Friday, 30 May 2014

Sheringham Demands Sartorial Elegance

The arrival of Teddy Sheringham as attacking coach for the all new swashbuckling West Ham represents an exciting era for excitement-hungry Hammers. Already the erudite former footballer has started to ring in the changes as he seeks to bring a return to our naturally audacious and flabuoyant selves.
We can reveal that the Sheringham wishlist includes a demand for a new bodacious kit and the West Ham board has immediately responded by acquiring the services of top International fashion mogul, the one and only Mugatu! The top Zoolander fashionista Teddy has already identified our stunningly poor away goals haul as a major area needing attention and designed an away-trips-up-North strip that will keep players warm during visits to freezing cold hell holes like Hull and Noocassel.

That's more like it
It is expected that much of his time will be focused upon designing a new away strip as last season's effort was remarkably bland and it is rumoured may have been mistaken for a Tottie-ham or Fulham shirt by some untrained eyes due to the preponderance of white rather than our traditional and sartorially elegant sky blue with double claret hoops outfit that is the envy of all top clubs around the world!
Otherwise, in recognition of the immense challenge at hand in order to get an Allardyce side scoring goals, Sheringham is rumoured to have decided to temporarily withdraw from his responsibilities as a top fashion-model judge in order to spend time eyeballing potential forwards for West Ham.
Sheringham has also hit out at sloppy dressing practices that include ill-fitting and aerodynamically poor onfield attire, with new signing Argentinian Mauro Zarate already under fire from the superfocussed Hammers attacking coach.



Monday, 26 May 2014

Hammers to swoop for Swansea hitman

Whether it's Teddy Sheringham or Les Ferdinand who takes on the role of attack coach at the Hammers next year, they may well be bolstered by the club's latest proposed offensive signing. With Bubbles the bear getting ever closer to retirement, the ever proactive board are considering an audacious move for Swansea's Cyril the Swan - possibly the most deadly of all of the Premiership Mascots.

Cyril's previous attacking record includes a stunning strike against Lenny the Lion during a mauling of the Millwall pussycat when the sides met some seasons back - a performance that grabbed Hammers fans attentions. After some routine argy bargy, the Swan proceeded to decapitate Lenny and drop kick his detached head into the crowd!

Reports indicate that Cyril has become disillusioned with the insipid family friendly atmosphere at Swansea under Gary wots-his-name and has become embroiled in a bitter dispute with Chico 'squealing' Flores and wants to spread his wings for a new challenge. Coupled with the philosophical switch at West Ham towards unbridled offensive aggression, it is believed that the new attack-minded ethos will extend to also include support staff.

The signing of Cyril will make for a partnership with Argentinian League top scorer - Mauro Zarate who joined the Hammers earlier this week. it is hoped that the pairing can prove as potent as the Zarate-Aguero strike team that helped Argentina U20's to a world cup victory in 2007. 

Sunday, 25 May 2014

Unlucky O's Come Up Zero

In the tightest of encounters today at Wembley Stadium, unlucky Leyton Orient missed out on promotion after a penalty shoot out. Rotherham came back from 2-0 down and then having been first to miss a penalty, but ultimately they crept home as Orient missed their final two spot kicks.

It's certainly a hard hit for the East Londoners, but hopefully they can spring back next year. Having worked with no transfer budget for last season, manager Russell Slade has worked minor miracles. maybe Mr Hearn could divert some of his considerable fortune towards a signing or two that could make all the difference next time.

Sincere commiserations from all the team at VERYWESTHAM

Hammers Prepare for Olympic Stadium Challenge

As our exotically named East London cousins at Orient take on mighty Rotherham in the League One Playoff Final today, rumours have already emerged that an Orient victory will be quickly followed by yet another legal challenge over use of the Olympic Stadium.

Amongst other new evidence that has emerged to support the Zero's claims include (1) their name begins with 'O' - just like the stadium! (2) Their massive home attendances (sometimes as high as 5000!!! mandate that they have use of an international stadium, and (3) Barry Hearn is a really nice bloke who should get his own way.

An Orient promotion would provide the mouthwatering propsect of the derby versus the Lions - which might make for an interesting challenge were they to come visiting the Hammers home ground due to stadium sharing.

With former FAI player of the year Dave Mooney up front they could well find themselves preparing for Millwall et al when the final whistle blows today.


