Monday, 29 June 2015

Hammers Starlets in Class Footie Expose!

The latest trend amongst football fans worldwide is simply rampant at present, including at the West Ham camp as a sensational shot released today reveals!

Some intrepid Hammers fan managed to sneak into the too secret pre-Europa league training camp and capture both Elliott Lee and Josh Cullen with a stunning example of a footie!

Connossieurs worldwide are already calling this the ultimate 'footie' based upon the perfect positioning of the shoe in terms of the subjects of the shot along with the subtle juxtapositioning of the green lacing with the background scenery - simply awesome work!!!

The season has hardly begun and already the Hammers are pushing for top awards....well done lads, let's hope Mr Bilic rewards you both with some Europa league action on Thursday!

Europa League Clash Offers Sneak Preview of Olympic Stadium!

As the initial relief that West Ham had avoided Azerbaijani opposition for the first round of the Europa League subsided, it quickly became evident that a trip to Andorra to see the away leg against FC Lusitanos would be unlikely to include attending the match as the only stadium in Andorra has a capacity of a mere 899!!! Tickets for away fans would be as rare as the fictional Wonka Golden Tickets of the famous book & film!

However, our crack sleuths at VERYWESTHAM have identified a way in which Hammers fans can watch the game whilst also getting in practice for the category 5 seating at the Olympic Stadium! The stadium is overlooked by steep hills on all sides - and these could prove the perfect vantage point from which to view the match! Moreover, the climate is such that there should be no need for anything other than the Earth's own roof to keep away any inclement weather.

One down side however, is that the usual overpriced and information-deficient programmes and super-unhealthy stadium nosh would not be available in this part of the ground. Fans may be expected to forego the delights of paying a fiver for a shrivelled piece of rubber whilst looking at endless advertisements for insurance and the like.

As we said earlier this week - the Europa League would test the determination of even the most loyal West Ham fans!

Sunday, 28 June 2015

West Ham Strip Down to the Nipples!

After the apparent success of the Hammers new home strip, attentions have turned to the possible design of the away jersey.

Already a number of leaked images and mock ups have started to emerge -with the "interesting" looking effort above the most plausible to date.

Given the supermax levels of nostalgia that are doing the rounds as we approach the final season at the Boleyn, fans are predicting a return to our sky blue with claret hoops design rather than some of the white / darker blue efforts that have been used in recent times.

The secret to capturing that classic away jersey look is in the positioning of the claret hoops. As our top model Mr Moore demonstrates, the upper of the two hoops must be at nipple height in order to avoid the disappointing efforts from 2001 and 2011 shown below.

The problem with the classic design is that the hoops need to be positioned where the sponsors name now typically sits - the 2001 jersey modelled below by Mr Di Canio accomodated the Dr Martens logo between the hoops (which created an unsightly and excessive gap between them)

While the umbilical hoop positioning of the 2011 version was aesthetically unappealing as demonstrated by Mr Noble.

Its hard to decide where to place the Betway logo unless it is placed upon a single nipple-height hoop.

And that's not the classic design. Hmmmm.

Two further observations;

1. The sky blue should be of similar colour and design either side of the claret hoops - unlike the proposed design above.

2. The away strip should be devoid of white - JUST claret n blue.

Friday, 26 June 2015

Bilic Turns Down Major Rock Gig to focus upon Hammers


He may be known as the 'Rockstar Manager' but Slaven Bilic only has time for one love at present and that's managing West Ham United FC!

In his first major interview with a Hammers fansite, the trendy Croatian was asked if he wanyed to indulge in some air-guitar by the in-house band at VERYWESTHAM. The response was a definite no and we are thus left to ponder what might have been if the Rawbau axe legend had teamed up with the musical mayhem of the VWH crew!

Our staff artist has produced a mock-up of how such an air-guitar fest might have looked if Bilioc had succumbed to the invitation...


New Soccer Stalking Technology Released

We've all grown out of the onesie and tired of the endless selfies, but today a new rage was launched when VERYWESTHAM unleashed the perfect photographic stalking tool for Soccer fans - "THE FOOTIE"!!!

