You Can Run But You Can't Heidi

The bubbles are at it again. Andy Barnet has elected to go with a Heidi-style platted look, while Alex Song is warming the bench resplendent with Bono-style goggles!

But the big news is that Michail Antonio is on the terror trail again, rampaging at every opportunity and has given the bubbles boyz the lead.

Dimitri Payet is waiting in the wings...could this be the double!!!

COYI!!!

Hammers to Make Hollywood Version of 'Quest for Bilic'

The arrival of Slaven Bilic in the Summer has brought a remarkable transformation in atmosphere at West Ham. But how did Lady Brady and the two Davids make it happen?

The true story may never be known but here at VERYWESTHAM our Nerdgeek department have been examining the evidence. David Sullivan has become increasingly involved in the movie industry with his recent Kray story releases, but now it emerges that the new Star Wars movie 'The Force Awakens' is, in fact, almost totally based upon events at the Boleyn!

Early in 2015, Grand Jedi Master Yoda Sullivan - the oldest and most powerful known Jedi Master in the Hammer universe became concerned that the force had become dominated by negativity and decided that the dark days of the Sam Empire must be brought to an end.

Summoning the leaders of the resistance, Princess Brady and Hans Goldie, the search began for a new leader who could train a new team of Jedi warriors to conquer Europe and the Universe.

After a seemingly endless journey, involving stop offs at exotic watering holes controlled by strange bespeckled beings...

 
Their quest ended with the discovery of their new Jedi Coach - a wise warrior and one of their own...

 
 
With their band of resistance fighters, led by Captain Noble and ace Pilot Payet, they stormed the Premiership, winning a key battle against the Gooners at the Empirates, before crushing the eternal enemies at Liverpool and Chelski in evidence that the force that had been dormant for many decades had returned.

Therafter, the bright new force led them to strange far away planets like Astra, Lusitans and Bournemouth, where they encountered primitive aliens while the force grew in strength.

As we await episode VIII, there is everything positive to believe in as we traverse the Premiership Universe in the Olympic Millenium Falcon...

2016 will be a year of great discovery and the continued rise of the force

Proof: The Referees a Merchant.....Hammers Bottom of Good Fortune League

Time and again we are told that those game changing decisions all balance out eventually. At the end of the day, the best rather than the luckiest sides come out on top. Indeed.

But is that really the case? Few fans would agree, but they are hardly neutral. So what happens when we get the opinions of neutrals using all the technology that is denied to match officials?

The dudes at Teamtalk.com run an ongoing table that monitors key decisions - red cards / penalties etc. It makes for fascinating reading and will do little to quell the paranoia of many fans who believe that the 'bigger' clubs get a disproportionate number of close calls going in their favour! The table shows that the top six 'lucky' sides include an obvious five, along with top of the table Leicester. Hmmm.

As for the Hammers, we are the joint unluckiest team in the Premiership just now with a whopping 80% of key calls going against us. In fact, the teamtalk guys only based their Gestede/Ogbonna decision on the contact that led to the penalty but overlooked the blatantly illegal shirt pull on poor Ogbonna immediately before the contact!

Adjusting for that we are officially the most unlucky side in the league! One can only imagine where we would be in the league if a few of those calls had gone our way!

Let's start a campaign. We demand a fair deal from the match officials or we will refuse to play in the Europa League ever again. Also, maybe Slaven needs to be less 'reasonable' with the referees? Take a look for yourself...

A Stampede of Legends Awaits the Boleyn

As we enter the final calender year of activity at the Boleyn Ground, Hammers fans will be thinking of how to maximise their experience of our home. Just like Hans Solo's spaceship, the Millenium Falcon, the old ground is a bit rickety here and there, but when the place hits warp speed the house can really rock! As Captain Claret Mark Noble recently put it, Upton Park is a place where we have all "laughed, cheered and cried".

The recent announcement that Noble has been granted a testimonial on Easter Monday (28th March) comes as wonderful news. Even better, it's clear that a host of Hammers heroes and legends are queing up to join in the fun. That man Di Canio is already confirmed and now the question is who will join him? Tevez? Repka? Miklosko? Cole? Ferdinand? Dicks? McAvennie? Cottee?...the list goes on and on!

