Noble by Name, Majestic by Nature

The literary world is agog this evening at rumours that its greatest exponent, William Shakespeare, may be coming out of retirement in response to the developing nonsense around Mark Noble’s stalled contract negotiations at West Ham. Willie, who has been in hiding for years with Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison (and for some unclear reason, Richie Edwards of the Manic Street Preachers) has expressed a desire to chronicle the treacherous goings on down at the Boleyn. It is reported that Noble has become an increasingly tragic figure, bewildered by the lack of recognition of his intense loyalty, forcing him to consider forsaking his beloved Hammers for the likes of Stoke, QPR, Wigan and a host of other pointless premiership pretenders.

Ricardo Vaz Te models the latest Hammers Leisurewear

Speaking from an Island off Madagascar, The Bard revealed “I liketh not these clouds that gather across the firmament, for they bestoweth great peril and force sane men to wander, until it doth maketh them mad and without reason”. Paul Raisenthorpe-Smythe, presenter of Channel Four's late night literary magazine ‘Books and bits’ ventured ‘this could be the tragedy of all tragedies, the final literary piece for William, and also a useful springboard to relaunch his failing career’. He was also quick to emphasise that late night arts programmes are not solely the reserve of literary trolls and their sycophantic gargoyles.

William: Best mates with the Lizard King

Other observers have expressed fears that Noble may disappear into the same Bermuda (transfer) triangle that previously engulfed Hammers stars Bobby Zamora and James Collins, both of whom experienced mysterious and inexplicable disappearances. Frustratingly, recent returnees have been unable to recall much about their time 'missing'. Speaking for the first time on the matter, George McCartney said – “ I can remember very little, except that it felt empty and purposeless”. Similarly, the prodigal James Collins spoke of his time ‘lost’ “Although the colours seemed familiar, everything seemed without soul and i couldn't decipher a word of what they were saying, it was nightmarish”

                                                                                                        Z: still out there in the Caribbean

Meanwhile, more impressionable hammers fans will be buoyed by David 'Yoda' Sullivan's  daily press ‘leak’ where he lauded young Mark’s contribution "strong the force with him, it is"

  

                                                                                   Sullivan:  Wise

Finally, in other news, Michael Stipe has announced plans to reheat moribund nineties popsters REM for a typically self-indulgent and indecipherable concept album exploring his personal catharsis around the whole debacle. A provisional album title "Am I...?" has been mooted.

 

                                                                    Stipe: Needy

 

The 'Johnny Foreigner' XI: Hammers all time top imports

Of course West ham have a proud tradition of producing top quality homespun talent from the much envied academy, but we have also been privileged to house some pretty exotic foreign talent. While there have been some spectacularly disastrous signings, we have certainly gotten much excitement from the arrival of unknown quantities and in many cases found players who have not only absorbed our culture, but even added to the whole concept of what it is to wear the Claret and Blue. These palyers have arrived in dribs and drabs over the years – but what if they could all suddenly morph into a simultaneous phenomenon – making up the Johnny Foreigner XI?

    

Goalie: surely no debate here. Ludo. Can we ever forget the excitement? He always seemed on the verge of a mistake, but actually very rarely slipped up and was an unrivalled shot stopper.

Defence: Centre backs Marc Rieper and Slaven Bilic. Brave, physical, streetsmart and Bilic was quick enough when he needed to be. Also, think of the opposition panic at our set pieces? Right back – lots of above average contributions – but its got to be the terrifying Tomas Repka. I know he could be error prone but his commitment was unequalled. Remember those tears when we got relegated? Left back..Hmmm. I found this the most difficult to fill and after much consideration selected Herita Illunga (mostly based upon his first season at the club!).

Midfield has so many choices. Central midfield Eyal Berkovic and Mark Vivien Foe. Right sided midfield: Yossi Benayoun. Let’s all hope he adds to the justification during his renewed spell at the club. Left sided: Paulo Futre – not because he contributed much on the field during his nine appearances (let’s face it he was crocked before he arrived) but because he made us feel special to have such a legend amongst our ranks at a time when morale was low.

