Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Hammers Look to Teenage Kicks

The drab end of season fare that Hammers fans are enduring was brightened up by the contributions of young Reece Burke last weekend signalling that with little else left to this season West Ham may as well give the yoof a chance.

For Hammers fans, the hiatus has provided an opportunity to explore the other regions of their existence that sometimes get relegated to second place in our energies.

For the VERYWESTHAM crew this has resulted in a return to the musical mayhem of Punk rock, with chief blogger DM maintaining the proud Hammers tradition of punk rocking with Dublin's finest Sonic buzzsaw bashers The Hounds in the annual Songs of Social Protest conference.

Expect Teenage Kicks, Pretty Vacant and Smells Like Teen Spirit as the Hammers faithful bring musical mayhem to the Main Auditorium at the University of Limericks GEMS tomorrow.

Will they Play it again Sam?

Monday, 27 April 2015

Adrian: It's done with magnets!

Top stopper Adrian San Miguel once again saved an underperforming Hammers on Saturday. The Spanish spiderman pulled off his third consecutive penalty save, prompting some observers to speculate that he may never be beaten again!

The save sets a new Premiership record and also calls for the popular netminder to receive the Hammer of the year award.

Top sports scientists believe that the Spaniard has secretly developed a magnet system for plastic that when activated, attract the ball towards a particular side of the goal and towards Adrian's waiting gloves!

Adrian himself has attributed his success to mind tricks, which in themselves represent a form of psychological magnetism.

Either way, he's one of the few positives in a team who have lost their mojo and stumbled to a 0-0 snoredraw with the Premierships worst defensive side.

Bring on the Summer and holidays in Spain accompanied by a few bottles of Adrian!

Friday, 24 April 2015

West Ham to swoop for N'Zogbia

As rumours persist that West Ham's stylish midfielder Alex Song will depart the Boleyn at the end of this season, it's clear that his exit would create a massive hole in the squad that will require major investment to fill.

Song, known for his scintillating on field play for the early part of his time at West Ham, has dealt with his slump in form by diversifying into comedic dress. One name that has emerged as a front runner that would surely keep the fans happy (and amused) is Aston Villa's Charles N'Zogbia who has consistently topped the Premiership ridicularse fashion ratings this season.

However, with the return to action of Andy Carroll, next season's squad may have just enough cover in the fashionista department.

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Hammers star arrested by police

These are pretty dull times down at Upton Park as we stumble home after a Premiership season that promised soooo much but drivelled out into nothing of consequence.

Not surprisingly, many fans have let their boredom get the better of them - with reports of a massive increase in presentations to Basildon University hospital with gardening and DIY-related injuries.

Now it seems that the pointlessness of our season has gotten to the players, with Alex Song resorting to dressing like a plonker just to amuse and titillate the suicidally bored fans. Sadly for Song, the fashion police have decided that his latest 'outfit' is a style-atrocity too far and duly arrested him earlier today.

 Is there no end to what our modestly reimbursed staff will do to enhance our Hammers experience?

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Why do so many teams rediscover their form when they play us?


At VERYWESTHAM we know many things about the Hammers but we have no coherent answer for this well established phenomenon!

At least the card count remains at zero for us...after Burnley's disciplinary bloodbath yesterday (two yellows and one red)

Keep the chins up lads. Still only 2-0, a set piece goal and they will get nervy......probably.

If we are getting totally tonked maybe am could finally let Reece Burke have a run out.

Pkease dont let Frank the Tank score.....PLEEEEEZZZE!

Lampard Leads the Wounded Animal to Battle

If you're gonna play it out of tune,
Then play it out of tune properly!
The teams have been announced and Hammers favourite bad guy Frank Junior will start for a strong Man City side, while Carlton 'Killer' Cole replaces the injured Diafra Sakho.

Lampard is 7/4 to score during today's match and 50/1 to bag a hat trick!

Much has been made of the Moonies poor form of late as they have been likened to a wounded animal ready to punish some unsuspecting foe. Let's hope they don't rediscover their goalscoring form against us today.

