for one testicle to be slightly larger than the other. Also, the epididymis is a soft tube behind the testicle that collects and carries sperm - if you are practiced at self-examination, this shouldn’t be mistaken for a lump.

Probably best done in private

ʘ And remember, even if you do find something sinister, testicular cancer is one of the most treatable types of cancer. Over 95% of men with early stage testicular cancer will be completely cured. Even cases where the cancer has spread outside the testicles to nearby tissue have an 80% chance of being cured.


 

Tomkins in a Pickle as Methambenzadrine-spiking Theory Revealed

Some Rozzers beating up a guy who has a vague resemblance to Tomka

Hammers hero James Tomkins had to endure the incompetence of crown prosecution earlier this week as his trial for 'getting drunk and acting the tool after losing to Man United' - a crime that most Hammers fans will have a more than passing awareness of - was postponed because the relevant video footage of the incident could not be located!!!

The case could become the most embarrassing boob since the Jules Rimet World cup trophy went missing three months before the 1966 finals. After the rozzers bungled a ransom pay off, the nation had to rely on 'Pickles' a four year old dog to recover the trophy whilst on his morning walkabout.

Pickles in action

On that occasion, the hiatus between the theft and recovery of the trophy allowed for a string of crank theories to emerge as to what had happened - including One man who wrote to Scotland Yard to inform them that his clock had told him the trophy was in Wicklow, Ireland, while Adolf Hieke sent a photograph from a German newspaper with a carefully placed 'X' on the man he believed to be guilty of the theft.

We can surely expect a host of similar crackpot explanations of the Tomkins case - Peter Windybottom, a longtime Hammers observer was quick to reveal that the word on the street isthat Tomkin's drink was almost definitely "spiked with crystal methambenzadrine", while top psychobabbleologists have claimed that he may have multiple personality disorder and was "temporarily possessed by the tiny mind of a Chelsea fan with the consequent mindless foolishness".

Meanwhile, back in the splendour of Basildon District Court, after much huffing and puffing and harumping, it emerged that the file had been relocated - but not in time for the case to proceed on the day. Instead of striking out the charges and warning Tomkins to BEHAVE in the future (and put some of his endless dosh into the poor box), the case was postponed and will require another day away from the training ground.

All of this is particularly foolish given that every curious football fan in the country has seen footage of the incident that was posted within hours by a passer by who filmed the whole messy business on his phone-camera. Ironically, the distraction has done little to upset the star defender's form as he has been playing excellently since Christmas.

Robert Z may be planning a reworking of Hurricane

It appears that Tomkins hopes to argue that he was the victim of an assault. Hmmm - surely he's had long enough to sober up enough to realise that such stances rarely work and that it's usually better to take one's medicine and move on to bigger and better things (like developing the most impregnable Hammers defence of all time at the Olympic Stadium).

There's also another important lesson here - prevention is better than cure: STOP LOSING TO MAN UNITED!!!

 

Dylan Tombides 1994-2014: RIP

Happy times with Seb Lletget

With terrible sadness we note the death of Dylan Tombides at just 20 years of age.

When all is said and done, football is just a game we share in the journey of life.

Agony, ecstacy, heartbreak and jubilation but most importantly, we do it all together. So sorry we have to let you go all too soon.

So long young man, you will be forever in our thoughts as part of the team that plays in our dreams.

Rest in Peace.

Hammers to Appeal Arsenal Result

In a far from conventional development, West ham are said to be preparing an appeal against Tuesday night's result at the Emirates when they lost 3-1 to Arsenal. In a move that highlights the increasing pattern for Football clubs to influence the game via a variety of off-field antics, the East London outfit have decided to appeal the result on the grounds that it is simply too boring!

A spokesperson close to the Boleyn revealed "After careful consideration, we have decided that the match result was just all too predictable, with an out of sorts Arsenal rediscovering their scoring instincts after going one behind to a hammers side that made up for any lack of invention with lots of muscle and effort....de blah blah blah......".