The Z-Man brings Zombies back to Life

Guess which one he enjoyed more?
The Rangers of Queens Park looked truly dead and buried in yesterday's Chumpionship play off final when ex-Hammer Gaz 'Neil got sent off for a cynical professional foul. In a match that Derby dominated for large periods, it looked like a foregone conclusion that the eleven men would prevail and as extra time loomed, it seemed that another 30 minutes would seee the fatigue of playing with a man down would be all too much for the Queens and Park Rangers.

But then you do have to factor in the Zamora factor - The Z-man is well known and loved by his beloved Hammers for his big game antics, having previously fired the Hammers out of the Championship with a sublime strike in the 2005-6 campaign, and he was on hand as a supersub to emphasise to QPR fans what he is capable of when used properly by a motivating manager.

Although Bobby took most of the plaudits, there can be no overestimating the contribution of Robert Green who at times single-handedly kept the Parkside Rangers in the game with a string of stunning saves. You really have to wonder what QPR were thinking when they left Green bench warming for almost the entirety of their last Premiership season!

                                                                      Please play me!
QPR boss, Harry Redknapp is already rumoured to be considering assembling a full team of Hammers Zombies for the Premiership campaign next year with Frank Lampard, Joe Cole and Rio Ferdinand all looking for new opportunities. Either way, it should make for some exciting head to heads when we meet the Parkside Queens to collect our annual six points next year!

                                                       QPR? You're having a laugh mate!

Saturday, 17 May 2014

Come On You Shrimpers!!!

With the traditionally benign relationship with little Orient having been sullied by the endless whinging about the Olympic stadium from pugnacious Barry Hearn, many Hammers fans have adopted Southend as their ‘little’ team. With a host of players switching between the clubs over the years, no doubt Southend  will have some additional support today as they welcome Burton Albion to the East End on Sea for the League two semi-final second leg where they need to pull back from a 1-0 deficit from the first leg.

Let’s hope the Shrimpers do better today than they did when Bobby Moore ‘enjoyed’ his spell at the club!

Sunday, 11 May 2014

It's Holy War as Diame takes on Navas!

Yes indeed, the team sheets have been announced and the tension is building at the Etihad as nervous City prepare for their biggest test of the season. Such is the nature of the Premiership that it’s reach has now extended to include open combat between players names after religious prophets, with the top two global creeds duly represented by Mohamed Diame for the Hammers and Jesus Navas for City.

Undoubtedly, both sets of fans will be praying for a good result but will the exclusion of Jesus by Man City come back to haunt them?

Manchester City - Hart, Zabaleta, Kompany, Demichelis, Kolarov, Garcia, Toure, Nasri, Silva, Aguero, Dzeko.
Subs - Pantilimon, Lescott, Clichy, Milner, Fernandinho, Negredo, Jovetic

West Ham United - Adrian, Reid, McCartney, Nolan, Tomkins, Carroll, Taylor, Noble, O'Brien, Diame, Downing.
Subs - Jarvis, Armero, Vaz Te, Collins, Jaaskelainen, C.Cole, J.Cole
Meanwhile, we're off to listen to some decent speedpunk to calm ourselves down...

A Bunch of Fives– How West Ham CAN Topple Manchester City

As the 3.00 kick off draws ever closer, betting fans have become intrigued at the remarkable odds being offered against West Ham winning today. With most bookmakers have offered the insulting odds of between 14 and 16-1 against a Hammers’ victory, we wonder if perhaps the cleverclogses at Lad’s broke and Patsy Poormakers may for once have gotten it wrong.

With obvious Hammers-relevant examples of final day ‘giant’-killing heroics to look to, we switch codes to horse racing to find ways in which Big Sam can topple the irritatingly arrogant Citeh. Given the outrageous odds, we have focused on the apparent ‘nags’ – the 100-1 outsiders, who since 1839 have managed to defy the odds to win Horseracing’s premier event - the Grand National.

 1. 1928 - Tipperary Tim: The first 100-1 horse to win the Grand National was Tipperary Tim. As the race was about to start, Tipperary Tim's jockey William Dutton heard a friend call out "Billy boy, you'll only win if all the others fall down." However, as fate would have it, 41 of the 42 riders did fall down after a melee at the Canal Turn in treacherous weather conditions, leaving Tipperary Tim to win the race!