MAN CITY: Hart, Demichelis, Zabaleta, Kolarov, Mangala, Silva, Toure (c), Fernando, Navas, Lampard, Aguero

SUBS: Caballero, Sagna, Boyata, Fernandinho, Nasri, Dzeko, Pozo

WEST HAM: Adrian, Reid, Cresswell, Kouyate, Downing, Noble (c), Jenkinson, Collins, Cole, Song, Valencia

SUBS: Jaaskelainen, Nolan, Jarvis, Nene, O'Brien, Amalfitano, Burke

Saturday, 18 April 2015

Europa League Watch: a good day for the Hammers

After a decidedly iffy weekend last week where West Ham picked up a string of needless yellow cards, Sam's troops will be looking to keep the cautions to a minimum against Man City and be ultra nice to the match officials as we hope to maintain our precarious position at the top of the Premiership Fair Play League.

With Liverpool likely to pick up a European spot through the front door, relegation threatened Burnley are the Hammers biggest rivals for the Europa League place. Today saw the Clarets travel to Goodison where the whingy Scouse crowd usually hector the referee into more than a fair share of cards for the visitors. And so it was today, as Burnley picked up two yellows and a red!

Let's hope we can avoid a similar disciplinary blood bath at the Moonies tomorrow.

Neighbourhood Watch: Lions slide, O's walloped while Daggers push on.

Poor Millwall are looking doomed to slide into League One despite picking up an away point at Cardiff. It seems that they cannot recover from the early season genius of having an ex-West Ham captain to the helm! Three games to go and they need two wins and a draw to stand a realistic chance of staying up.

Meanwhile, Barry Hearn's quest to pinch the Olympic Stadium from big bullies at West Ham will have to go on hold as his side were thumped 6-1 by an MK Dons side adorned with ex-Hammers Jordan Spence and Rob Hall, the latter scoring. The O's are now in the relegation zone which can only serve to emphasize the absurdity of their claims for a stake in a 60,000 seater stadium!

Meanwhile the Daggers won 3-2 at Newport.

The injustice continued at Sheffield United where they could only manage a home draw against Bradford and now will look forward to another dose of tragedy in yet another League one playoff campaign. Sad stuff indeed, and all West Ham's fault.

Hammers Maguire on Fire!!!

As West ham look deep into their squad for attacking talent to fill the gaps caused by the absence of Andy C and Diafra Sakho, the development squad's Sean Maguire looks to finally realising his potential whilst on loan at League 2 Accrington.

Maguire is on a goalscoring run, and was the hero today against Stevenage as he slotted twice to earn his side a useful point. This was all the more impressive given that Accrington's Nicky Huny (no that's not rhyming slang) lived up to his name by getting himself sent off in the second minute of the game for fighting!!!

Maguire was labelled the Irish Messi whilst at Waterford United (no pressure then!) in the League of Ireland and now in his second loan spell looks to be coming of age.

Insider reveals the identity of the outsider to be Sam's replacement

Who is this 'stranger'???

As speculation grows and grows regarding the identity of potential replacements for Sam Allardyce at West Ham, we can reveal that the person who will ultimately take the helm has not yet even been mentioned in the media!

With Moyes, Bilic, the German bloke etc all being rumoured the be in secret talks with the Davids and Lady Brady, there is a secret outsider who is yet to make their move. But, one wonders, who is this "etranger"?

First up, thee is the possibility of Teddy Sheringham - not very experienced as the head honcho, but popular amongst the staff and there can be no doubting that his contribution to the more entertaining Hammers style of this season has been a big plus. All the same, a rooky and rates at 250/1.

Then there's Hammers legend Alan Devonshire who only yesterday refused a new managerial contract at mighty Braintree town and is thus a free agent. Lacking in top level experience but definitely on the rise. 240/1.

Or how about ladies man, julian Dicks? Certainly a good motivator But his forthright style might make even Big Sam seem like a softie. 300/1.

Keeping with sentimentality, how about Paolo Di Canio? His Slumbrrrland adventure may have ended quickly (and badly) but he did well at Swindon pror to that and we certainly wouldnt get bored. 150/1.