The ingenious means of documenting that you captured a soccer celebrity to yourself without ruining the shot by including your own ugly mug is sure to take the football world by storm!

The VERYWESTHAM team took the opportunity at West Ham's training session in Ireland to test out the technology and you can see the stunning result!

The technique requires that the stalker (1) identify a suitably famous footie player, and then (2) point their camera at same 'stalkee', then (3) lie back and raise your foot until it enters the lower zone of the shot, and (4) HEY PRESTO!!! a Footie is born!

Above we can see the unsuspecting James Tomkins, Joey O'Brien and Mauro Zarate caught in a classic footie snap!

But perhaps best of all, here we have the new management team at West Ham 'footied' with young Rory Meagher (The VWH youth correspondent) in attendance!

Olympic Stadium Issue Finally Resolved

In tragic news today it was revealed that a suspected terrorist attack in the East London area was, in fact, the head of ex-Leyton Orient Chairman Barry Hearn finally succumbing to the extreme vitriolic rage within. Apparently, upon learning that some folk at West Ham were happy and content with the proposed move to their new home at the OS, Mr Hearn's head became even more swollen than usual before suddenly exploding messily all over East London! Fittingly. He may have finally gotten a slice of the action at the Olympic stadium as a small part of his cerebellum is thought to have landed beside the half way line.

The state pathologist has put the death down to natural causes – “Mr Hearn was always expected to eventually spontaneously combust due to the relentless whinging and whining that he engaged in and the prospect of having to endure West Ham's triumphant return to European action seems to have finally pushed him too far". An insider a local public house revealed 'most observers feel that this awful incident needs to finally put an end to the relentless and totally pointless windbagging from Hearn and his motley gang of whining whingers'.
However, Top Mystic Charlotte-Anne has warned the Hammers staff to look out for poltergeist activities as Hearn is unlikely to let mere death stand in the way of further futile protesting.

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Olympic Stadium attacked by dodgy Superhero!

Just when you thought that the Olympic Stadium issue had been finally put to bed, Bazza Hearn has managed to manoevre things so that it is again considered newsworthy.

Having abandoned ship at Leyton Orient, Baz is at a very loose end and with so much time on his hands has linked up with Superhero - Captain Underpants - in an effort to finally bring those naughty badpersons at West ham to justice.

At this stage you really would have to wonder what drives these folk who keep trying to sabotage West ham's move to the Olympic Stadium. Given that it is so clear that the club are the only suitable tenants for the venue, its hard not to see the persistent bleating as a case of very sour grapes.

Either way, it'll take more than underpants to dislodge the Hammers at this stage.

Monday, 22 June 2015

Europa League Guide: The best way to get a ticket for the Lusitanos match

After all the speculation about trips to Azerbaijan and Kazakhstan, the Hammers were handed a much softr option in the first qualifying round of the Europa League.

Drawn against Andorran part-timers FC Lusitanos, the Hammers management will be pleased that preseason training can progress at a gentle pace. Previous adventures in Europe have seen the club trounced by clubs from Malta and the mighty Faroes. The club were formed in 1999 and are heavily influenced by the Portuguese community in Andorra.

On the down side, Andorra has a population of only 85,000 and only one stadium with a capacity of 899. Needless to say, if you are looking to attend West ham's first European football in a decade, probably the best route for getting a ticket is through buying Wonka chocolate bars!

Oh no!!! Not Tony Adams' Nomadic Azerbaijanis!

Bloody hell - i need to get home to tidy my bedroom
The draw for the Europa League qualifiers has commenced and the Hammers are in group two. Amongst the other members are FC Gabala from Azerbaijan.

The club formed in 1995 as Goy Gol FC but moved a decade later to Gabala - and duly changed their name.

Nicknamed 'the Radars', the club play in red jerseys with black shorts. Tony Adams endured a spell as manager in 2010 before leaving due to unspecified family problems back in London.