The game is scheduled for a 2PM kick off and surely represents the most enticing event of the season? Not surprisingly, former Hammers are hitting social media with congratulations for our most loyal servant over the past 15 years.

Who would you like to see in claret and blue for one last time on Easter Monday?

  

Revealed: The Truth Behind Alex Song's Goggles

Star wars latest a-MAZ-ing character

The St Stephen's day tussle with Aston Villa was livened up by the vision of Alex Song sporting a pair of colourful goggles. However, in all the banter about Andy Carroll's new braided haircrime, Messr Song has not quite generated the attention he might have expected.

Is it a Barca thing?

There has, however, been some speculation as to the source of his new 'look'. Some quarters have suggested that he is continuing the tradition set by Former Ajax, Barcelona and Tottenham midfielder Edgar Davids, who wore the goggles to protect his glaucoma-affected sensitive eyes.

Cool, or NOT cool?

Song seems to have dittched the goggs already, suggesting that they may be more fashion than medicinal in purpose, raising questions as to his position on the Bono-U2 cool or twats debate that has divided music followers for decades.

Lady Brady, being held hostage by some Spurs fans

However, here at VERYWESTHAM we can reveal that, in all likelihood, Alex has simply been taken up by the Star wars fascination that is sweeping West Ham. While Karren Brady is said to be obsessed with her likeness to Princess Leia, Alex is much more taken with the most interesting of all the new characters from the Force Awakens, namely Maz Kanata - the ancient space pirate who runs a watering hole in a castle on the planet Takodana.

Yes, YOU!!! now get off...

Let's hope that Alex's performances lead to West Ham erecting a statue of him in front of the Olympic Stadium, just lime Maz has at her abode in the film. That failing, let's hope he doesn't end up at mighty Barnet just like Edgar Davids!

Carroll undecided about future plans

He's had his Pink Floyd stage, posing as a Dave Gilmour lookalike, then been through a Jesus fascination and even been the victim of a Russell Brand Bromance, but Hammers Head Hair Honcho Andy Carroll has gone full Star Wars with his new hairstyle!

After a recent phase posing as Chewbacca, the lofty striker has reverted to the Jar Jar Binks style that he first favoured whilst enjoying his most prolific goalscoring period at Newcastle.

It seems Andy can't quite decide between his favourite Star Wars heroes, unlike his footballing preferences where rumours of a return to Newcastle have been scotched by the Hammers chairman, while a return to the Evil Empire at Anfield is totally out of the question!

Although Andy may be receiving no end of slating for his new hairstyle, Hammers fans wont be too worried as long as he stays fit and starts slotting a few more vital goals in our push for a European slot to christen our debut season at the Olympic stadium.

May the force be with you big man, whoever you choose to look like!!!

Ten Major Learning Points From The Southampton Victory

The Hammers tussle with Southampton at Upton Park yesterday evening certainly was a game of two halves. Southampton could and should have been two or three goals up at half time as a clueless Hammers lacked a clear plan and stumbled in at half time looking dazed. However, Slaven Bilic was brave and made two major substitutions at the break bringing on Carroll and Lanzini for Zarate and Song. This delivered a remarkable result as the Hammers slowly took over and totally turned it around for a 2-1 victory where, in fact, they could have won by more at the end! The performance was very revealing about the nature of our squad and among the important insights gained were;

1. Michail Antonio can be a major Premiership force. The lad has struggled for game time since moving from Notts Forest. There have been glimpses of his ability but he is far from the finished product. Last night he deservedly won the MOTM award after terrorising Southampton's defence in the second half where, once he received some decent possession, he ran at a hapless Southampton back line to devastating effect. Sides will adapt to his directness (probably) but his innate physicality and enthusiasm will give his mentors much to work with. How you wish Teddy Sheringham was still helping out as a forward's coach!