Meanwhile, a host of groups have rowed in behind the West Ham campaign. Norbert Pedanticpantalons, Acting President of the 'Justice for the soccer victims of Alien Abduction' Association, suggested that foul play may underpin the cliched events of Tuesday night- " Everybody could see what's going on - it was a clear case of match fixing - even worse than the West Ham-Everton 'games' where West Ham inevitably come out the worng side of a close encounter with the bookies cleaning up". 

 

Like a bat outta hell....

Big Sam Allardyce was unavailable for comment but in either case it is unlikley that he will have much to contribute to the debate as he was not personally present at the game, but rather, sent a chemically modified clone in his place as he is too busy scouting for new players for next season as his work for Premiership season 2013-14 is already complete.

Meanwhile, Arsene Wenger will be pleased that his strikers are scoring late on the evening of a match rather than late the evening before a match, as has recently been reported in some sections of the media who have nothing better to do than stalk second string Premiership players.



 

Arsenal Thrown into Disarray by Wenger Revelations!

After many months of speculation, it was finally revealed today that Arsenal's erudite 'French' manager, generally known as Arsene Wenger, is in fact Bob Waddlesworth, a junior banking official from Slough!!! Amazingly, Bob, who has maintained this remarkable subterfuge for more than a decade, cannot speak French and previously knew nothing about football! In a surprise press announcement he explained to stunned reporters how it all started with an innocent joke using a Franglais accent that quickly progressed to an unhealthy addiction to the hilarious 80s comedy ‘Allo Allo’ before spiralling totally out of control so that he became possessed by the full 'French' persona that became Wenger.

Totally addictive!

Bob explained "i put in a joke CV for the Arsenal manager's post and presumed they would see through the ruse - for example, i had no previous experience as a player and i put down FC Nancy as my only managerial experience - i thought everybody was aware that FC Nancy are a made up concept to propagate the English stereotype of French men as effeminate, but I guess that the board were so desperate to move on from the horror of the George 'Grim' Graham era that anybody new seemed attractive”

Grim

Bob described how he spent long hours in front of the bathroom mirror in his bedsit in Slough perfecting a variety of pretentious facial expressions including the ‘deeply pensive’ to the ‘disingenuously disaffected’ looks that have become Wenger trademarks . These seemed to fool the gullible North Londoners and then all he had to do was find a team; “At first i played safe using fantasy football stats from the French League and it worked a treat because English players were so talentless at that time - we couldn’t stop winning trophies!”

Disaffected

However, Bob revealed how things then started to turn sour “ I think that some of the senior players rumbled that my accent was fake and that I never spoke in actual French – I realised that Vieira and Henry had to go! Luckily the rest of the squad were too self-absorbed to notice my shortcomings or the departure of the more intelligent members of the squad”. But the problems soon re-emerged as the new breed swopped sex addiction for alcoholism as their preferred vice and soon brought a new type of shame upon the club. "Unfortunately, i then got too ambitious and started using my own judgement - bringing in players because they looked like typical Arsenal 'types' with disastrous results such as Arshavin, Chamakh and Ozil”.

Rumbled!

                                                                       
As things have continued to fall apart at hapless Highbury, Waddlesworth was forced to try increasingly desperate ploys to direct attentions away from his poor stewardship“ At the start of this year I realised that as we haven't won anything for years that it was becoming inevitable that i would be found out, so i decided to create a distraction by coming out with all this shamanic vibes bolloxology – if there’s one thing that I have learned over all these years it’s that the Gooners of Middle Arse are gullible!"

