Thursday 8 January 2015

Hammers star Victim of Knife Attack Ahead of Swansea Trip

No shit, Sherlock!

In scenes reminiscent of the awful knife attack a few years back on Hammers star Calum Davenport, the sinister goings on at 'Carroll-Castle' took a macabre turn today as it emerged that West Ham's star striker Andy Carroll barely survived an altercation with a knife!


In an effort to make light of the sordid affair, Carroll posted a pic of the injury on Instagram with a jovial caption, but ex-Hammer and crack detective Mattie 'Sherlock' Holmes revealed that private investigators are following a number of definite lines of inquiry regarding the incident...

One theory is that the relationship between Carroll and Billi Mucklow has spiralled out of control to include the ancient khoikhoi rite of digit removal as a symbol of their eternal commitment! After recent revelations about the interior decor of their abode, many fans feel that anything is possible from the aesthetically-challenged couple


An alternate possibility is that Andy has decided to follow the example of an Aussie serial killer, Ivan Milat, who posted his amputated finger to the high court as a protest against prison conditions. Ahead of the Swansea game, it is thought that Andy may be highlighting the cruel injustice that was the Cheating Chico Flores sending off affair in last season's clash.

New images of the Kennedy assassination...

Another possibility is that Andy is trying to set an example to young Jack Sullivan as to how he can truly apologise for his foolish and insulting comments on twitty during the midweek FA cup tie versus Everton, wherein the young cad suggested that Andy was on the skive feigning injury to celebrate his birthday! According to the Japanese ritual of 'Yubitsume' or finger shortening, proof of sincere apology requires removal of part of one's digit.

Finally, detective Holmes has suggested that the increasing West African presence in the Premiership may be bringing some added cultural dimensions, noting that men who die without producing offspring have their fingers severed and placed as an anal suppository to  shame the corpse into reincarnating as a hyper fertile female...Andy's modest ten goals in two years for West Ham is thought to be slightly higher than that which might justify such ritualistic behaviour.

Poiret: another of the growing Belgian contingent in the Premiership
Meanwhile, current Hammers star Diego Poiret has suggested that in an effort to prevent Andy wreaking his usual havoc against a vulnerable Swansea defence, Gary Monk may have hired knife sharpeners to sneak into Andy's kitchen and hypersharpen the utensils in an effort to cause an injury that might cause him to miss the match.

At VERYWESTHAM we think he's been watching a few stagnight-themed movies ahead of his marriage to Billi.

Teddy!?! Is Sheringham in on it as well?


COYI!!!
at

28 comments:

  1. Anonymous8 January 2015 at 12:23

    Didn't he dislocate that finger last season?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous8 January 2015 at 12:52

    A one man Wolf pack!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous8 January 2015 at 13:18

    Alan Alan Alan

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous8 January 2015 at 18:38

    What a stupid fucking article

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous9 January 2015 at 00:22

      Ooogh! We do so love it when roughchaws come to visit our site. Do you swear often? Are you really strong as well?

      Delete
  5. ed9 January 2015 at 00:20

    Thanks for your wisdom
    Did you feel we could have juxtaposed the domestic incident more closely with a theme of self-mutilation? Or was the overall theme excessively voyeuristic for your personal simple tastes?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous9 January 2015 at 03:36

    To be fair, 18.38 is right. I'm well aware of the irony that by posting on your site I am tacitly endorsing the credible validity you seek in your quest to reap remuneration through possible advertising, but I am prepared to sacrifice a scintila of dignity to endorse the assertion that this website is dross on so many levels. I mean, it really is bad. Really bad. There are a plethora of extraordinarily bad West Ham 'fans' websites. Some even earn a nice little wedge. Not enough to retire, but enough to make it worthwhile. So, if those sites, lacking as they do any meaningful narrative or genuinely comedic West Ham related material, are managing a degree of measurable success, and this awful excuse for a 'fans' site is clearly scraping what's left from the bottom of a very empty barrel, I must ask the question again?Can you really not see how bad it is. I mean,staggeringly poor. Do you really not see that? Really?? :-) Just a little constructive criticism, i'm sure you've heard worse!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ed9 January 2015 at 12:35

      Fascinating! First up, VWH does not benefit from advertising revenue or other commercial elements. Part of our mission is to ridicule such aspects of the game/industry. Secondly, our aim is to spread a little craziness through this increasingly tedious and over commercialised game that we all love. Thirdly, its clear that you are not a Hammer and may be don't get some of the references to former players / events etc. Perhaps you should leave it to those who do. Finally, the format is deliberately different and a little 'scratchy' as we believe that it suits our general ethos.