And finally, a potential player managr role for Kevin Nolan would allow for continuity in management style and whatever about whats left in those ageing legs, Captain Kev is a leader off the pitch. 100/1.

Anybody wanna add to the outsiders list?

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Ex-Hammer in Chipshop Brawl

Valon and Johan exchange some banter over whether Alex Song's goal against the Arse earlier this season should have been allowed

Top hairdressing stylist Vidal Sassoon has expressed outrage at news of an incident at the weekend wherein ex-Hammer Valon Behrami's hair was ruffled out of shape in a fight inside a chipshop. Playing these days for FC Cheeseburger, who are at the bottom of the Bundesliga menu, reports indicate that he was assaulted by team'mate' Johan Djourou, who readers will remember used to play for the Gooners of middle earth.

Behrami is said to be recovering in a hairdressing intensive care unit where they are remodelling his bonnet so that he can return to his duties as a top soccer hair model.

In happier times playing for Chelsea (away)

Behrami will unoubtedly be missing the happier days he spent at West ham between 2008 and 2011 when he put in 58 catwalk appearances and also, it should be admitted, patrolled the Hammers midfield with much energy and tenacity. Moreover, despite his Swiss footballing allegiance, he is probably the only Albanian to ever play for the Hammers.

Meanwhile, the local press have turned against their club by including a blank page in their sports section with the heading 'reasons to feel positive about Hamburg'.

Meanwhile, Croatian striker Ivica Olic has made an impassioned plea for unity within the squad by revealing in an interview that Cristiano Ronaldo couldnt save the team at this stage.

Would Valon, who is now 29 years old, be welcome back at Upton Park if Hamburg get relegated?

More importantly, Should top soccer stars be banned from hanging out in fast food outlets during matches?

Should Cristiano Ronaldo help out the under fire German side?

Is Ivica Olic related to Jermain Defoe?

Should Vidal Sassoon keep his mits out of top soccer issues?

Since West ham's Premiership season is stone cold, we promise to keep you abreast of any scrap of Hammers news that could be considered even vaguely titillating.

Saturday, 11 April 2015

In the time of chimpanzees i was a monkey

We're too sexy...

The words of the old Beck classic come to mind as two sides on losing streaks - West ham (4 of their last five) and Stoke City (last three) - come together to try and end their respective bad runs.

West Ham are close to full strength with Enner Valencia available again, while Stoke's side reads like a Republic of Ireland teamsheet with Glenn Whelan, Mark Wilson, Jon Walters and Stephen (not) Ireland likely to start.

West ham will be watching the caution count as they still harbour hopes of a back door entry to the Europa League via the fair play ratings system. Avoiding cautions against a physically robust Potters side will be a considerable challenge.

Hammers, we are coming for Ya!
Meanwhile, Stoke boss Mark Hughes has bemoaned the perceived lack of 'sex' appeal amongst British-born managers citing Sam Allardyce and himself as examples of underappreciated managerial (presumably) sex gods. In bad news for Stoke, they have been forced to widen the pitch at the Brittania stadium in order to comply with Premier League requirements for next season - a change that will undoubtedly impact upon their ability to compress games into tight physical encounters.

Either way, somebody is gonna lose their loser status today. We predict a 1-1 'thriller'. Our intrepid reporter Patrick 'Jeremy' Paxman will be in attendance to watch the ballet!

Monday, 6 April 2015

Hammers Ace links with Brazilian Legend for Turkish Delight

Aw Shucks!

As a profligate West ham side lick their collective wounds after failing to overcome Premiership whipping boys Leicester city, news continues to filter in of the return to form of forward Ricardo Vaz Te. Currently on loan with Turkish side Akhisar Belediyespor, Vaz Te is thriving under the management of Brazilian legend Roberto Carlos and has played a crucial role in firing the relegation threatened outfit to safety and beyond. With three goals in six appearances, including a brace at the weekend, Vaz Te has won the affections of the passionate Turks and as Hammers fans know, Ricky is a confidence player who can be sensational when in the mood.