Lets hope we get anybody else!

Actually, with Goldie insisting that Modi Maiga and Mauro Zarate will get another chance at the club, maybe an away tie in Azerbaijan would provide the ideal opportunity to demonstrate the commitment that many fans felt they were short on first time around?

Bilic Already Looking Like West Ham's Most Successful Manager Ever

After only just over a week in his new role, Slaven Bilic has already started to take on the appearance of West Ham's most successful manager ever - Trevor Brooking!

As these pics of Bilic at his new home show, Slaven has taken on the stately demeanour of Sir Trev who took on the West Ham hotseat back in 2003 for the final three games of the season. The Hammers looked doomed but with manager Glenn Roeder recuperating after collapsing due to a brain tumour, the Hammers beat Man City and Chelsea before unluckily drawing their final game against Birmingham City. Sadly, even with 42 points, they dropped to the Championship where Trev again took the helm early in the season for 11 games again achieving a high success rate with 7 wins, three draws and a single loss.

Still missing sleep over that single lost game

His overall win ratio is 64% - almost the same as that of Slaven Bilic over his (longer) managerial career!

Separated at birth or maybe they are the same person? We have evidence of these pair having been seen in the same room simultaneously????

An obvious photoshop job!

Sunday, 21 June 2015

Europa League Opponents Exposed

And the food is shit too!
You may have noted the relative silence regarding the draw for the Europa League which, in no small part, reflects the indecipherability of the rules that underpin how the draw is made (and possibly a degree of disinterest in the competition).

Thankfully, all we be revealed tomorrow lunchtime. In the interim, a few pointers;

There are trillions of clubs from the minor leagues of Europe (and Israel who get a special dispensation in order to avoid meeting their unfriendly neighbours). No clubs from Spain, France, Germany, Italy etc are in this round.

Scotland are represented by Aberdoon and St Johnstoon. Sadly, no Euro odyssey for Henhousemanure this year.

There is a seeding system of which the mighty Hammers are top dogs with the MASSIVE 16.0 rating! However, note that even Sheriff Tiraspol from Moldova are rated as 13.9. At the other end of the scale, Firefighters FC of Gibraltar are rated 0.3.

The seeding means that we are unlikely to get the dream draw of a tie against Slaven Bilic's home side Hadjuk Split as they have a seeding rating of 14.

There is a degree of regionalisation applied but UEFA are remaining coy as to how this actually works. We can thus dream of visits to the elusive Atlantis Klaipida of Lithuania and FC Gabala of Azerbaijan where undoubtedly the local Police have been dreaming for decades about having a go at misbehaving English football fans.

We could get drawn against clubs that have frankly foolish names or are embarrassingly small - so do not go bragging about the joys of European qualification until you are sure we aren't drawn against Odd Grenland, FC Bala or Airbus UK Broughton.

An Irish trip is on the cards - with St Patricks Athletic, Shamrock Rovers, Cork City (remember preseason last year!) and the "students" of University College Dublin all potentially on the menu. Norn Iron also have representation through Glenavon.

Your dedication to the Hammers cause could be sorely tested by potential trips to the financial, sociopolitical and culinary challenges that are KF Laci (Albania), Dinamo Batumi (Georgia) or the almightily long trip to Kairat Almaty of Kazakhstan.

Fingers crossed!

Saturday, 20 June 2015

Hammers Sign Great Dane

Get Down, Andy!

Errr, actually he's a really good Norwegian and here he is pictured in our fantastic new kit!

His name is Martin Samuelsen and at 18 years of age he is the hottest young talent from Norway. He has been at the Moonies academy for the past 3 years and has now switched to West ham after the recent clear out of the development squad and academy.

We all hope that the transition rate from under age levels increases under Mr Bilic and, of course, wish Martin every success!

Austin in for Six Million!

Not likely! Hammers target Chaz Austin may have signed for QPR for a bargain 4 million from Burnley, but West ham are rumoured to be on the verge of parting with as much as £15 million for the prolific hitman who managed 18 goals last season despite playing for relegated QPR. Even Steve Austin's value has risen since the 1970s with the proposed remake positing Mark Wallberg as the Six Billion dollar man!