VERYWESTHAM: It is a distinct possibility that the prized throroughbreds of Citeh will panic when exposed to the considerable pressure of dealing with a determined and gritty Hammers side. In particular, Aguero and Demechelis may find some hair ruffling antics from Kevin Nolan all too much to handle and find themselves unable to complete the treacherous course for today’s fixture.

2. 1929 – Gregalach: One year after Tipperary Tim made history, Gregalach became the second successive 100-1 shot to win the Grand National. Gregalach's jockey Robert Everett rode a clever race in which he gradually gained ground on the leaders and overtook the legendary Easter Hero on the second to last fence, before winning the race by six lengths.

VERYWESTHAM: This game plan sounds awesomely familiar to observers of the astute and battle-hardened Allardisi – while the opponents go racing off displaying their immense prowess, Sam’s troops settle into their grim defensive duties, reducing the event to a war of attrition wherein the more resilient rather than more naturally talented prevail. A headed goal from Andy Carroll with 4 minutes to go comes to mind…

3. 1947 – Caughoo: The 1947 Grand National was complicated by the Aintree course becoming covered by a thick fog allowing 100-1 outsider Caughoo to stealthily creep around the course while other horses get lost and in many cases ending up lost on the course for hours! Even more delicious, it has been rumoured that Caughoo’s cunning jockey Eddie Dempsey hid behind a fence in the early stages of the race, only to emerge towards the end of the race and win by 20 lengths!

VERYWESTHAM: The weather forecast does not highlight fog as a major likelihood in the Manchester region today but undoubtedly the financially overendowed club have lost sight of the basic philosophy of fair competition that underpins the beautiful game, preferring to dish out tons of dosh to (talented) mercenaries with no affection for City or indeed the English game. This has recently extended to wilfully breaking financial fair-play rules. West Ham know only too well the consequences of fielding ineligible players – if City have exceeded agreed limits, should they be allowed to play the players who’s salaries and transfer fees have been responsible for the wrongdoing?

4. 1967 – Foinavon: Perhaps the most famous 100-1 winner of them all was Foinavon, who entered into Grand National folklore by winning the race amidst a mass pile-up and ended up having a fence named after him. Foinavon was lagging behind the other 27 remaining runners, as they approached the 23rd fence, where one horse lost control and caused an unmerciful melee. This had cleared by the time Foinavon made it to the fence and our hero was the only horse to jump the fence first time – and thus finding himself too far ahead for the chasing pack to catch up!

VERYWESTHAM: So City come out and batter West Ham for half an hour, going one up to lots of celebratory back slapping. Then it all grinds to a halt, the crowd get a bit jumpy. With 12 minutes to go, the flambuoyant and swashbuckling VERYWESTHAM Hammer of the Year Guy Demel pops up to double his career total goals haul (to 2). Sweaty pants time ensues…and them Demechelis panics, pulling Andy Carroll’s hair, who in turn puts on a Chico Flores-style howl and Mark Noble steps up to slot away the penalty. 2-1 to the believers.

5. 2009 - Mon Mome: A total of 42 years passed after Foinavon's victory, before Mon Mome became the next 100-1 winner of the Grand National in 2009. My Momo (Diame) won without major luck, but simply by virtue of underestimated talent and other over-rated horses not performing on the day.

VERYWESTHAM: Not so crazy as it sounds – Citeh have blown it before and are by no means unbeatable, even at the Etihad. The Hammers are a weird outfit – when up for it, and with a full team (probably both the case for today) they are very hard to score against and with Carroll and Nolan up front can always steal a sneaky goal. The insulting odds, Pelegrini’s arrogant presumption that the title is already won, and the memory of the severe thrashing an understrength Hammers side received from City in the Cup Semi-final will surely get the Hammers up for it.


16-1; we’ll have a tenner of that action thankyou very much!


Saturday, 10 May 2014

Hammers End of Season Surprise with EuropeanTrophy

Androgenous Andy
In unexpected news this evening, West Ham saw their season’s trophy haul increased considerably as Andy Carroll seized the Eurovision song contest while cleverly disguised as the Austrian entrant! The trophy will sit perfectly beside the club’s other European honours and is expected to look simply delightful nestled beside the 1965 Cup Winner’s Cup, 1999 Intertoto Cup, and 2013 Ciutat de Barcelona trophy!
Andy practises his cross-dressing look

Many fans will be relieved to have finally solved the mystery of what Andy was up to when he was abroad receiving treatment for an alleged ankle injury – sources close to Upton Park have revealed that he was secretly in hiding practising for the important European competition.  THe plantar Fasciitis stories that were used as a cover were recognised by many as too far-fetched to be believed!

