Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Ravel Reveals his Real Motivations


As Hammers joint-Chairman David Gold seized the opportunity in a radio interview to extoll the virtues of Ravel Morrison, the prodigal son took to twitter to reassure Hammers fans of his commitment to his current 'real' employers as well as to discount rumours that he will only return to an Allardyce-free regime by labelling such talk as nonsense while  emphasising a desire to simply play ball - under any manager!
With QPR facing the treacherous workings of the Championship play-offs, no doubt young Morrison will be anxious to get back to the Premiership action for next year and perhaps a spell alongside Joey Barton - a Premiership standard player languishing in the lower league due to his behavioural and attitudinal intricacies, Ravel will hopefully be realising the need to match talent with discipline if he is to reach the heights that many have set for him.

After a hugely successful 15 match loan peroid at QPR, that has included player of the month awards and six goals from midfield, his services will be in high demand as clubs look to build for 2014-15. Thankfully west Ham will have first call on his services asthey look to build a team fit for their soon to be new home at the Olympic Stadium.... Good to hear that he still knows that he is primarily a West Ham player!


Party-Pooping Hammers Ready To Wreck Title Hopes ....Again

Manchester (including the Guvnor) weeps in 1995...
History has such a knack of repesting itself...and so it is that it's all set up perfectly for the Hammers to once again ruin all the fun for an over-confident title-chasing side from Manchester.

This time it may be city rather than United, but after a 6-0 thumping in the League Cup semi-final, when  an understrength Hammers defence was mauled by a clinical City attack, the humiliation still sits uncomfortably with Big Sam and the lads.

Happily, the final day of the season clash presents the perfect opportunity to take revenge as Citehhhh will almost certainly need a win at home against the carefree Hammers to capture the title.

With little to play for except pride (and the small matter of revenge) the easy-going East-enders will surely roll over and let the aristrocrats enjoy their big day......... Errr - NO!!!  Even if it means letting Stevie G and the gang take the title, the Hammer's biggest achievements of the past 30 years have been as the party poopers who remind us all not to take anything for granted......

And of course, it could be Big Sam's last game in charge, which would certainly present a big opportunity for his troops to honour his legacy with some deliciously destructive deeds!

Monday, 28 April 2014

Don't Play it Again Sam: Hammers Fans Speak!

Sam Allardyce’s fondness for using statistical analysis to inform his footballing strategies may have finally come back to bite him as the results of a MASSIVE online poll indicate that 77% of West Ham fan’s think it is time for managerial change.
Over 12,000 fans participated and indicated a desire to abandon the Allardisi way for look for a more open and entertaining style of football - traditionally referred to by football fans as THE WEST HAM WAY.
The survey ran from Thursday and closed at 7pm on Sunday 27 April. It is thought to be the largest 'opinion poll' ever undertaken of a club's supporters.

The 16 sites taking part were Blowing Bubbles, Claret & Blues, Claret & Hugh, Ex-Hammers Magazine, Forever West Ham, Hammers in the Heart, Iron Views, KUMB, Moore Than Just a Club, VeryWestHam, West Ham Fan, West Ham Online, West Ham Till I Die, West Ham World, WHU Stuff and

Of those who voted, 27% are season ticket holders. Also, 28% of those who voted live in London, 26% in the South East, 12% in East Anglia. 14% who voted are overseas supporters.

Of those who voted, almost 5,000 left comments, the most repeated of which were: 
* We should thank Sam for what he has done but he is not the man for the future of the club.

* Nobody wants a witch hunt but it is time for him to go

* Any transition should be gentle and with a clear idea of a suitable replacement

* Sam's style of football is too one-dimensional. There is no plan B and he is adamant that he will not consider changing his style.
Another dude who liked his computers was Steve Jobs who is credited with saying; “time is limited, so don’t waste it trapped by the dogma of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise drown out your own inner voice. Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition”....Indeed!
One can sense that the fat lady is starting to clear her throat and won’t be singing ‘Play it again Sam’.
The conclusions of the poll have been sent to David Sullivan.

Sunday, 27 April 2014

The Dude abides: Hammers poll closed - but what did it Reveal?

Yes folks, it's all done and dusted and we wait for thestatistical analysis of the biggest ever poll of footie fans EVER EVER EVER (probably)

Keep your eyes peeled for the first mutterings...It's almost too much to bear, waiting to find out whether fans think Sam should stay or make way for a new era.

