Hammers Handed 'Easy' Fixture List

The Hammers will be hoping for a bright start with a series of gentle fixtures to ease them into the new season. With Spurs first up, followed by the first revenge trip to Palace, we can expect to get off to a flyer. These matches are then followed by a number of routine victories over Southampton and Hull before we get our chance to put down our European credentials by facing down Liverpool and Man United. Ambitious Hammers fans will be frustrated that we will have to wait until late October before getting our first crack at Man City in what should be a key fixture in deciding whether the title stays North or comes south to the Boleyn.

Hammers can expect to have much to celebrate over the Yuletide period as we take on the Gooners of Middle Arse and Chelski. We again face Man City in mid April and if we can establish a decent lead by then it will be hard to see any of the clubs in the final fixtures taking any points off us apart from Everton who will once again be ging their curse upon us.
 
West Ham's 2014-15 Premier League fixtures:

Saturday, August 16 Tottenham Hotspur (H)

Saturday, August 23 Crystal Palace (A)

Saturday, August 30 Southampton (H)
Saturday, September 13 Hull City (A)
Saturday, September 20 Liverpool (H)
Saturday, September 27 Manchester United (A)
Saturday, October 4 Queens Park Rangers (H)
Saturday, October 18 Burnley (A)
Saturday, October 25 Manchester City (H)
Saturday, November 1 Stoke City (A)
Saturday, November 8 Aston Villa (H)
Saturday, November 22 Everton (A)
Saturday, November 29 Newcastle United (H)
Tuesday, December 2 West Bromwich Albion (A)
Saturday, December 6 Swansea City (H)
Saturday, December 13 Sunderland (A)
Saturday, December 20 Leicester City (H)
Friday, December 26 Chelsea (A)
Sunday, December 28 Arsenal (H)
Thursday, January 1 West Bromwich Albion (H)
Saturday, January 10 Swansea City (A)
Saturday, January 17 Hull City (H)
Saturday, January 31 Liverpool (A)
Saturday, February 7 Manchester United (H)
Tuesday, February 10 Southampton (A)
Saturday, February 21 Tottenham Hotspur (A)
Saturday, February 28 Crystal Palace (H)
Tuesday, March 3 Chelsea (H)
Saturday, March 14 Arsenal (A)
Saturday, March 21 Sunderland (H)
Saturday, April 4 Leicester City (A)
Saturday, April 11 Stoke City (H)
Saturday, April 18 Manchester City (A)
Saturday, April 25 Queens Park Rangers (A)
Saturday, May 2 Burnley (H)
Saturday, May 9 Aston Villa (A)
Saturday, May 16 Everton (H)
Sunday, May 24 Newcastle United (A)

COYI!!!
 

Ilunga in World Cup Shocker

Ilunga (far right) demonstrates perfect wall discipline

Hammers fans will have little difficulty in recalling our former left back Herita Ilunga - a committed and passionate performer known for his robust tackling as well as his frequent forays down the left wing. In all, the Congolese star spent over three years at the Boleyn before returning to France where he is still active.

However, Herita's efforts are forever to remain mundane compared with those of his namesake, also from the Democratic Republic of Congo, Mwepu Ilunga - the player responsible for one of the World Cup's weirdest moments. in 1974, he was selected at right back for the then Zaire (now DR Congo) national side that competed in the finals which were held in Germany. Asa buoyant Brazil, already 3-0 up and cruising, prepared to take a free kick - the bold Mwepu ran out from the wall and thumped the ball upfield to apparent safety.

Go for it, my son!

As much of the World either cringed or broke down in laughter, the referee punished Ilunga with a yellow card (yes folks - it was hard to get sent off back then!). As the story unfolded - Ilunga explained that he was acting in protest at the treatment he and his squadmates received from the National government and actually wished to get sent off!

The rule of sartorially elegant but morally-corrupt dictator Joseph mobutu continued for Zaire until 1997 when he was forced to flee and the country reverted to the Congo as it's name. Unfortunately, they have had little subsequent footballing success asstandards have risen in African football. Never the less, Ilunga will always be remembered for his remarkable contribution to footballing history!

 

Who has been the best 2014 World Cup Hammer so far?

Competition for the much coveted 'Hammer of the tournament' award is really hotting up as the first series of games draws to a close. Although we have only a smattering of talent on show - and entirely ex-Hammers at this stage - we have seen some excellent performances to date. But who leads the table of Hammers' performance to date?

