London Club Make Late Bid for Payet

Dimi Demonstrates his Free Kick Skills to his new team mates

Just as it all seems done and dusted in the war of half-truths about Dimi Payet's departure from West Ham to Marseille, a fellow London club have thrown their hats into the ring offering the midfield playmaker a chance to relaunch his floundering career.

St Bonaventure's Secondary School in Forest Gate is one of the top forces in school's football and would provide an ideal setting for Payet to maintain his fitness if the Marseille deal stalls again. Having been ejected from the first team squad and then (allegedly) refusing to play for the U23's, Payet could be forced to drop further down the order and St Bon's could be the ideal place for him to rediscover a sense of discipline and respect.

Some observers have pointed out that at 29 years of age Payet may be too old to qualify for  schoolboys football but, after his recent wantaway antics, he would easily qualify for their Under 14s under the new Immaturity Index as his petulant antics would allow him to fit in perfectly with the other moody teenagers. Moreover, some have suggested that his behaviour could be best dealt with by teaching staff who, in contrast to Slaven Bilic and Co., are trained in how to deal with childish tantrums.

Even better, St Bonaventure's is well equipped to cope with spoilt brat soccer players who have fallen foul of the Hammers faithful with their transfer demands as it includes Jermain Defoe amongst its former pupils!

Payet to Stay as Snodgrass switches to Marseille!

More evidence of a conspiracy

Ok, so maybe it's a crazy thought! However, consider this - Marseille deny that they have had any part in unsettling Payet and are merely in the market for an attacking midfielder. Meanwhile, Hammers fans are becoming increasingly irritated by their transfer antics as it is widely believed that Marseille area  cash-rich club who could readily afford the asking price for Payet. The latest rumour is that Marseille are creeping towards the required £30 million and are preparing a fourth offer. C'est ridiculeuse, n'est pas?

Actually, no. Spare a thought for poor old Hull fans. Just like Olympic Marseille, West Ham are preparing a fourth bid for Robert Snodgrass as they edge towards his £10 million valuation. Clearly the Hammers have the cash having dodged the Zaa Zaa compulsory £20 million purchase clause, but are playing scrooge with Hull - a club who will desperately need reinforcements if their top scorer leaves and will want any business concluded in time to allow for a replacement to arrive.

West Ham and Marseille - perhaps not so different? Maybe Snodgrass should just go to the French side while Payet can make his apologies and earn the £1 million loyalty bonus he received only a few months back. If he starts banging in a few goals then one suspects that many fans would forgive him (Ed: actually that's unlikely as only 10% of fans would keep him in our PAYExiT poll!).

The other trouble with this theory is that with the way we are playing at the moment Dimitri wouldn't get back into the side!



 

Payet in Balotelli Switch as January Transfer Window Hots up



So Much Love!

Well Well Well! Quelle surprise, suddenly (and unexpectedly) PSG have entered the Payet race! Reports indicate that as Marseille's attempts to capture Dimitri Payet at a £20 million knock down price have stalled the French giants along with other Ligue1sides have joined the race to snap up the popular talent. 

First up, PSG are looking for an attacking midfielder after a series of injury problems over the past twelve months to their Argentinian playmaker Javier Pastore. Payet would be a very popular signing with the fans after his excellent showings at the 2016 Euros and PSG are sufficiently cash-rich to outbid Marseille's efforts. Many observers believe that the whole saga has been a pincer move to ultimately shift Payet to the French capital!

However, other reports have suggested that West Ham are looking at other options involving French clubs. Nice have re-emerged as a European force after being taken over by new owners last year and are rumoured to want Payet on a loan-purchase deal whereby he would move to them until the end of the season if they cover his £125,000 weekly wages.  

Bad boy Payet could thus join up with Super Mario Balotelli who is back to his best form since moving to Nice in the Summer and already has netted ten goals for them this season as they top Ligue 1. However, with West ham desperately needing additional striking options, it has been suggested that a swap deal could be on the cards! 

Another option would be for Marseille to take Payet on loan for £5 million for the rest of the season and then pay the rest of his fee if the move works out. Their current offer plus the loan fee would match West Ham's valuation of Payet who still has five years in his Hammers contract. 

However, Simone St SlimeSifter, our football political analyst reckons the PSG move will emerge as the real direction of the Payet story - just like everybody predicted after the Euros.