Andy was unfortunately unavailable for comment as he is preparing to follow up his success tonight by ruining Man City’s Premiership title dreams tomorrow.

Vampires and Vandals: Hammers poised to Wreck Mancunian Dreams

"The West Ham performance was obscene"
Alex Ferguson after West Ham denied man United the Premiership title in 1992

Familiar territory for the Happy Hammers - last day of the season and involved in a crucial match that either way will end in tears of joy or relief. While City have already started celebrating the inevitability of the result and another Premiership title, but perhaps they should pause to reflect upon the Hammers history of wanton vandalism when it comes to smug and over confident almost champions.

While Citeh may have thumped West Ham twice already this season, Big Sam and the lads will almost certainly relish the opportunity to avenge the 6-0 cup semi final when, in fairness, an understrength West Ham struggled to field anything approaching a credible back four. Sadaly, the Hammers do not have the financial muscle to pay the likes of Joleon Lescott and Micah Richards to warm the bench.

Happily, the Hammers can field the first eleven for tomorrow's fixture - a side that at one point this season was in the top five European clubs for defensive performance statistics. If we can rediscover the defesive parsimony of early season, all we need is a free kick put up there for Andy Carroll and it'll be a very blue moon for Citeh!

Is there any way we can stop Liverpool winning as well?


Saturday, 3 May 2014

Cockneys to Cover Commodores Classic as East End Celebrates Treble Triumph

After 35 years of musical mayhem, those masterly streetpunksters in the Cockney Rejects were given a special surpirse by their beloved Hammers today who delivered their first ever treble over tragic neighbours, Tottenham Hotspurs with a resolute 2-0 thumping at the Boleyn groind.
The specially commissioned cover
As the Bubbles brigade celebrated dishing out yet another spanking to their closest rivals, rumours began to spread that the Rejects are planning to mark the occasion by recording an oi version of the Commodores classic 'Three Times a Lady' - a tune that is perfectly suited to some moshtastic treatment and could provide the veteran band with a major hit as Hammers fans look for a suitable tune to celebrate to.

It is expected that they will compose their own version of 'Can we play you every week' for the B-side to continue the marvellous mayhem.

Otherwise, VERYWESTHAM wishes Micky and the boyz a stonking gig tonight in Montbeliard, France.

The Treble is nigh - will it save Sam?


In a performance that totally contrasted with the poor form of recent weeks, the Hammers have put in a stellar first half performance against a lacklustre Spurs. Having dominated the opening exchanges, mainly due to a palpably greater hunger, the game has taken a significant twist when Stewart Downing broke free on goal and was hauled down by Younis Kaboul. After a few moments thought, referee Chris Dowd awarded a free kick right on the edge of the box, and sent Kaboul packing. Hugo Lloris pulled off a great save from the subsequent Andy Carroll piledriver, but could do nothing as the next move saw Carroll head home with a little help from a Harry Kane deflection.

It's been all Hammers since. Lloris made a series of excellent saves to keep it at 1-0 and with the Hammers penchant for failing to see off the game from winning positions (twenty times this season!!!), Hammers fans were inclined to sweat as they searched for the all important second goal.


and then it came - in a carbon-copy of the first goal, Noble broke through on goal and Dawson pulled hime down. Downing stepped up...


Mabe Spurs need to make Sam an offer in order to sort out that awful defence?

Spurs put out weakened team as they accept the inevitability of another defeat

The teams have just been announced and it looks like the pragmatic Tim Sherwood has decided to save his better players for next week's match as the likelihood of getting anything from today's tussle with their dominant East London neighbours is negligable.

VWH's North-West Correspondent meets Tom Huddlestone in his new Rock Career
The rather more bullish Sam Allardyce has recognised that the earlier thrashings of Spurs earlier this season have probably provided his finest hours in a season that has been otherwise blighted by false starts and injuries. Sensing the opportunity to create a piece of history, he has fielded an offensive Hammers side, augmented by the heavily-tattoed threat of Matt Taylor rather than poster boy Matt Jarvis. Georgie McCartney remains at left back despite a lack of pace down the left flank contributing to the only goal versus West Brom last week.

We predict a delicious 2-1 victory for the Hammers.