Forwards: Carlos T and Di Canio. All time Hammers’ legends. No debate here.

These players have been largely selected according to their individual merits rather than complementary skills within a team. Would Futre pass the ball to Di Canio? Would both Benayoun and Berkovic be too lightweight in midfield? Would the award of a penalty provoke endless ball wrestling as to who would get the honour?

Oh, and by the way, Irish, Scots and Welsh not considered JFs...That would be a nightmare...Fankie Mac vs Tevez / Di Canio.....Ray 'Tonka' Stewart would probably displace Repka, as would Liam Brady Berkovic....

Upwards and onwards...

What a week! From the jolting disappointment of the Swansea game, with all its blundering tomfoolery, to the cold precision of the Crewe tie, and then the barnstorming battering of Fulham at the Boleyn – there were sooooo many positives to digest. First up: should we really be quite so excited by Andy Carroll, who has assumed almost messianic status after a mere 60 minutes against a lame Fulham defence? For me, the biggest plus from his debut was that his presence allowed us to see the proposed game plan for the year. Yes, you heard me correctly, we have a game plan! - perhaps for the first time since Curbishley’s reign. Even more pleasing is that the method isn’t too ugly and may allow for a bit of decent footie along the way to picking up points rather than the moral victories we are so used to – all that worthy stuff with delightful triangles around midfield until the conclusion where we get rolled over by more mercenary outfits. It’ll be a relief not to have to stomach patronising match summaries from Match of the Day pundits of the ‘West ham played some nice football but need to convert it to points….’ variety. We will be tough to play against this season.

We all know what we're doing!

And what a transfer window! For all our scepticism about the Two Davids’ media hugging, they really delivered in the end with some top new recruits and there can be no denying that our present squad is vastly superior to the one that hobbled to promotion last year. Collins brings steadiness to the back four, and there can be no doubting that Reid and Tomkins will benefit from his experience. Diame is mobile and physically imposing, he is undoubtedly an annoying opponent to play against and Noble and Nolan can cut loose in the confidence that someone is back minding shop. Jarvis looks exciting and cheeky which along with the addition of Yossi’s guile, will bring much greater attacking penetration. Carroll and Cole can provide the fulcrum for all this up front. And who knows, maybe Maiga could be another Demba Ba? We now have so many options and, just as importantly, a manager who substitutes well i.e. logically and in enough time to make a difference – for a comparison, consider the bumbling ineptitude of Mr nice guy Zola or the rudderless indifference of Jabba the Hut.

 

Enough said, good business boys, let’s do this thing. COYI!!!


EEEasy!!!!!


 

Santa clause may ruin Hammers Crimbo buzz

As the uncertainty regarding Andy Carroll’s future rages, it has emerged that the loan deal that brought him to Upton Park may be even MORE complicated than was first thought! Even as he helped the swashbuckling Hammers to a breathtaking demolition of lowly Fulham at the weekend, reports from Anfield suggested that Liverpool may invoke a clause in his contract that allows them to recall Carroll at Christmas. Hammers fans have hit out at Pool’s Killjoy threats and vowed to resist the curmudgeonly Scousers Yule tidings.

Scouse Claws

However, top wig- Max Fotherington-Ponsonbury - has opinioned that the arrangements for Andy’s ongoing footie foster care could be resolved in any of a number of ways. One obvious fix would be for Andy to be divided in half  -  a solution that West Ham sources were quick to brand as ‘ridiculous’, outrightly rejecting the possibility, while emphasising that in any such case the Hammers would be taking the free-scoring head rather than his goal-shy lower limbs.

 

A full Andy at training last week

It is believed that a similar half-torso arrangement has worked well for the Pool in the past, with Red’s legend Sammy Lee rumoured to have been the bottom half of a pantomime horse discarded from Southport theatre after the Christmas celebrations  of 1978.

Another possible solution would be for the clubs to avail of his services on alternate weeks – like a timeshare arrangement. A further delicious possibility would be for Andy to play alternate halfs for each side in the likely top of the table clash scheduled for Anfield in April. This could provide the eco-aware Andy an ideal opportunity to set an example by wearing a hybrid Liver-Ham kit thus reducing the workload for busy Anfield laundering staff.