Maybe we should start preparing a man-United style ex-palyers management dream team......Dicks, Repka, Boogers, with Di canio as the Giggs-like figurehead?

Momo No Go: Diame Rebuts Speculation in Clearest Possible Terms

Fed up with all the squad-unsettling speculation regarding his future, future Hammers Captain Momo Diame has decided to follow in the tradition of our best poets and ‘show not tell’ by chaining himself to the gates of the Upton park stadium in order to send out the strongest possible message to Tottie Hotspuds, Liverpooh and the Gooners of Middle earth that he is a resolute Hammer (at least until his current contract expires at the end of next season which gives us another season to become the top six club he so covets!).
Still further evidence of Mo’s immovability was provided by Hammers Boss Sam Allardyce who, fed up with all the mouthwatering speculation, has taken to personally shredding all newspaper reports linking Diame with a move outside the Boleyn. Asked if he suffered any indigestion after the act, Big Sam reassured reporters that the papers were a darn sight tastier than most of the pies and burgers that are sold outside Upton Park on matchday.
Got any Ketchup anybody?
Meanwhile, Hammers chief of football, Bobby Fischer, has warned that he believes the Diame speculation may be a dummy run from our deceitful neighbours at No-Heart Lane and have taken the additional precautionary measure of also physically securing Hammers ace centre back Winston ‘Wonderful’ Reid. Hammers other centreback, James Tomkins, is thought to be too behaviourally swashbuckling for our rather tame neighbours.

In a further move to counter the crazy speculation that characterises the Summer break, Hammers chief David Gold has issued all squad members with some handy hand cuffs from the Ann Summers range. Hopefully these will keep our players well busy and physically challenged while they are inactive over the coming Summer break .

Hey Hammers!!! A Message From Ron Burgundy

Just in case you didn't know, the top social-media outlets relating to West ham United FC have come together to deliver a poll on whether Sam Allardyce should continue as club manager next season. This is a rare and important opportunity to voice your opinion.

If you haven't voted yet, time is running out and you need to cast your vote now! It takes less than a minute and the poll booth doors close tonight at 7PM...

I'd hate to be that guy who forgot to vote...


Saturday, 26 April 2014

What Would Bobby Do?

Yes indeedy folks- the turnout in the fans' poll continues to grow and grow as the Hammers faithful voice their opinions on the best option for West Ham as we move to a new season and ever closer to the Olympic Stadium era. This looks likely to be the greatest show of democracy in the club's history.

But how would Bobby have voted were he here today?

If you haven't voted yet, time is running out and you need to cast your vote now!

Hammers Face Thorny Trip to Albion in dogfight between the Westies

Our expert responds to suggestions that Sam might chnage his tactics
While Hammers fans have continued to reassure eachother that they are safe from relegation for this season, they still need a result to make that statistically correct and with games rapidly running out, will be keen to finally put any lingering doubts to bed. Albion, meanwhile, are up to their necks in trouble resting just above the drop zone with the clubs below them suddenly pulling out all sorts of amazing results.
The clash of these sides earlier in the season was a remarkable encounter as a makeshift Hammers defence was savaged by Le Sulk who celebrated with 'that' gesture. The rest has been done to death and ultimately much of the Baggies woe stems from the failure of Anelka to deliver the crucial strikes that would have earned them the couple of wins they have needed to be clear of the relegation lottery.

Instead, they have stuttered along as draw specialists, unable to kill off games. If they do get sucked into the bottom three come season's finale, they will surely also look to the ridiculous late penalty award that robbed them of a victory against Chelsea back in November. Neutrals, however, may point to the managerial chaos that followed Steve Clarke's dismissal as a key element in their difficulties - a theme that has characterised the relagation battle this year with only Crystal Pulis smiling after opting for radical managerial intervention. Sticking with Allardyce during the December crisis looks like a wise call by the West Ham directors but the future looks set to see this issue revisited. 
The speculation over Big Sam's future continues to gather momentun and is set to be informed by a massive poll of fans regarding his suitability to remain at the helm next year. results of this poll are set to be announced soon after it closes on Sunday evening - so if you haven't voted yet, it's a good time to have your say. The survey takes less than a minute and you can access it at
The teamsheets suggest that both sides are going to throw themselves at this one - the Baggies have the lowest number of victories this season, mainly due to their capacity to leak goals in the final ten minutes, while the Hammers early season defensive parsimony has disappeared as they are now 9 games without a clean sheet. Interestingly, Norbert McShitstats, our in-house dweeb has informed us that over the 97 previous contests between these two sides, the goal tally is 157 apiece!