2. Alex Song is better suited to a more defensive role. Bilic played Song in an unusual position at the front of a midfield triangle but the experiment did not work out as we looked sluggish moving forward and did not create a single decent scoring chance in the first half. Song has a career total of just 11 goals in 411 games which speaks volumes for his relative offensive versus defensive abilities. BTW, that record should read 12 goals but his perfectly good strike against Arsenal was bizarrely disallowed last season.

3. Carl Jenkinson is regaining his confidence. Jenks has had a torrid season - despite scoring twice, his defensive performances have been erratic and resulted in him being dropped in favour of James Tomkins at right back. He has featured as a sub in our two previous matches where he performed well but Last night Jenks was given the daunting role of starting at left back and then switching to the right. He was solid in both positions (if a little one-footed for the left sided role) and looks to be returning to his former performance levels. Let's hope that this trend continues. 

4. Bilic can weather a crisis and use it to develop his squad. In contrast to Sam Allardyce, who responded to adversity by parking the bus and bringing in over the hill journey men (Roger the Relegator springs to mind!), Bilic has been realistic about the impact of our injury epidemic and adapoted our style accordingly. We have had little joy over the past eight games with refereeing decisions and the likes but still maintained a decent defensive record and blooded some new talent with Antonio finally getting his opportunity to show what he can do. In addition, Reece Oxford has slipped in some game time while Song and Valencia are getting back to match fitness.

5. Lanzini has a crucial creative ability and should be signed on a permanent deal as soon as possible. There is much to like about the Noble-Kouyate-Song combo in midfield which makes it super-difficult for opposition sides to score against us, but we need an incisive force if we are to create enough decent scoring opportunities to win games. Lanzini looked a bit off the pace for the first few minutes after he eneterd the fray last night but soon adjusted and suddenly we started to tick in atack and started to ask serious questions from a Southampton defence that had been cruising up to that point. Returning to the Lanzini-Payet combo as our offensive engine is a delicious prospect that we will hopefully get to realise over the near future. Tasty!

6. Mauro Zarate does not justify a starting place when we have a fully fit squad. The little Argentinian is certainly a better performer than his time under Allardyce suggested but he is a frustrating player who holds on to the ball too long and often tries to dribble out of dangerous situations in his own half. His concession of the ball to Davis towards the end of the first half last night very nearly provided Southampton with the two goal cushion they deserved! With a full squad available he presents primarily as a useful impact substitute.

7. Bilic can get it wrong sometimes. James Collins had fallen down the pecking order since Bilic arrived and looked set to join Big Sam at Sunderland until injuries forced Slaven's hand and the Ginger Pele got to strut his stuff. Is he the best shot blocker in our defence? Yes, he is! His recent two year extension may not be big media news but it represenets very good business for the club. With Tomkins impressing at right back, Collins has a more obvious role in the squad.

8. Mark Noble's set pieces are very average. Lanzini took over responsibilities once he came on and suddenly we looked more dangerous. Noble's corner kicks all too frequently fail to get past the first line of opposition defence and lack the 'whip' that creates better opportunity. Payet and Lanzini will assume primary responsibility for firing in our set piece missiles. Captain Claret is our heartbeat but he can't do it all himself!

9. James Tomkins should be in the England set up. The lad has grown in maturity and positional sense over the past two years and that TOWIE incident is well behind him. Maybe Alex Song should loan Roy Hodgson his funky spectacles so that the England boss can see some of the talent at West Ham that he has been ignoring.

10. Mark Noble should play for Ireland (We couldn't resist this one!). At 28 and with Hodgson looking comfortably ensconced as head honcho at International level, it's time those Cork relatives explained to Nobes the many delights of the Emerald Isle. Martin O'Neill and Roy Keane are still smarting over the Jack Grealish affair and would love to capture Noble's services as they lack a natural partner for James McCarthy in midfield ahead of the Euros where they are in the group of death with Italy, Belgium and Sweden. It's approaching last chance saloon for Noble and it seems a terrible waste that such a quality player may not get a single run out at full international level. Hmmm. Stop this nonsense - sign him up, NOW!