All bets are off at present with rumours that new boss Slaven Bilic has identified Austin as his preferred striking target. Moreover, interest from Chelsea, Liverpool and Newcastle has waned with a move across London seeming more attractive in terms of likely game time and opportunity to join a rising tide rather than be forced to repeat his heroics of last season in trying to stage a one-man rescue of QPR ( yes, we are talking about YOU Newcastle!).

However, 15 million seems a lot for a player who has only a year to run on his current contract and who with his recent England call up will almost certainly demand to leave QPR anyway in search of all-important Premiership action. Add in the fact that Austin has previously sustained a dislocated shoulder (which is a notoriously recurring injury) and Tony Fernandes' lot will surely settle for a figure closer to ten million.

Night fever night feeeeevrrrr, you do t have to...
Then again, it depends on whether the deal includes the advertised 'bionic transport and repair station'  as this would be pretty handy with Andy Injury also on the squad!

Mark Noble will hardly be worrying that his spot kick responsibilities will be threatened as Chaz missed two last season- including one against our SuperAdrian!

Either way, Austin would be a great capture.

Bilic Ponders Valencia Conundrum

West ham's biggest signing last Summer was Ecuadorian forward Enner Valencia who arrived for 12 million from the Mexican League. Valencia enjoyed an impressive World cup, demonstrating excellent technique, speed and a notable goalscoring prowess.

His time at West ham began well, as he teamed up with the on-fire Diafra Sakho forming a formidable striking partnership that thrust the Hammers to the dizzy heights of fourth place by Christmas.

Along the way Valencia notched up a few strikes but seemed unlucky not to score more with a series of close misses. None the less, the omens were good, with his stunning strike against Hull a goal to remind us all that he is world class if given space and time.

But it hasn't kicked on for the Ecuadorian. Ultimately he managed just 4 goals all season despite being given his preferred free role on the left wing for much of the time. Interestingly, this contrasts with his performances at International level where he keeps banging in the goals at a rate greater than one every second game - as poor Mexico found out last night!

The challenge of adjusting to life in a new continent for a lad who previously worked as a farm hand in Ecuador cannot be underestimated ( but was perhaps overstated by Sam Allardyce who fretted that the lad might mistakenly eat dog food due to language difficulties!). He also had the misfortune of sustaining a nasty foot injury in a freak domestic accident that kept him out of action gor a (brief) spell. Moreover, the rumours of interest from Chelsea may have also distracted the lad.

Next season will see a new style under Bilic that will surely better suit the talented Ecuadorian who will also now be fully acclimatised to the speed and aggression of the Premiership. The return of Sakho et al to full fitness will also help.....

All in all its looking like 2015/6 could well be Valencia's season to really shine. Having put in the hard work supporting his acclimatisation, the Hammers will be looking forward to reaping the rewards of their patience!

Friday, 19 June 2015

The contrasting fortunes of Bilic and Stimac

Over our history, West ham have enjoyed the services of four Croatians - strikers Davor Suker (2000-1) and Mladen Petric (Sept-Dec 2013) along with centre backs Igor Stimac (1999-2001) and Slaven Bilic (1996-7).

The four have had mixed fortunes, with Suker arriving at the end of a glittering career for an injury-prone season that delivered two goals in eleven appearances, Petric providing a couple of months attacking cover during an injury crisis with three unfruitful appearances, Stimac was a useful capture from Derby County and provided robust defensive cover with 43 appearances over two seasons, while Bilic enjoyed a hugely impressive spell with 48 appearances over 2 years before being snapped up by Everton (ed note: we will no longer sell our best players to the likes of Everton and Spurs when we are in the OS!).