Guy Demel returns at right back, while it's disappointment for Pablo Armero who is dropped and Georgie McCartney take up the honours at left back. With the pace of Albion down the flanks, and the desire to get a better look at Armero with a view to a more permanent move in the Summer, this seems a strange decision.

The 'Westies' have it out

A point would be reassuring but Albion's greater needs may prevail. Hmmm. Downing to break his Hammers duck in a 2-2 thriller?
West Ham: Adrian, Demel, Tomkins, Reid, McCartney, Nolan, Noble, Diame, Jarvis, Carroll, Downing
West Brom: Foster, Reid, Dawson, Olsson, Jones, Amalfitano, Mulumbu, Dorrans, Brunt, Sessegnon, Berahino

Mr T has a message for all REAL West Ham fans...

If you haven't voted yet, make sure to do so as soon as possible as the poll ends on Sunday!

Vote at :
BTW, he also aint got no time for Jibba Jabba, so just do it!!!

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Vote or die!!! Hammers look to South American way...

You heard it!!!
As the newly formed Hammers Media Consortium launched a poll examining fans views regarding the future management of the club, sources have indicated that they may be considering enforcing compulsory voting for all 'proper' Hammers' fans. Just like the world's premier footie nations of Brazil and Argentina, the east end outfit favour mandatory voting in an effort to embrace the exciting prospect of actual democracy at the club!!!


Although death is among the punishments threatened for non-compliant fans, it is thought that the additional punishment of enforced and repetitive scrutiny of the 2006 Cup final penalty shoot out interspersed with images of Frank Lampard's 100 greatest goals selection will 'encourage' most sensible Hammers fans to engage with the poll - although it is thought that Amnesty international are investigating this particularly horrifying and viciously annoying form of torture.

Unneccessarily cruel punishment
Meanwhile, in a crafty plan to 'out' any Millwall fans posing as Hammers faithful, the Kartel have included a question canvassing fans views of the Hammers greatest previous manager - with any votes for Avram Grant immediately excluding respondents from any further participation.

Are Millwall in the third flight yet or not just yet?
Otherwise, all eyes are on whether computer hackers can access the personal accounts of Hammers stars past and present to identify how they are voting, in what will surely turn out to be the greatest demonstration of footie democracy in the modern era!

Err...probably a spoiled vote?
If you haven't voted yet, make sure to do so as soon as possible as the poll ends on Sunday!

Vote at :

Should Sam Allardyce be retained as West Ham manager next season?

Social media gives West Ham fans a voice. Sometimes that voice makes uncomfortable listening for those in power. Hundreds of thousands of us use social media to vent our views on all things West Ham most days of the week. It’s rare that we all come together as one but in a unique, probably one-off initiative, virtually all the most popular West Ham sites, blogs and forums have decided to come together and run a unique poll on Sam Allardyce's future. It asks one significant question:

Should Sam Allardyce be retained as West Ham manager next season?

The participating sites are listed below. Between the sites we probably have more than a quarter of a million unique users each month between us. Maybe many more. We hope as many supporters as possible will take part. You will also be asked how often you go to a game, your age and where you live, just to ensure transparency and so we can't be derided as armchair supporters who never watch a game.

Please only take part in this poll if you are a supporter of West Ham United Football Club. And please only vote once. Multiple votes will be rejected by the polling software. Each of the participating sites will publish the results of the poll simultaneously next week. The results will also be forwarded to David Sullivan, David Gold and Karren Brady. Please spread the word and encourage all your West Ham supporting friends to register their vote.

The survey can be accessed by clicking on this link.

Blowing Bubbles, Claret & Blues, Claret & Hugh, Forever West Ham, Iron Views, KUMB, Moore Than Just a Club, Very West Ham, West Ham Online, West Ham Till I Die, West Ham World

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Hammers Enter the Crystal Maze

What is going on? Palace were no hopers when Pulis took over - with only seven points and sinking fast under the likeable, if occasionally foolish, Ian Holloway. Suddenly they are safe and, even worse, arrive at the Boleyn having already overcome the Hammers finest efforts earlier in the season and also on the back of a whopping four straight victories (is that a record for the Eagles in the top flight?)