A disgusting mess that mixing Hammers and Pool kits could produce

Hammers management have expressed a willingness to be flexible in reaching an agreement with the pugnacious Liverpudlians. One of the Davids is said to have calculated that even if Andy is only available for 50%  of the time, he will still exceed the combined contribution of Kieran Dyer and Freddie Lundberg, both of whom had full time contracts with West Ham. Meanwhile, in recent times the cash-savvy Scousers have inceasingly opted for 50%-effort contracts that explain the half-hearted performance of their transfer signings of recent years.

Either way, it looks like the clubs are going to have to get down together and thrash out a deal over how best to share out the considerable spoils of Andy’s endeavours over the season. Liverpool will certainly be hoping to get a better deal than they did the last time they negotiated a deal with West Ham – the famous Dicks-Marsh-Burrows accord that saw the Hammers achieve Premiership survival. Conspiracy theorists continue to insist that the follicly challenged psycho who turned out for the Pool was in fact Bill Carter – the 1980s troubadour with punk legends the Screaming Blue Messiahs - who posed as the silky-skilled defender while the real Dicks took a year out to compete on the professional Golf circuit.

                                                         Yet another Dicks impersonator

In a further twist, it is rumoured that Liverpool have reserved the right to assume control of Andy’s left foot from January onwards. It is thought that a similar agreement was the basis for Everton’s remarkable Premiership survival in 1994 when the usually reliable Wimbledon stopper, Hans Segers, found himself unable to reach down for a gentle possession-returning pass from Everton’s Graeme Stuart. It is believed that Everton had in some way assumed financial control of his lower limb thus preventing him from making the routine save that would have condemned the Toffees to the lower division in a season that, after all the final day musical chairs, predictably resulted in Sheffield United being once again relegated in ‘suspicious’ circumstances. THE END.


                        Some Dogged Blades Fans





West Ham 3-0 Fulham: Poorgeois Pretenders sent packing

West Ham were reeling this morning having being branded ‘merciless and cruel’ by thin-skinned Fulham fans after yesterday’s gruelling 3-0 footballing lesson at Upton Park . Julian Thorpington-Barnes, speaking from his trendy little West London bistro, complained “there was simply no need to rub our noses in it with Matt Taylor’s sassy strike for the third goal –frankly, I was left feeling  demeaned and humiliated”. “I can only imagine how distressing it must have been for those fans that were foolhardy enough to actually attend the match”.

Midge Ure takes in yesterday's champagne performance

The 3-0 spanking extends the Hammers enviable record against the hapless Cottagers to a ridiculously one-sided affair where, apart from a disputed 2010 result,  the dominant Hammers remain unbeaten in the clubs last 16 meetings.  However, in their defence, it should be noted that the west London artists were lucky to be able to field a full team due to a severe outbreak of Gout in the camp during midweek. Coupled with the poor timing of yesterday’s fixture – clashing with the annual Hammersmith and Borough literary festival  at which numerous members of his first team squad were giving readings –the normally upbeat Fulham team boss Martin Jol was left scowling with frustration.

Martin Jol curses the rise and rise of haiku

Moreover, without the thunderous support of their most famous fancier, the raffish Hugh Grant, the Fulham team were left without voice in the veritable cauldron that is the Boleyn ground. Club sources commented that although Fulham’s innocuous image continues to attract high profile artistic and thespian types as supporters, unfortunately many of these are too busy prancing around with other commitments to bother to attend actual matches. We can say with confidence that, were he alive today, Franz Kafka would have favoured Fulham over other premiership clubs. The depressing incompetence, dowdy club colours and general sense of  futility would almost certainly have appealed to the dour Czech novelist.   


                          
                                 A Fairweather Fulham fancier takes in a more attractive 'boutique' fixture

But for the buoyant Hammers it's all fun and frolics right now, prompting Big Sam Allardyce to observe " If we can just keep it together for another 30 or so games then we will be on the verge of a champions league spot".

