Monday 31 January 2022

Dogged Hammers in Last Minute Swoop for Striking Talent with Bite!


Recent events down in the Chumpionship have served to highlight a new source of footie talent for panic-stricken premiership clubs to tap into during the January desperation transfer window. 

Rex ‘crazy dawg’ Widdlespoon injected a sense of real excitement to an otherwise dull Rothersnore United versus Comatown Athletic League Two match by seizing possession of the match ball and going on a mazey Giggsian run for all of 4 minutes before the Rothersnore keeper managed to dispossess him with an outrageous challenge that went unpunished by the match referee!

Ooo-definite contact, that’s gotta be a penalty
Hammers boss, David Moyes, upon learning of young Rex’s acrobatics,has immediately diverted his scouts in search of similar canine talents. 

With very little genuine human quality on offer in the January transfer window, the astute gaffer has decided to cut his losses. Early indications are that the Hammers may have hit the jackpot as some former Upton Park favourites are unexpectedly out of contract and readily available should Moysie decide to swoop!!!

I'm with fatso!
 Many short memoried Hammers fans were excited for Frank Lampard Junior with his appointment as new Evertomb boss, and will surely be even more excited to hear that the other (much less arthritic) footballing talent of the Lampard family is readily available and said to be straining on the leash for a bash at Premiership football.

Deadly strikers

In even better news, the Zamora family name may also soon be back where it rightfully belongs on the Hammers team sheet as young Zeus Zamora (or ‘ZeeZee’ as he is likely to be called by Hammer’s fans) is also available on a free transfer and would be likely to accept a minimal remuneration package comprised of dog nuts and a promise to allow him to hold on to his match balls.

Ecstatic fans have commented how these signings can re-ignite the longstanding Hammers tradition of promoting canine talent through its much admired kennel-like academy system. Previous graduates include the tenacious midfield stopper Martin ‘Mad Dog’ Allen who is well remembered for adding much needed bite to the Hammers midfield in the early 1990s!

The Bard of Barking is expected to return to the Boleyn

Moreover, the signings would be likely to bring back to the Boleyn some disgruntled fans who have drifted away from the club due to a perceived lack of representation of local talent from previous feeder clubs clubs such as Dogenham Rovers and Barking FC.

P.S. Apologies to readers who have once again fallen for our annual January transfer window skit! Hopefully it might bring a smile to some disapointed fans faces. 


  1. Thankfully looks as if West Ham haven't repeated the mistake of 2009, when they brought in on loan Egyptian striker, Fido.

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