Truly Tony Pulis deserves recognition for his immense efforts to transform an apparently  substandard squad into genuine Premiership contenders. Depending on Brendan Rodgers ultimate achievements, Pulis may have earned manager of the season!

The key to Pulis' success has been a familiar one - excellent organisation at the back, and fast counterattacking - perfectly set up for today's clash where the Hammers will be looking to dominate and must be careful not to get caught on the break.

And then there's Maroanne Chamakh - abject at Arsenal, hopeless at West Ham, and now a reasonable attacking option, and as Hammers fans will recall, the difference between the sides when they met in December. Interestingly, West ham have only one one of their last 6 matches with the Eagles. Even stranger, only 4 of their starting XI in December will start today.

Our prediction is that Big Sam will be looking for revenge and knows the Pulis method only too well to be fooled into playing too far forward against a side that relies upon space when they break from defence for most of their goals. Despite both sides apparent safety from any relegation fears, we expect a dour affair between two chess grandmasters who will relish the opportunity to outwit eachother in a game of attrition.

Hmmmm: 1-1. Carroll and Chamakh to score.

Every Football fan should read this...NOW!!!

As the footballing community comes to terms with the untimely death of 20 year old West Ham player Dylan Tombides after a 30 month battle with testicular cancer, we reflect upon a condition that has doubled in frequency over recent years. While there will be a minute of applause in Tombides honour before today's game, perhaps this time could be used to reflect upon key information that can help reduce the risk from this condition. For all men, regular self-examination is crucial to beating this condition – here are five key facts to consider:

ʘ Each year in the UK just over 2,000 men are diagnosed with testicular cancer. It is the most common type of cancer in men between the ages of 15 and 44 and the rate has doubled over the last 30 years.

ʘ The most common symptom of testicular cancer is a lump or swelling in one of the testicles. This is typically about the size of a pea, but may be larger. Less than 5% of testicular lumps are cancerous, but a lump should always be investigated – go to your GP asap!

ʘ The best way to combat testicular cancer is for all men to self-examine their testicles at least monthly – during or after a shower is an ideal time.

ʘ Examine each testicle with both hands. Place the index and middle fingers under the testicle with the thumbs placed on top. Roll the testicle gently between the thumbs and fingers. It’s normal for one testicle to be slightlylarger than the other. Also, the epididymis is a soft tube behind the testicle that collects and carries sperm - if you are practiced at self-examination, this shouldn’t be mistaken for a lump.

Probably best done in private
ʘ And remember, even if you do find something sinister, testicular cancer is one of the most treatable types of cancer. Over 95% of men with early stage testicular cancer will be completely cured. Even cases where the cancer has spread outside the testicles to nearby tissue have an 80% chance of being cured.

Dolan, Hartson, Tombides: we salute you.

Only rarely at VERYWESTHAM are we left without something sarcastic or zany to say in response to footballing events but on occasion humour cannot provide a tonic for genuine tragedy. As the footballing community comes to terms with the untimely death of 20 year old West Ham player Dylan Tombides after a 30 month battle with testicular cancer, we reflect upon a condition that has doubled in frequency over recent years and that has visited a number of high profile Hammers, including survivors John Hartson and Eamon Dolan (diagnosed in 2009 and 1993, respectively).
For all men, regular self-examination is crucial to beating this condition – here are five key facts to consider:
ʘ Each year in the UK just over 2,000 men are diagnosed with testicular cancer. It is the most common type of cancer in men between the ages of 15 and 44 and the rate has doubled over the last 30 years.

ʘ The most common symptom of testicular cancer is a lump or swelling in one of the testicles. This is typically about the size of a pea, but may be larger. Less than 5% of testicular lumps are cancerous, but a lump should always be investigated – go to your GP asap!

ʘ The best way to combat testicular cancer is for all men to self-examine their testicles at least monthly – during or after a shower is an ideal time.

ʘ Examine each testicle with both hands. Place the index and middle fingers under the testicle with the thumbs placed on top. Roll the testicle gently between the thumbs and fingers. It’s normal for one testicle to be slightly larger than the other. Also, the epididymis is a soft tube behind the testicle that collects and carries sperm - if you are practiced at self-examination, this shouldn’t be mistaken for a lump.