Payet Punishment Escalates With Further Disciplinary Measures

Now that Dimitri Payet has been banished to train with our kids in the U23 squad he is having to come to terms with being back in the school environment. While corporal punishment has (sadly) been eradicated from the curriculum, there are still many potent means by which naughty students can be punished.  

Little did Dimitri know that when he put pen to paper on a new five and a half year contract last Summer that he was in fact getting in some early practice for his punishment chores. Apparently, Dimitri wants to fly out to Marseille for the weekend but has been told that he has to stay back in detention with all the other badly behaved ruffians. 


Meanwhile, our star pupils will be turning out for the first team and hoping to push on from last weekend's fabulous Payet-free performance against Palace with the trip up North to Middlesboro.

COYI!!!


 

Payet in Loan Deal to Rotherham

Poor old Dimitri Payet - having marooned himself at West Ham by taking the unusual step of refusing to play until Marseille come and save him from all this English horribleness, he is now reported in the French media as annoyed with Marseille for not pushing harder to liberate him from his self-imposed isolation! Oops - Has he been double crossed by his former employers?

Nobody will play with us....

In reality, Payet is increasingly starting to look like the new Peter Odemwingie. Odemwingie infamously tried to pull a similar stunt on his then employers West Brom back in January 2013. Substitute QPR for Marseille and it's a similar position for Mr Payet just now as Marseille's hopes of picking him up for £15 million less than his market value seems to be well stalled as the Hammers are holding firm and refuse to be bullied by the Gallic tacticians!

Odemwingie ultimately had to return to West Brom to an unamused Baggies fan base and despite a public apology faced endless jeers until he was finally let go at the end of the season. Clearly the whole incident affected him badly as he then endured a disappointing loss of form and slipped from Stoke City to Cardiff and is now plying his trade with mighty Rotherham.

Maybe West Ham should just fast track Dimitri Payet to Rotherham - they could certainly do with him as they are stranded at the bottom of the Championship a full nine points adrift of relegation safety.  On the up side, Payet would team up nicely with Odemwingie and they could discuss how not to fashion a transfer to a 'bigger' club!

 

Legendary Diplomat Intervenes in Payet 'War'

The Dimitri Payet debacle took yet another unexpected twist this morning. With the two sides locked in combat over the Frenchman's future, top football Diplomat Paul 'The Guvnor' Ince added some helpful advice to the debate. 

Speaking on his Paddy Power supported column, Incey opinioned that “Payet has disrespected the manager, his team-mates, the club and the fans,” He further added that “The longer he sits in the stands the club are paying his wages and his transfer value is decreasing" 

Ince, an experienced war mongerer then concluded “In reality he has to go. That’s the best solution for West Ham.” 

Meanwhile, VERYWESTHAM's legendary in-house negotiator Harry Kissmyarsinger has suggested that West Ham need to address the plumbing problem that has caused this terrible mess - "Somewhere there is a tap dripping and it's turned innocent little Dimitri's head" 

In other news, Marseille's apparent total monopoly on the proposed transfer continues even though Payet is clearly an attractive option for many of Europe's top sides. Payet has persisted with the presumption that Marseille will want him back yet in no way could they have possibly influenced the current situation in a way that might be considered 'tapping up'.

We truly are in the post-truth era!

 

 

Top International Detective Brought in to Solve Mystery of Payet's Vandalised Car

Media reports overnight have alleged that Dimitri Payet's care has been targeted by vandals who, according to reports, have thrown a brick at one of his (multiple) expensive cars. The clear implication in these reports is that disgruntled West Ham fans are responsible. Hmmm. 

Interestingly, the paparazzi haven't managed to come up with any photographic evidence of the reported vandalism and certainly there is no evidence that West Ham fans were responsible. After the furore around the violence that was reported at the London Stadium earlier in the season, which many observers feel were more than a little exaggerated, many fans will be understandably sceptical about these latest events.

Were Hercule Poirot available to take on the case, the Belgian sleuth would probably have a VERY open mind about the reports as they are hardly likely to advance any position West Ham are taking (so why would West Ham fans be involved?) but would certainly add to the growing sympathy for Mr Payet.

With possibly £10-12 million of a gap between the Marseille bid and West Ham's valuation of the player there are other considerations as to who might benefit from such actions. There certainly is a lot of cash at stake! 

And, of course, there is always the possibility that the alleged events have nothing to do with footie and are, as the French would put it, un Crime d'amour!

Undoubtedly Hercule will sort it al out for us.