Pablo Armero scored for Colombia and looked ever so lively - showing loads of pace and a penchant for cheeky runs forward. It's been a long time since the Hammers had a full back of that description!

Glen Johnson was part of an excellent England performance and even though he looked tired and a little sloppy in the last quarter, there was every reason to be proud that he upheld the academy name on the highest stage.

Fat Frank played a blinder from the stands - soaking up the atmosphere as he enjoyed a free holiday coaching the young England stars who will actually make the first team!

But undoubtedly the finest performance to date has been from Valon Behrami - delivering a 110% effort for Switzerland as they slipped past Ecuador thanks to Behrami's brave efforst over the final 90 seconds of play. Although his time at Upton Park was blighted by injuries, including a nasty ACL tear,  he is still fondly remembered for those swashbuckling runs and determined challenges.

Keep it up bubbles boys!

 

Kouyate.....Errr....another centre back???

As reports continue to surface that West Ham have succeeded in capturing the signature of Senegalese defender Cheikhou Kouyate for a fee of 8.5million Euros, many Hammers fans may be left feeling bemused as to what is going on. With the success last year of the current centre back trio of Reid-Collins and Tomkins one would have thought that was one area where reinforcements were not a major priority. As a consequence, rumours are already gathering that despite the preseason trip to New Zealand, that Reid's wage demands (reported as 60K per week) may force an Upton Park exit.

In many respects the Kouyate signing makes sense; Allardycian in style and physique, the muscular 6 foot 4 inch powerhouse will undoubtedly welcome the opportunity to link up with Senegalese national team captain Momo Diame. Moreover, his relative versatility whereby he can double up as a defensive midfielder may well prove useful, even if it does ring of the disappointing Alou Diarra.

However, with Kouyate's experience to date mostly limited to playing for FC Brussels and Anderlecht in the not so demanding Belgian national league, the transfer fee seems unusually high - especially when Arsenal had apparently signed him for 6.5 million in January.  

Whatever way you cut it, this signing looks to signal the start of a major squad overhaul...

Sam: Campbell Can Be Our New Wanchope!

Will he score or fall over the ball?

As England lick their wounds after losing to Italy in a tight encounter where both sides went toe to toe for a full 90 minutes, breaking news from sources close to Upton Park has revealed how Costa Rican star Joel Campbell has been given the thumbs up for a move to West Ham. Sam Windybottom, a long time Hammers fan from Plaistow revealed, "that Joel Campbell kid really reminded of Hammers favourite Paulo Wanhope - pacey, cheeky, unpredictable and with a wicked shot on him"

Wanchope, who is currently assistant coach to the Costa Rican national side, is remembered for his sunny disposition - something that is even more evident than usual today after his sides stunning victory over Uruguay last night. For his part, Campbell not only scored, but also terrified the Uruguayans with a series of audacious long range strikes that whistled past the upright with the Uruguayan keeper stranded. 

Windybottom further interjected "After a couple of season's of being punked around by Arsenal, it's time for that Campbell lad to find a proper team - and in my view that should be West Ham"

On the down side, ex-Hammer Pablo Armero was displaced from the top of the bodacious World Cup goal celebrations chart by Campbells 'bun in the oven' offering. 

Hammers make crucial contribution to World Cup

As England fans are starting to get twitchy ahead of their crunch world cup opener against mighty Italy this evening, recent Hammers departee Pablo Armero has popped up to remind us of the East London side's world cup legacy by scoring the opener for his native Colombia an a tense encounter with Greece.

In decidedly un-Allardyce fashion, the pacey left back arrived late into the Greece box to slide a shot into the bottom right corner. Greece have responded with a period of sustained pressure during which the left back is coming under considerable fire and may well demonstrate the frailties that caused Allardyce et al to let him go at the season's conclusion.

Armero then used the moment to treat the onlooking world to the most exotic goal celebration of the tournament so far!!!

Supergood!!!

In other news, Carlos Valderrama has not been spotted amongst the observers, but our pitchside VERYWESTHAM correspondent remains confident that we will yet pick him out.

Carlos the Jackal - master of disguise!