Bob said that he is relieved to have finally come clean and is now looking forward to getting back to watching his boyhood idols at Crystal Palace. “At least normal folk can afford to get into matches down there – not like all that overpriced bourgeois crap at Arsenal – it’s all fur coat and no kecks”

                          Ideal for those chilly evenings down at the Emirates: Kecks optional

In response ahead of tonight's big clash, West Ham manager Sam Allardyce commented " Arsenal are at a low ebb - we can take them. We used to batter them for fun when i was at Bolton, expect plenty of whinging afterwards from Widdlewaddle-Wenger or whatever he's called now about 'excessive physicality' and the likes "



AC preparing for tonights clash

 

West Ham accused of running Zombie squad

 

With the Hammers on weekend leave, attentions for the seriously addicted fans turned to matters related, including the performance of on-loan and ex-Hammers. Down in the Chumpionship, it’s hard not to notice that West ham are clearly running a ‘development’ squad of players returning from the terrible injury trauma of being transferred to a lower club.

As QPR pushed for a rattle at promotion to the playoffs, their efforts were massively assisted by the efforts of Rob Green, and goalscoring Yossi Benayoun, Bobby the Z-man, and on-loan Raveldo Morrison, as they romped to a 5-2 victory over Nottingham’s florist, who’s best player was Henri Lansbury, another one who’s bubble has burst. With Maiga and Gaz O’Neil waiting in the wings, it’s a veritable Hammersfest at Lofty road.

Managed by ex-Hammers Head Honcho, Honest Harry Redknapp, the Queens and Park Rangers look set for a play-off scrap where history dictates that the team finishing third (VWH’s prediction for QPR) do not make it. This would probably be good news for West ham as it would force Ravel Morrison to return to the Boleyn in search of Premiership action. His star is rising and clearly he is wasted upon the past-it kickers and never-quite-made-it tryers of that division.

In other news, poor Jack Collison missed a penalty as the Gooners of Middle Arse slipped past Wigan in a penalty shoot-out that decided their FA Cup semi-final. In better news, Tragic Sheffield United, now in the third tier despite receiving gazzillions in compo from West Ham for theTevezgate affair, also saw their gutsy cup run squashed as they lost 5-3 to Hull City (NOT) Tigers. Meanwhile, those likeable rogues at Millwall could only muster a draw at home to Watford and look set to drop to League one (i.e. their natural habitat in the old Division three).

Oh! and Cheating Chico got found out and red-carded after a meer 16 minutes in possibly a season-defining moment for plunging Swansea. I guess that'll be a three match ban just when your team needs you most Mr Flores. What goes around deblah......

“In Haitian folklore, a zombie (Haitian Creole: zonbi) is an animated corpse raised by magical means, such as witchcraft”. ……..Is this Harry’s latest piece of mischief?

Johnson: I Sold my Soul to the Devil



I Believe i'll dust my broom!

As Liverpool find themselves on top of the Premiership with the title to lose, Ex-Hammer Glen Johnson will inevitably have taken time to reflect upon his success. This time last year manager Brendan Rodgers was the laughing stock with a team of misfiring stars, but wind forward and how things have changed!

In a transformation as stark as that which took young Robert Johnson, a previously  unremarkable musician, who allegedly sold his soul to the Devil at the crossroads and reappeared as a stunningly gifted bluesman who created the very foundations of modern music.

The similarity is so stark that some conspiracy-prone (i.e. bored) footie fans have started to ask questions as to whether young Glen Johnson may have sold his soul for a measure of fame that was previously unthinkable. In the case of the Mississippi bluesman, Robert Johnson is said to have admitted to his devilish deal with Lucifer before being poisoned by the jealous husband of one of his many lovers!

Back in happier times

The theory has much merit but flounders when one considers the simple rule of souls; everybody has one - but only one! Johnson was said to have traded his when he left Upton Park for the financial grandeur of Stamford Bridge back in 2003. one theory suggests that he may have had his soul returned by Beelzebub when he subsequently found himself stranded in the miserable climes of Fratton Park!

Recent evidence also points to seriously Satanic goings on as match referee for last weeks bizarre encounter with the Hammers was clearly possessed by something evil as he awarded a whopping two penalties to Johnson's Liverpool - the second a particularly ghoulish error that stank of the diabolic.

Either way, Sam's angelic Hammers will undoubtedly wish Johnson well as he finally realises the massive potential that was evident back as far as his time in the Hammers academy.

Well done Glen - any chance you'd return for another spell?