Hammers in Dramatic Double Veteran Swoop!

WARNING: This is a sarcastic and ironic piece. If you are one of those inexperienced West Ham fans who gets overly earnest and uptight when we get into relegation threatened mode then perhaps this skit may not amuse. Otherwise, for the veteran circus-watching fans in the absence of any news here we go...

An Artists impression of how the hybrid signing might look

You could feel the sense of panic rising last night as West Ham crashed to a depressing 4-1 defeat to the Foxes of Leicester! David Moyes rose admirably to the challenge of capturing the depth of dysphoria by labelling the performance the worst under his reign at the club. Even the normally self-aggrandising Brendan Rodgers could hardly find superlatives that were magnificent enough to praise his troops, and by extension, himself!

No wonder then fans are calling, nay, screaming out loud for reinforcements as the current crew look out of ideas and frighteningly lacking in either pace or creativity across the squad. But fear not! for help appears to be at hand with reports in the Daily Mail that West Ham are in the market to swoop for a double solution in their chase for Ronaldo Vieira!

In what will be the first of a new wave of hybrid cut n shut players, the Hammers have opted to combine the ace goalscoring abilities of Cristiano Ronaldo with the box to box physicality of Patrick Vieira, probably. 

With the Hammers board finding it hard to bring in new recruits, this novel approach of combining two players into one is the ideal solution. However, with a combined age of 77 years, the Hammers face possible criticism for elder abuse. Given the ongoing torture of average fans by the circus-like management, that will hardly raise any new concerns for the club who remain stoic and focused in the face of external and internal criticism.

Other fans have expressed concern as to how the club might transport the double player to matches given his considerable physique? However, our resident sports transport technician, Alfie Windybottom, has reassured those with short memory that the Benni McCarthy seat is still available on the team coach having been specially constructed to accomodate the striking ace when he arrived to ease similar January window woes in 2010. 

Meanwhile, in other news, Sampdoria have understandably rejected a paltry £12 million bid from an English club for their Star Midfield dynamo Ronaldo Augusto Vieira Nan who at 21 years of age is now a regular in their squad, spearheading their campaign to avoid the drop from Serie A as they are currently 16th and just 4 points above the relegation zone. The lad has excelled since joining the club for £6 million from Leeds United in 2018 and is one of the rising stars of Italian football having played in every game for Sampdoria so far this season.

One Sampdoria fan chuckled "Sampdoria selling Vieira right now would be conceding to the inevitability of relegation - it would a madness akin to West Ham not bringing in new players when they are in a state of freefall or, even worse, selling Declan Rice!"  

Meanwhile, with Michail Antonio back from injury, West Ham can heave a sigh of relief as the sometimes striker, sometimes right winger has also been a massive success in the past filling in at right back  were West Ham also, once again, need reinforcements.

All in all, things are looking good for the Hammers and this superb move will surely end the foolish carping about a perceived need for new signings. The club did not get to its lofty position as the 16th richest club on the planet by squandering cash during the annual January histrionics!

COYI!!!