Probably best done in private
ʘ And remember, even if you do find something sinister, testicular cancer is one of the most treatable types of cancer. Over 95% of men with early stage testicular cancer will be completely cured. Even cases where the cancer has spread outside the testicles to nearby tissue have an 80% chance of being cured.


Tomkins in a Pickle as Methambenzadrine-spiking Theory Revealed

Some Rozzers beating up a guy who has a vague resemblance to Tomka
Hammers hero James Tomkins had to endure the incompetence of crown prosecution earlier this week as his trial for 'getting drunk and acting the tool after losing to Man United' - a crime that most Hammers fans will have a more than passing awareness of - was postponed because the relevant video footage of the incident could not be located!!!

The case could become the most embarrassing boob since the Jules Rimet World cup trophy went missing three months before the 1966 finals. After the rozzers bungled a ransom pay off, the nation had to rely on 'Pickles' a four year old dog to recover the trophy whilst on his morning walkabout.

Pickles in action
On that occasion, the hiatus between the theft and recovery of the trophy allowed for a string of crank theories to emerge as to what had happened - including One man who wrote to Scotland Yard to inform them that his clock had told him the trophy was in Wicklow, Ireland, while Adolf Hieke sent a photograph from a German newspaper with a carefully placed 'X' on the man he believed to be guilty of the theft.

We can surely expect a host of similar crackpot explanations of the Tomkins case - Peter Windybottom, a longtime Hammers observer was quick to reveal that the word on the street isthat Tomkin's drink was almost definitely "spiked with crystal methambenzadrine", while top psychobabbleologists have claimed that he may have multiple personality disorder and was "temporarily possessed by the tiny mind of a Chelsea fan with the consequent mindless foolishness".

Meanwhile, back in the splendour of Basildon District Court, after much huffing and puffing and harumping, it emerged that the file had been relocated - but not in time for the case to proceed on the day. Instead of striking out the charges and warning Tomkins to BEHAVE in the future (and put some of his endless dosh into the poor box), the case was postponed and will require another day away from the training ground.

All of this is particularly foolish given that every curious football fan in the country has seen footage of the incident that was posted within hours by a passer by who filmed the whole messy business on his phone-camera. Ironically, the distraction has done little to upset the star defender's form as he has been playing excellently since Christmas.

Robert Z may be planning a reworking of Hurricane
It appears that Tomkins hopes to argue that he was the victim of an assault. Hmmm - surely he's had long enough to sober up enough to realise that such stances rarely work and that it's usually better to take one's medicine and move on to bigger and better things (like developing the most impregnable Hammers defence of all time at the Olympic Stadium).

There's also another important lesson here - prevention is better than cure: STOP LOSING TO MAN UNITED!!!


Friday, 18 April 2014

Dylan Tombides 1994-2014: RIP

Happy times with Seb Lletget
With terrible sadness we note the death of Dylan Tombides at just 20 years of age.

When all is said and done, football is just a game we share in the journey of life.

Agony, ecstacy, heartbreak and jubilation but most importantly, we do it all together. So sorry we have to let you go all too soon.

So long young man, you will be forever in our thoughts as part of the team that plays in our dreams.

Rest in Peace.

Hammers to Appeal Arsenal Result

In a far from conventional development, West ham are said to be preparing an appeal against Tuesday night's result at the Emirates when they lost 3-1 to Arsenal. In a move that highlights the increasing pattern for Football clubs to influence the game via a variety of off-field antics, the East London outfit have decided to appeal the result on the grounds that it is simply too boring!

A spokesperson close to the Boleyn revealed "After careful consideration, we have decided that the match result was just all too predictable, with an out of sorts Arsenal rediscovering their scoring instincts after going one behind to a hammers side that made up for any lack of invention with lots of muscle and blah blah blah......".

Meanwhile, a host of groups have rowed in behind the West Ham campaign. Norbert Pedanticpantalons, Acting President of the 'Justice for the soccer victims of Alien Abduction' Association, suggested that foul play may underpin the cliched events of Tuesday night- " Everybody could see what's going on - it was a clear case of match fixing - even worse than the West Ham-Everton 'games' where West Ham inevitably come out the worng side of a close encounter with the bookies cleaning up". 
Like a bat outta hell....
Big Sam Allardyce was unavailable for comment but in either case it is unlikley that he will have much to contribute to the debate as he was not personally present at the game, but rather, sent a chemically modified clone in his place as he is too busy scouting for new players for next season as his work for Premiership season 2013-14 is already complete.