Soonafter his arrival from Bradford, Vaz Te revitalised West ham's charge for promotion a few seasons back and will always be remembered fondly for his Play off final clincher. Sadly, this proved to be the peak of his Hammers career as he subsequently struggled with injuries and erratic form. Now seemingly back to his best, and still only 28 years old, is there a place for Ricky in next seasons squad?

Meanwhile, West ham's other offensive reject Modi Maiga netted a hat trick for Metz at the weekend, strengthening his bid for a final departure from the ranks.

Neglected Hammers Youth Turns to the Occult

Sam: Look into our eyes...and select us

Just exactly what were West ham playing for on Saturday? With hopes of European qualification through the front door long gone, there's no getting away from the fact that we are just playing out the season. Surely, but surely, these dead rubbers provide ideal opportunity to give our up and coming talent a run. Alas, not one of our developing squad even made the bench on Saturday!!!

The Europa league fair-play slot is the one remaining prize on offer. This presents a somewhat dubious reward as it does not come with any increased allowance in squad size and would undoubtedly seriously stretch our resources as we prepare for the new Stadium.

If Allardyce is to remain at the helm, there seems little likelihood that our younger players will ever get a run out. Moreover, it is equally likely that Sam will bring in additional 'experienced' players thus limiting playing time and squad places.

Maybe Jenks, Reid and Cressy were doing us all a favour on Saturday by picking up unneccessary cautions. In contrast, Kevin Nolan was pulling out of any fifty-fifty challenges, presumably to avoid a yellow card And boost our fair play ratings.

Perhaps its also time that we realised that, despite the substantial improvements of the past few years, we are not yet ready for Europe and the Europa league is a booby prize that requires tedious Thursday night trips to Monroviana and Rhazakstan and Rowackia to wrestle with mediocre sides for no meaningful outcome.

Let's get stuck in against the Orcs next week - a healthy card count might for once be welcome!

And give the kids a chance...if you neglect them too much they will turn bad, or even worse, desert us for our rivals.

Saturday, 4 April 2015

What are you four clowns in defence doing?

In shocking scenes today at Leicester City, Europa wannabes West Ham United managed to sabotage yheir European hopes as each of their four defensive starters managed to pick up a caution.

The game concluded with Hammers faithful in shock and disbelief at their 'heroes' astounding lack of discipline.

Less importantly, they also lost the game 2-1 to a late strike from some Leicester player.

Already the conspiracy theoristsa are interpreting the events of today as evidence that Sam's overworked defence do not want their season to commence in the first week of July with the preliminary round of the Europa League.

Elsewhere, Liveroool who are the key challengers for the top spot in the fair play league lost 4-1 but managed to avoid picking up any cautions and will npw likely topple the foolish Hammers, and with it their European hopes.


West ham call upon American Soccer Guru ahead of Leicester Clash

Let's hope there aren't too many tedious goal stoppages!

Are you ready for a flashbulb moment?....Hardly likely today folks with a hopelessly midtable Hammers facing the desperate Foxes we can expect a turgid affair. With the need to avoid yellow and red cards, whilst treating the referee with absolute politeness (not easy for an away side where somebody needs to speak against the baying home horde!), along with the uncertainty over Big Sam's future (yes - we are suggesting that players try harder to avoid injuries when they know that they could be looking for a new club in the Summer), we needn't expect blood and guts from our lot.

And then there's the Foxes recent good run of form where their results have not done their performances justice. They deserve a lucky break, we got ours against Slumberland last time out.

Then again, fortune favours the errrrrrrrr...no, not brave, actually its usually the side not in relegation trouble. In contrast, those down in the danger zone always seem to attract calamitous bad luck (as Hammers fans know only to well from previous campaigns). In a classic example of such ill-fortune, Leicester lost our 4-3 to a soft goal and a poor penalty against Spurs.

With the Europa League issue still alive one suspects that many Hammers fans will be more interested in the card count than the score!

Which provides an ideal opportunity to revisit the genius sports commentary of Bob Boonah - a man only too aware of the crucial importance of "Yellow Cardies".....click on Bob for an instalment of Britball!