West Ham
Adrian, Reid, McCartney, Nolan, Tomkins, Carroll, Taylor, Noble, Demel, Diame, Downing.
Subs: Jarvis, Armero, Vaz Te, Collins, Jaaskelainen, C Cole, Nocerino.
 Tottenham Hotspur
Lloris; Naughton, Dawson, Kaboul, Rose; Lennon, Paulinho, Sigurdsson, Eriksen; Adebayor, Kane.
Subs: Friedel, Chiriches, Fryers, Bentaleb, Pritchard, Sandro, Soldado.

West Ham and Tottenham swap stars in transfer merry-go-round

The atmosphere is already building ahead of today's lunchtime clash between the warring factions of West Ham and Spurs. With the Hammers looking for a third victory over their neighbours this season, Spurs hoping to claim a Europa league spot, and both managers feeling the pressure of the likely post-season performance review, this will not be a dead rubber by any means!

For many, this clash will provoke mixed feelings, including the many players who have represented both clubs. We have compiled a first XI of double agents and ask – at the end of the day will they consider themselves primarily Hammers or Hotspurs?

Tony Parks: Long spell at Spurs as reserve goalie followed by a variety of spells at various clubs fulfilling stop-gap roles, including 6 appearances for the Hammers during the 1991-2 season. Verdict: Hotspur
Chris Hughton: Longstanding loyal servant at Spurs – tenacious and determined left back. Hammers got a decent run from him towards the end of a proud career. Both clubs have watched his  managerial successes with interest and after hise rcent departure from Norwich will be bearing him in mind for the future. Verdict : Hotspur.
Neil Ruddock: Top geezer - cheeky and great fun to watch – always close to the edge of acceptability! Not lacking in skill either. Two spells at Spurs and a decent two year stint at the Boleyn in a career that involved appearances for eight different clubs and a single England cap. Verdict: Score Draw!
Mitchell Thomas: Luton lad who had a decent five year spell at Tottenham and almost made full England honours but form dipped and move to West ham never quite got into second gear. Returned to Luton and then on to Burnley. Verdict: Hotspur.
Steve Walford: Brief spell at Spurs before moving to Arsenal where he won a cup winners medal in 1979. Moved to hammers where he had a successful five  year spell. Presently enjoying life as first team coach in the O'Neill-Keane management team at the Republic of Ireland last November. Presently a coach / scout at Sunderland. Verdict: Hammer.
Scott Parker: Almost singlehandedly kept Hammers up two seasons ago but forced to leave soon after a relegation despite being footballer of the year! Honest and industrious, albeit injury-prone. He never quite found his role in a rotating Spurs midfield where he was not the main man, unlike when he was at the Hammers and his initial club, Charlton. Just about to suffer another relegation at Fulham. Verdict : Hammer.
Michael Carrick: Classy midfielder who came through the Hammers youth system with Joe Cole and Frank Lampard etc. Stayed for a season after 2003 relegation but found physicality of the Championship testing and moved to Spurs for a short spell before Man United where he remains. Seems now to be finally peaking after many years in second gear! Verdict: Hammer.
Martin Peters: Part of the 1966 World Cup Boleyn triplets. Known as "the complete midfielder" as he could pass the ball well with either foot, was good in the air and difficult to mark because of his movement. His versatility was such that while he was at West Ham he played in every position in the team, including goalkeeper in his third game. Moved to Tottenham Hotspur in 1970 in Britain's first £200,000 transfer. Verdict: Hammer.
Les Ferdinand: Powerful and athletic striker – best periods at QPR and then Newcastle before these two clubs got a turn out of him towards the end of a glittering career. Mostly Spurs who enjoyed a decent spell from ’97-2003. Verdict: Hotspur.
Jermain Defoe: 'Nicked' by West Ham from Charlton youths - a lively little striker with a good nose for goal but who has never quite realised the potential evident when he engineered his move away from the relegated Hammers of 2004. Still may creep into Hodgson's world cup squad despite moving tp Canada in a lucrative deal.  Verdict: Hotspur.
Jimmy Greaves: Absolute legend and a gentleman. Britain’s most prolific striker of all time. Greaves played at Spurs from 1961 to 1970, scoring a club record of 266 goals in 379 matches. Washed that down with a season at the Boleyn where he enjoyed close friendships with some Hammers legends, especially Bobby Moore. Verdict: Hotspur.
Final Score
Spurs 6.5 vs Hammers 4.5

It's unlikely that Spurs will have it so easy today!

Come on you Irons!!!