Meanwhile, Arsene Wenger will be pleased that his strikers are scoring late on the evening of a match rather than late the evening before a match, as has recently been reported in some sections of the media who have nothing better to do than stalk second string Premiership players.


Monday, 14 April 2014

Arsenal Thrown into Disarray by Wenger Revelations!

After many months of speculation, it was finally revealed today that Arsenal's erudite 'French' manager, generally known as Arsene Wenger, is in fact Bob Waddlesworth, a junior banking official from Slough!!! Amazingly, Bob, who has maintained this remarkable subterfuge for more than a decade, cannot speak French and previously knew nothing about football! In a surprise press announcement he explained to stunned reporters how it all started with an innocent joke using a Franglais accent that quickly progressed to an unhealthy addiction to the hilarious 80s comedy ‘Allo Allo’ before spiralling totally out of control so that he became possessed by the full 'French' persona that became Wenger.

Totally addictive!
Bob explained "i put in a joke CV for the Arsenal manager's post and presumed they would see through the ruse - for example, i had no previous experience as a player and i put down FC Nancy as my only managerial experience - i thought everybody was aware that FC Nancy are a made up concept to propagate the English stereotype of French men as effeminate, but I guess that the board were so desperate to move on from the horror of the George 'Grim' Graham era that anybody new seemed attractive”
Bob described how he spent long hours in front of the bathroom mirror in his bedsit in Slough perfecting a variety of pretentious facial expressions including the ‘deeply pensive’ to the ‘disingenuously disaffected’ looks that have become Wenger trademarks . These seemed to fool the gullible North Londoners and then all he had to do was find a team; “At first i played safe using fantasy football stats from the French League and it worked a treat because English players were so talentless at that time - we couldn’t stop winning trophies!”


However, Bob revealed how things then started to turn sour “ I think that some of the senior players rumbled that my accent was fake and that I never spoke in actual French – I realised that Vieira and Henry had to go! Luckily the rest of the squad were too self-absorbed to notice my shortcomings or the departure of the more intelligent members of the squad”. But the problems soon re-emerged as the new breed swopped sex addiction for alcoholism as their preferred vice and soon brought a new type of shame upon the club. "Unfortunately, i then got too ambitious and started using my own judgement - bringing in players because they looked like typical Arsenal 'types' with disastrous results such as Arshavin, Chamakh and Ozil”.
As things have continued to fall apart at hapless Highbury, Waddlesworth was forced to try increasingly desperate ploys to direct attentions away from his poor stewardship“ At the start of this year I realised that as we haven't won anything for years that it was becoming inevitable that i would be found out, so i decided to create a distraction by coming out with all this shamanic vibes bolloxology – if there’s one thing that I have learned over all these years it’s that the Gooners of Middle Arse are gullible!"

Bob said that he is relieved to have finally come clean and is now looking forward to getting back to watching his boyhood idols at Crystal Palace. “At least normal folk can afford to get into matches down there – not like all that overpriced bourgeois crap at Arsenal – it’s all fur coat and no kecks”

                          Ideal for those chilly evenings down at the Emirates: Kecks optional

In response ahead of tonight's big clash, West Ham manager Sam Allardyce commented " Arsenal are at a low ebb - we can take them. We used to batter them for fun when i was at Bolton, expect plenty of whinging afterwards from Widdlewaddle-Wenger or whatever he's called now about 'excessive physicality' and the likes "

AC preparing for tonights clash


Sunday, 13 April 2014

West Ham accused of running Zombie squad

With the Hammers on weekend leave, attentions for the seriously addicted fans turned to matters related, including the performance of on-loan and ex-Hammers. Down in the Chumpionship, it’s hard not to notice that West ham are clearly running a ‘development’ squad of players returning from the terrible injury trauma of being transferred to a lower club.

As QPR pushed for a rattle at promotion to the playoffs, their efforts were massively assisted by the efforts of Rob Green, and goalscoring Yossi Benayoun, Bobby the Z-man, and on-loan Raveldo Morrison, as they romped to a 5-2 victory over Nottingham’s florist, who’s best player was Henri Lansbury, another one who’s bubble has burst. With Maiga and Gaz O’Neil waiting in the wings, it’s a veritable Hammersfest at Lofty road.