                                                                    
                                                                               Julian Faux-Pas at training yesterday





 

Demspey refuses to Makepeace before Upton Park adventure

In disappointing scenes this morning outside his new club’s ground at White Hart lane, Clint ‘the enforcer’ Dempsey lashed out at his former employers at Fulham; “I couldn’t stand another minute at the club, that awful team kit was just wrecking my buzz, dude”. In worrying developments ahead of their crunch tie against the erudite Hammers, Dempsey identified a problem that has been eating into the very core of Fulham “Man - I was sick of being called a 'cottager', it sounds so poncey, like being from some rural retirement home for has-been artisans and second-rate street performers”.

 

A typically pretentious 'cottager'

Fulham are likely to face an uphill battle to find a replacement for the mutinous Yank as they struggled to recruit new players during the transfer window because their home kit is deemed totally naff by toady’s fashion-conscious footie superstars. Meanwhile, the elegant Eastenders of west ham will almost certainly rub salt into their opponents wounds today by togging out in their bodacious home claret and blue ensemble. New recruit Andy ‘ASBO’ Carroll identified the club’s kit as a major selling point that convinced him to accept the paltry £80,000 a week remuneration offered by the cash-happy Hammers. It is even rumoured that Andy insists on wearing the team jersey home to relax watching his Steven Seagal DVD collection.

Andy on his way to training last week

 

Elsewhere, after his regular Saturday morning massage, team manager Sam Allardyce expressed his delight at capturing the striker and vowed that the Fulham goal would be totally under siege during today’s encounter. 

 
                                                
                                                                The Cottagers' Captain preparing for today's fixture

Meanwhile, Fulham sources have insisted that the club has ditched their previous fuddy-duddy thatched cottage image for a new terrifying urban-chic ethos. As testimony to their new-found city chic, the streetsmart Fulham team are planning to travel across London today on a fleet of specially hired segways. Moreover, Rap-friendly Cottager Crew boss, Brede Hangeland threatened on twatter “Our homies iz gonna du a job on dem, rite on der oan mannor, innit…”.

The Fulham squad setting out this morning

Sources at West ham could not confirm whether they could guarantee the security of the Segways during the match and suggested that the Fulham team might like to reserve taxis in order to ensure smooth passage home after today’s visit to trendy East London.

 

 

Wrecking Crewe dealt Hammer blow: West Ham 2 Crewe Alexandra 0

Those expecting harsh retribution following Saturday’s heavy defeat to Swansea will have been disappointed by Tuesdays night’s Capital One Cup clash at Upton Park. The Boleyn was besieged by vulture-like paparazzi expecting the Hammers to show their legendary vulnerability against lower league teams, but Big Sam’s boys delivered a performance that was intensely mundane, running out Two-Zzzzero victors in an utterly unremarkable victory that will provide no clues to Fulham ahead of Saturday’s crunch middle of the table clash.

 

Bloodthirsty paps crave another giant killing

 

Speaking during a visit to the Daewoo manufacturing plant in South Korea, club representatives commented “This is precisely the kind of bland efficiency that we at West Ham are looking for”. “The lads put in a decent shift against Crewe that I expect will boost our quarterly merchandise sales figures”. Meanwhile, Big Sam has expressed his delight at the match statistics which revealed how the Hammers dominated with 65% possession and achieved an impressive 23 vs 8 throw-in count!

 

Midweek scenes at Chadwell Heath

Reports from the Crewe camp were less positive, however. Dario Gradi, longtime Crewe team stalker commented  “It was a sickening mismatch - like being held down by your big brother while he farts in your face”. It is rumoured that the second half proceedings became so boring that three of the Crewe team pleaded to be substituted and that their top striker was observed playing with his mobile phone during injury time. In his post-match post-mortem, team manager Steve Davis commented “ I’ve seen some really pedestrian snooker matches, and let’s face it the Crucible is a bloody dump in the middle of the industrial wasteland that is Sheffield, but that performance reminded me of my second round match against Cliff Thorburn in the 1984 World Championship”

 

Davis, Thorburn and Eddie 'the grinder' Charlton during Tuesday night's fixture