Petric is now seeing out the final part of his career with Panathinaikos, Suker is the President of the Croation football association, Bilic has just arrived at West ham with a whirlwind of good feeling, while for Igor Stimac times are tough having recently got back into management after a break enforced by his sacking from the Croatian national team managers berth. Stimac was handed the role of manager at Zadar in January - something of a poisoned chalice given that they were rooted to the foot of the Croatian Premier League and subsequently relegated after a plucky but unsuccessful fight to beat the drop.

Stimac has been given the nod to rebuild Zadar but this is a daunting task in a country where footie energies focus upon the rivalry of the 'eternal derby' between Dinamo Zagreb and Hadjuk Split. Moreover, support in Zadar is at an all time low due to fan's disatisfaction with both on and off-field performances.

Bilic and Stimac formed an impressive centre back partnership for Croatia during their most successful period around the 1998 World Cup where they were unlucky to finish third. The link between the pair was undoubtedly helped by the fact that both come from the Hadjuk Split side of the Croatian football divide, having both served as player and manager.

Looking at their respective records as National team coach you have to feel sorry for Stimac. He inherited the role from Bilic in 2012 after a hugely successful 6 year period during which Bilic's win rate was 65%!!! Stimac managed a respectable 53% success rate over the following 15 months but was sacked after a run of poor performances that included a fortunate draw with arch rivals Serbia and, finally, a defeat to mighty Scotland!

Right now they face contrasting battles in the season ahead. We wish both the very best of fortune, and never forget.....Mrzin Dinamo!

HOLD ON! Take a closer look at the neck of the new strip???

The new kit was unveiled this morning to much praise from fans. The pics look great and the added design about the Boleyn should make it an eternal classic.

However, all we have seen are pics - take a closer look at the neck....the blue is sewn ON TOP OF the collar....YEUCHHH!!!

It looks all 'flappy'...

What do you think? Have Umbro come close but ultimately messed up?

New Kit Release: Dance Like a Robot.....from 1994!!!'s out at last. The final Boleyn strip is available for fans to parade to all and sundry.

Perhaps not so surprising is that the strip is relatively conservative in design, with the closest past example to our minds being the 1994 classic.

We are giving in an 8.5 out of 10. The lost points are for the absence of double claret rings to supplement the collar and sleeve ends. Otherwise, we like it!

As an aside, the players selected to model the strip are usually destined to remain at the club for the forseeable future - hence Winston Reid, Diafra Sakho and Andy Carroll have done the needful.

Lets hope its Song, Jenks and Chaz Austin for the away jersey!

Thursday, 18 June 2015

West Ham Reveal Revolutionary New kit

Its a real chore having to fork out for a new uniform every year. The fact that its utterly useless apart from an initial week of mirror posing and (home) matchdays is an added reason to resent being shafted for £60 every year. Grrrr.

But hold on a second, those soccer-socialistas at fortress Boleyn have decided to supplement 'affordable' footie at the new stadium with 'versatile' club apparel!!!

I can just see BM in this back in the day...

The jersey is specially designed for use during non-fan duties and, if you have a pointless job in the civil service, it could even be worn in to work! It will undoubtedly get a bit hot for Nobes and the lads - especially in the July Europa Carnival, but when November bites with trips to Newcastle and other Nordic regions, both fans and players will be singing the praises of the new woolly kit.

And it has all harlequin bits, like a lopsided claret n blue Croatia kit!


Bilic to step up interest in Balic and the 'Little Bolic'

Balic in action for Hadjuk Split

Slaven Bilic's arrival at West ham signals a new era at the club. He has wasted no time in assembling an impressive coaching team that includes those who assisted him during his impressive spell as U21 and full manager of the  Croatian National team.

West ham fans will be hoping that his role at the club will attract young talent, including the very best from his native country. Not surprisingly, attentions have turned to young Andrija Balic - reckoned by some to be 'the new Modric'. Tottenham tried to sign the youngster last Summer, but his father (who is also his agent) blocked the move stating that at 16 years old, he was too young to move abroad.