Managed by ex-Hammers Head Honcho, Honest Harry Redknapp, the Queens and Park Rangers look set for a play-off scrap where history dictates that the team finishing third (VWH’s prediction for QPR) do not make it. This would probably be good news for West ham as it would force Ravel Morrison to return to the Boleyn in search of Premiership action. His star is rising and clearly he is wasted upon the past-it kickers and never-quite-made-it tryers of that division.

In other news, poor Jack Collison missed a penalty as the Gooners of Middle Arse slipped past Wigan in a penalty shoot-out that decided their FA Cup semi-final. In better news, Tragic Sheffield United, now in the third tier despite receiving gazzillions in compo from West Ham for theTevezgate affair, also saw their gutsy cup run squashed as they lost 5-3 to Hull City (NOT) Tigers. Meanwhile, those likeable rogues at Millwall could only muster a draw at home to Watford and look set to drop to League one (i.e. their natural habitat in the old Division three).

Oh! and Cheating Chico got found out and red-carded after a meer 16 minutes in possibly a season-defining moment for plunging Swansea. I guess that'll be a three match ban just when your team needs you most Mr Flores. What goes around deblah......

“In Haitian folklore, a zombie (Haitian Creole: zonbi) is an animated corpse raised by magical means, such as witchcraft”. ……..Is this Harry’s latest piece of mischief?

Johnson: I Sold my Soul to the Devil

I Believe i'll dust my broom!
As Liverpool find themselves on top of the Premiership with the title to lose, Ex-Hammer Glen Johnson will inevitably have taken time to reflect upon his success. This time last year manager Brendan Rodgers was the laughing stock with a team of misfiring stars, but wind forward and how things have changed!

In a transformation as stark as that which took young Robert Johnson, a previously  unremarkable musician, who allegedly sold his soul to the Devil at the crossroads and reappeared as a stunningly gifted bluesman who created the very foundations of modern music.

The similarity is so stark that some conspiracy-prone (i.e. bored) footie fans have started to ask questions as to whether young Glen Johnson may have sold his soul for a measure of fame that was previously unthinkable. In the case of the Mississippi bluesman, Robert Johnson is said to have admitted to his devilish deal with Lucifer before being poisoned by the jealous husband of one of his many lovers!

Back in happier times
The theory has much merit but flounders when one considers the simple rule of souls; everybody has one - but only one! Johnson was said to have traded his when he left Upton Park for the financial grandeur of Stamford Bridge back in 2003. one theory suggests that he may have had his soul returned by Beelzebub when he subsequently found himself stranded in the miserable climes of Fratton Park!

Recent evidence also points to seriously Satanic goings on as match referee for last weeks bizarre encounter with the Hammers was clearly possessed by something evil as he awarded a whopping two penalties to Johnson's Liverpool - the second a particularly ghoulish error that stank of the diabolic.

Either way, Sam's angelic Hammers will undoubtedly wish Johnson well as he finally realises the massive potential that was evident back as far as his time in the Hammers academy.

Well done Glen - any chance you'd return for another spell?


Saturday, 12 April 2014

It's Vulture Culture as Hammers Ready to Swoop for Johnson

Suits You, Sir!
As West Ham took a deserved break from the Premiership action , Big Sam has been  have been taking the opportunity to look at players who are likely to become available in the Summer. Allardyce is known for his conservative nature in respect of blooding new talent, and thus will be particularly interested in players with proven Premiership pedigree.

As a consequence, the growing demise of Sunderland will have grabbed the attentions of Allardyce, with our recent victory at the Stadium of Light having provided an ideal opportunity to cast an eye over a squad who are increasingly likely to become part of the traditional fire sale that besets newly relegated clubs. In that respect, Adam Johnson certainly  caught the eye.

The 26 year old has been one of the few positives in a difficult season for the black cats. Quick, skillful and with an astute eye for goal, he was a bargain signing for Sunderland in 2012 and has managed to notch ten goals for them this season. His ability to drift in from the wing would provide an excellent support for Andy Carroll and their shared background from the North East would allow for ease of verbal communication!

The Allardyce model has not really been given a chance this season due to a disastrous run of injuries, but it is well recognised that it is foundedupon a big target man up front with pacey and incisive wing play. Stewart Downing has been a major success and despite his lack of goalscoring prowess has the significant attribute of being able to play off either wing. Matt Jarvis has stuttered since his ten million pound signing and, significantly, has not managed to provide the service that Carroll's aerial ability demands. The popular but injury prone Joe Cole looks set to move on in the Summer along with Ricardo Vaz Te who has struggled to deliver at the highest level.

