Welcome back fellow Hammers!!! It’s that time of year when you can indulge your dweebtastic side by assembling a make
believe team of players with freakish abilities that accumulate points towards
a meaningless tally of tosh – all of which ultimately amounts to nothing other
than a pointless points score when pitted against the might of unemployed
tossers from Rochdale and the likes who have time to constantly follow the
bogus stats and switch players every week.
However, fear not intrepid Hammersfans because at VERYWESTHAM
we have designed a footy competition that allows you to test your knowledge of the ‘real’ skills of the
modern game – the VERYWESTHAM Freaking fantastic Fantasy Football League!!!!
Yes indeed, the FFFF emphasizes those aspects of performance
that really benefit the club - instead
of giving points for boring balderdash like ‘goals scored’, ‘assists’ and ‘clean
sheets’, we are allocating points
according to much more revealing aspects of players performances to test the
more astute observer. Entrants will select a five-a-side team drawn exclusively
from Hammers players (past and present) and each week their selections will be
rated in terms of the following;
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| Even Hammers fans find the chicken dance annoying! |
(1) Annoyingness
for opposition fans:
This is rated from a highest score of 3 (equivalent to a
full Kevin Nolan, including the really irritating Chicken dance goal
celebration) down to a paltry 0 (allocated to ‘nice’ players like Paulo
Wanchope and Shaka Hislop who were generally viewed as ‘likeable’ by fans of other
teams). Persistent hectoring of opposition players when they have possession is
a solid points earner, but over indulgent and prolonged goal celebrations are allocated
top points! We expect that new midfield enforcer Cheik Kouyate will be a high scorer on the annoyingness scale
(2) Earnest
expressions during the match:
This ranges from a top score of 3 for performances as passionate as the uber-earnest Tomas
Repka to a lowly 0 given to any player who smiles during proceedings or makes any other
gestures that suggest it’s only a game rather than a battle to the very death. Under Big Sam, the current squad tend are
consistently high performers on this attribute and are said to have derived no fun or pleasure from last season - just like most of the watching fans!
(3) Throw-in excellence:
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| Doh! |
A much under-rated skill as Glen Johnson (scored minus 1)
discovered in the World cup with his embarrassing foul throw incident (didn’t Tony
Carr and the lads teach him how to throw the ball in at the academy?). Top
scores are allocated to players with the overarm missile capacity of Hammers
and Millwall legend Steve Lomas
(4) Maintaining strip
etiquette:
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| As punk legends the Damned would say: Neat, Neat, Neat! |
The modern game has witnessed a serious deterioration in adherence
to on-field dress codes with some (mostly foreign) players daring to turn out wearing
gloves and under armour. In an effort to encourage better etiquette, we will be
allocating points for players who keep their kits free of muddy blemishes and maintain
proper sock height during matches (the ever ‘tidy’Scott Parker was a regular
high scorer on this item) . Rolling up of collars or other pretentious
behaviour will be severely punished with minus points, as will any ‘it’s a bit
parky out there, I think I’ll wear mittens today’ pooftyness! Aaron Cresswell has been reported to keep a particularly tidy dressing room locker and will probably be pretty tidy in his on-field efforts as well
(5) Credibility of
innocent gesturing after deliberate skulduggery:
The nonchalant raised hands for a ‘sorry mate, did that hurt?’
or ‘Oops, I might have been a little late in the tackle there!’ are classics that will be awarded points but
the pained ‘we don’t have to make a big deal about this in front of all those
West Ham fans’ that typically precedes a deserved red card for a penalty box ‘coming-together’
is the highest points earner in this category.
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| Classic Noble 'honesty' |
(6) Amusing
hairstyles:
At £50 a pop to attend matches we expect players to at least give us
a laugh. Carlton Cole and Ricky Vaz Te have been the best performers from the current squad and set
the benchmark for follicular frolics over recent years. Newbie Diego Poyer looks well capable of dreadlocks and may be a clever choice. Coloured hair or silly shaving will
earn points, but top scores are reserved for ridiculous hair extensions. Obviously, David
James remains the all-time top scorer for the club in this challenging category.
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| Despite repeated attempts, James never quite reached the level of Valderama (bottom right) |
And so there we have it, a new fantasy game to distract us
from the on-field tedium. Participating fans can purchase a weekly points
calculator for a mere £99 through ‘Arry’s Appstore!
Happy Hammers-watching out there
folks!!!