Balic and Vlasic - targets for a double swoop?
But now Balic is a year older and has enjoyed a successful season playing in the Hadjuk Split midfield where he notched an impressive 6 goals alongside fellow starlet Nikola Vlasic. Balic's father may well be happier to let the young talent move to a club where the boss is both a Croatian and Hadjuk Split legend? Check out the video clip below to view the talented kid in action - you can see why he's considered a 'little Modric'!

Meanwhile, VERYWESTHAM continue their scouting trip to Croatia where they have unearthed another potential Hammers target - young Rori Maric. On top scout noted that the kid reminded him of Ivica Bolic - the Bosnian who ended Man United unbeaten home record in the Champions league by scoring for visiting Fenerbahce in 1996!

The impressive Bolic in action!
We wholeheartedly agree and given his antipathy towards Manchester United, we think he is a proper little Bolic!

'The Little Bolic' and his agent, Davor.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Bilic to catch the Gooners cold

With the fixture list for next season announced today, Hammers fans will be salivating at the chance to put one over on the Gooners of Middle Arse at the Emirates on day one. By then, the Europa-bound Hammers will be well into their 2015/6 campaign and could catch the Arse-n-alls ring rusty!

Given our annoyingly poor record against Arsene Wenger's metrosexual outfit, an early season scalp would be delicious.

Otherwise, Slaven Bilic has an interesting entrance to the Premiership with three 'soft' home ties alongside away trips to Arsenal, Man City and Liverpool in the first six games.

If we find ourselves in squeeky-bum territory towards the end of the season we will be travelling to the Brittannia Stadium to face Stoke City on the final day of the season. Hmmm!

August 2015

Show last 5 matches and coverageCompetitionFixtureDateKick-offStatus
Premier League Sat 8 Aug15:00
Premier League Sat 15 Aug15:00
Premier League Sat 22 Aug15:00
Premier League Sat 29 Aug15:00

September 2015

Show last 5 matches and coverageCompetitionFixtureDateKick-offStatus
Premier League Sat 12 Sep15:00
Premier League Sat 19 Sep15:00
Premier League Sat 26 Sep15:00

October 2015

Show last 5 matches and coverageCompetitionFixtureDateKick-offStatus
Premier League Sat 3 Oct15:00
Premier League Sat 17 Oct15:00
Premier League Sat 24 Oct15:00
Premier League Sat 31 Oct15:00

November 2015

Show last 5 matches and coverageCompetitionFixtureDateKick-offStatus
Premier League Sat 7 Nov15:00
Premier League Sat 21 Nov15:00
Premier League Sat 28 Nov15:00

December 2015

Show last 5 matches and coverageCompetitionFixtureDateKick-offStatus
Premier League Sat 5 Dec15:00
Premier League Sat 12 Dec15:00
Premier League Sat 19 Dec15:00
Premier League Sat 26 Dec15:00
Premier League Mon 28 Dec15:00

January 2016

Show last 5 matches and coverageCompetitionFixtureDateKick-offStatus
Premier League Sat 2 Jan15:00
Premier League Tue 12 Jan19:45
Premier League Sat 16 Jan15:00
Premier League Sat 23 Jan15:00

February 2016

Show last 5 matches and coverageCompetitionFixtureDateKick-offStatus
Premier League Tue 2 Feb19:45
Premier League Sat 6 Feb15:00
Premier League Sat 13 Feb15:00
Premier League Sat 27 Feb15:00

March 2016

Show last 5 matches and coverageCompetitionFixtureDateKick-offStatus
Premier League Tue 1 Mar19:45
Premier League Sat 5 Mar15:00
Premier League Sat 12 Mar15:00
Premier League Sat 19 Mar15:00

April 2016

Show last 5 matches and coverageCompetitionFixtureDateKick-offStatus
Premier League Sat 2 Apr15:00
Premier League Sat 9 Apr15:00
Premier League Sat 16 Apr15:00
Premier League Sat 23 Apr15:00
Premier League Sat 30 Apr15:00

May 2016

Show last 5 matches and coverageCompetitionFixtureDateKick-offStatus
Premier League Sat 7 May15:00
Premier League Sun 15 May15:00