Although fans recently expressed their dissatisfaction with the standard of football being played by our beloved Hammers, as the relegation battle starts to realy kick off after yesterday's results, folk will be less inclined to moan about our recent 'ugly' victories - what would Sunderland give for a messy win at the moment? As such, it looks like Allardyce is set to stay for at least another season and he will be looking to improve upon our penetration down the wings.

Johnson looks like an ideal signing but as he is under contract until 2016 would require a substantial portion of Big Sam's transfer budget. Imagine an attacking diamond with Carroll at the pinnacle, Johnson and Downing on the wings and the returning Raveldo providing support from midfield. Surely that formation would satisfy the Hammer's fans desire for exciting attacking play?

And yes, we will be reverting back to our classic away strip next year, by order of VERYWESTHAM!!!


Thursday, 10 April 2014

Hammers Plans Rocked by Allegations of ‘Rampant’ Racism

To the delight of West Ham’s International fan base, the club have been actively exploring the possibility of a trip to New Zealand as part of next year's pre-season preparations. Wellington Phoenix (AKA 'the Nix') provide the sole Kiwi representation in the Hyundai A-league and have been in active negotiations with both West Ham and Newcastle in an effort to organise a four-team tournament in July. Hammers fans will undoubted recall with fondness the Aussie trip during the early nineties that unearthed the talent of former Hammer’s winger Stan ‘the man’ Lazaridis.

The Nix have previously been embroiled in difficulties with racism after ex-Sheffield United (Grr) and Millwall (triple Grrrrrr) player Paul Ifill was subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse whilst playing for the Phoenix against Adelaide United in 2012. The fan involved subsequently received a two-year ban for the incident and has thus presumably been forced to watch the nonsense that is Aussie rules as a replacement for his football fix .

 However, the unsavoury side of racism has again become an issue for Kiwi footie as a Wellington United player received a ten match suspension for allegedly making monkey noises towards an opponent playing for Kapiti Coast. Capital Football's spokesperson, Richard Reid (no relation to Winston or his namesake of shoe infamy) announced this morning that the issue would be dealt with firmly to stamp out such unacceptable behaviour.

The player has received an initial ten match suspension, but concerns have been expressed as it has emerged that there have been over 50 complaints regarding racially insensitive happenings in the Capital league over the past three years! No wonder the problem has been described as ‘rampant’ in some quarters of the media.

Meanwhile, VERYWESTHAM’s secret scouting tour of New Zealand concludes today as the crack talent-spotting team make the long journey home to prepare for next week’s not-at-all crucial tie with the Gooners of Middle Arse. It is rumoured that the VWH team have prepared a top-secret dossier of possible transfer targets during the post-season squad development and which is highly likely to be ‘leaked’ on the internet over the coming days.

In the interim, let’s hope the Kiwi football authorities can eradicate this problem asap. And if the trip goes ahead, for any Hammers fans planning to stay in Wellington, we can highly recommend the Gourmet Hotel in Frederick’s Street near the City centre where proprietor Mark is an avid Hammer’s fan .


Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Winston Reid: The Ian Curtis Connection Revealed!

The premature end to the Hammers Premiership season has provided an ideal opportunity for VERYWESTHAM's senior crime reporter to make a flash visit to war-torn New Zealand, also known as the home to Hammers defensive star and All Whites captain, Winston Reid. Whilst passing through one of Wellington's edgy urbs, our reporter encountered a stunning street-art tribute to New Zealand's finest Hammer.

Located on Wallace Street, the mural is one of Wellington's many examples of stunning graffiti art that has emerged by virtue of a thriving but much under fire scene. Not far from the Reid tribute is perhaps the World's most infamous Joy Division mural - one that has had many incarnations over the years as part of a dispute between the artist and the fascists down at Wellington city council, but which is present in all it's glory at the present time and serving as a reminder of perhaps indie music's greatest icon - the tragic Ian Curtis.

Meanwhile, attention is increasingly focused upon Reid footballing future as a host of clubs are queueing up to try and prise his services from the East End club. However, Messers Gold and Sullivan are said to be determined to keep the Kiwi star as they prepare for life at the Olympic Stadium, and have devised a cunning and failsafe means of holding on to his services.