      Thanks for the feedback but I think the Jam didn't get too worried about feedback from fans of Heavy Metal, so let's agree to differ. If you change your mind we will still be here lampooning our players in the years to come.
      Cheers!

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9 January 2015 at 12:53

      Out of order. West ham fan sites are more than decent and also pretty varied. This one is pretty nuts but its good to have one thats a bit different even if its not every ones cuppa

      Delete
    3. bazzabubs9 January 2015 at 12:58

      I smell Millwall...

      Delete
  7. Anonymous9 January 2015 at 08:46

    I hate to be 'that guy' but you shouldn't really be making light of what happened to Callum davenport and his family. It was an awful tragedy and comparing it to Carrolls papercut is pretty messed up and not even funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Verywestham9 January 2015 at 12:22

      This is a geninety interesting point. The Davenport affair was indeed tragic but this in no way adds to that other than to remind us that it happened and in a lighthearted way. Sorry if you thought that messed up. We just think it's playful and, in all honesty, harmless stuff. If we thought it truly offensive to Callum we would remove it. Our policy when pulling the wire about 'our' players is to ask whether we think the player them self would laugh or consider the remarks silly, rather than unpleasant. We think this works for us. Thanks for the thoughts.

      Delete
  8. Anonymous9 January 2015 at 11:35

    Click bate rubbish make the most of the hits and presumably advertising revenue, we won't be back

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ed9 January 2015 at 12:13

      Actually, there is no commercial element to verywestham! We do this for fun! If Andy wants to post pics of every minor event in his life then we will gobble it up and regurgitate it, plus some.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9 January 2015 at 12:21

      Fair enough just after the sensationalist headline a bit annoying to read the carroll finger story from earlier this week

      Delete
    3. Anonymous9 January 2015 at 12:40

      Agree. It's awful nonsense to be subjected to such stories- so let's exaggerate them to the point of total farce.....

      Delete
  9. Anonymous9 January 2015 at 11:47

    Poyet isn't Belgian you mugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous9 January 2015 at 12:09

      Poiret is though
      and he's a detective.

      Delete
  10. Anonymous9 January 2015 at 18:03

    What about teddy?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous12 January 2015 at 19:47

    Hello again, it's the 'non-Hammer' who apparently 'smells of Millwall'...(or was that aimed at this site?) to be fair to our four-wheeled cousins still waiting for electricity in the Bermondsey badlands, I was unfortunate enough to be at Wigan the day CC made me an enemy for life just before the plane flew over...I assume you know the event I refer to :-) From initial anger the mood among us turned to grudging respect and a little chuckle. THAT was funny, just as our readiness for 'Agent Lomas' initiatives were being heartedly debated in the Wakey last season - I assume you're still with me! How ironic then that in an attempt to be the 'CRAZY', (lol) 'FUNNY', (erm...) and I dare I say it an ill-informed, self-perceived notion of 'COOL' (ahem...) 'wild kids who just don't care', it's actually a little sad you let yourselves down massively. A lack of imagination, witless dross, irrelevance in abundance, and a clearly genuine ignorance of what constitutes the genetic make up of a Hammer fan warts n'all, well...it's sort of embarrasing to US. If you were truly going to deploy insipid headlines and stories to make your 'crazy lampooning' (don't think much of yourselves do ya lol :-) of all things West Ham, i'm pretty sure most true Hammers would have cited Bishop/Morleygate to make their point as opposed to Calum Davenport. You see one is genuine folklore, bearing more conspiracy theories than JFK, and the other a tragic act to befall an irrelevance in my club's history. To summarise, like that day at Wigan, West Ham fans do appreciate irony, melancholy wit, banter with bite and caniving caricarturing. Unfortnately, this is a concept that appears remarkably absent from your poor, and in this instance, tasteless, parody of a website that could, but spectacularly fails, to deliver upon what could actually be quite a good idea. Lastly, and to provide a cursory nudge in the right direction, attempts to 'out-West Ham' someone else because you not happy about what they think is generally acknowledged as being the first refuge of the desperate. But then, being West Ham, you'd know,that wouldn't you ;-) PS...my learned friend was quite right, Poyet isn't Belgian, but then neither is Poiret. I think you'll find it was Poirot...if you're peddling crap, at least wear a pair of marigolds!

    ReplyDelete
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