Late Squad Call Up for Hammers

Hammers fans will undoubtedly have noticed that, perhaps for the first time ever, we lack a single club representative at the World Cup 2014.  Pablo Armero's contract expired at season'send and tFootball's highest stage is thus Hammerless. In one respect, this highlights the substantial English representation amongst our current squad, but also worryingly suggests that we lack a single player who is able to perform on the highest stage. It seems the best we can manage right now is for our top stars to occupy the rather lame back-up list reserved for late call ups in the event of injury, an ebola virus outbreak or alien abduction visiting the Hodgson squad.

However, in breaking news it has emerged that not one BUT FOUR Hammers have received call ups to the squad ahead of tomorrow's kick off against the Italians!!! Hammers fans will be delighted to learn that our ranks include a host of players who have been deemed to have ‘unique and important’ contributions to make to the squad, with the special abilities of Andy Carroll, Mark Noble, Ravel Morrison and James Tomkins all belatedly recognised by the wickedly myopic Hodgson.

We can exclusively reveal the important roles that the four with undertake for the squad -

Mark Noble: Executive Water Bottle Distributor and General Gofer: ‘Nobes’ is entitled to feel very disappointed with Roy Hodgson’s sustained and deliberate refusal to give him a run out in the England squad despite him being the most energetic and reliable player in the current Premiership!!! Noble was the player who topped the Premiership table for most yards covered last season – a statistic that will not be any surprise to Hammers fans.

Luckily, Hodgson has shown his ‘reasonable’ side by allowing Mark to join the squad in the role of executive water bottle distributor, and no doubt his Duracell-like qualities and courage in the face of insurmountable adversity will stand him in good stead as he tries to make sure the England team have sufficient hydration in the intense and humid Brazilian conditions. Unfortunately, his superior fitness levels have not been noted as a desirable attribute for Hodgson’s playing squad despite the inevitability that England will need to chase the ball against technically-superior opposition, like the talented Honduras side they encountered in last week's thrilling 0-0 draw.

 Oh! and of course there's the penalty taking.

Andy Carroll: Spiritual Matters: During his prolonged break from Premiership action, the muscular striker took time to explore his spiritual side, and at one stage almost morphed into Jesus himself!!!

 

 

It is hoped that Andy can provide England’s link to God – something the players will clearly need if they are to avoid the tragic scenes that surround their exit in the usual ‘death through penalty shootout’.

Ravel Morrison: Music and juggling entertainments: Top gangsta Rap artist Ravel is rumoured to be part-Brazilian and thus nicknamed ‘Raveldo’ by many Hammers followers. Morrison is considered to be not quite ready to become the new World Cup Gazza by carrying the hopes and expectations of the nation on his shoulders as the most technically-gifted English player in the tournament. This responsibility has been deferred until four years time when the world cup is scheduled to be replaced by an open-air sunstroke-dodging contest in Qatar. For now, Ravel can get some crucial experience of losing at the world cup and also provide a Brazillian-style talent for the English players to observe and practice trying to get the ball off during training.

 

James Tomkins: Drugs and Alcohol Counsellor: after starring in West Ham’s pre-season care in the community DVD (where top stars advise youngsters about the various pitfalls of modern life) as the sensible alcohol use expert, Tomka decided to experience intoxicated antisocial behaviour for himself with dramatic results earlier this year.

 

It is expected that the English players will need all the support that they can get to overcome the abject misery that being part of an England World Cup squad inevitably entails and the fully rehabilitated Tomka will be there to offer advice and support. Luckily, he also has some compelling video-teaching material depicting an overpaid Premiership Soccer Star misbehaving at a well known ‘celebrity’ niteclub. These horrific scenes are thought by some to be too extreme, but top psychobabbleologists reckon that they would scare the bejaysus out of even the most pampered football brat and will ensure absolute sobriety in the camp.

So there we have it – from Zero to four World cup squadsters! Hammers fans can be truly proud of the contribution of the club to the England effort. However, it some critics have suggested that this late involvement is merely a cynical ruse to try and capture the Hammers-presence that characterised the single previous English world cup success of 174 years ago. On that occasion, a Moore-Hurst-Peters triad overcame the mediocrity of the rest of the English squad to capture the trophy by virtue of their Bubbletastic footie that remains the preserve of East London’s finest!.

 

Either way, at least in Glen Johnson and (grrrr) Frank Lampard, the famous academy is represented in the actual playing squad, and the best of luck to them.