Thursday, 31 October 2013

Gooners make an arse of themselves with comedy offer for Hammers Hero

The comedy that is Arse 'n all FC hit a new high today with the alleged joke bid for West Ham’s hugely talented centre back Winston Reid. In an effort to destabilise the Hammers, Arsene Wenger made a completely laughable bid of 6.5 marillion for the incredibly talented Kiwi. This is just the latest prank from the totally hilarious Frenchman who it is rumoured also does a line in cushions that make farty noises and madcap plastic pooh ornaments. OOOhooooo Wotalaff!
Fish, lead singer with Marillion - the hopelessly unfashionable 1980s rockers-  issued a rapid retort that there could never be anything worth six and half Marillions, not even 2 Def Leppards! Hammers fans will undoubtedly be seething at the suggestion that the Sheffield snoozerock band might have any valuation relevant to a Hammers player – especially since Carlos Tevez was equated with enough cash to sink the curmudgeonly outfit, who are presently half way to exiting the league down at the bottom of league one. 
                                                      Wenger's joke went all Pete Tong!

It is thought that Arsene may have gotten hooked on pranking after recently spending too much time with that famous gooners fan Paul Kaye, AKA Denis Pennis, who makes a living out of persuading celebrities to make tits out of themselves – poor Wenger seems to have become his latest victim! Of course, Arse 'n all fans are likely to be forgiving of Arsene given that he is just the latest in a long line of foolish Gooners. 
West Ham responded this evening to say that they were quite busy dealing with the serious matter of running a football club and would hope to be in a position to deal with prank calls at a later date. The staff at the Emirates were too busy putting fake antler attachments on the first team's cars to answer the phone.


Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Burnley 0-2 West Ham: Hammers take the claret while Burnley are blue

There's only one claret and bloo
It was only ever gonna end with some claret getting spilled, but fortunately for the Hammers, Big Sam was left savouring a glass of the finest wine whilst Sean Dyche was left cold as the Premiership big boys gave Burnley a feel for the challenge ahead if they can stay top of the Championship and achieve Premiership status next year.

With a young side eager for big match experience, West Ham took the field wondering if they could halt Burnley’s remarkable home progress so far this season. After a pretty tame first 45 minutes, where possession was 50-50 but without any clear cut scoring chances,  it all kicked off in the second period as the Hammers went in search of the crucial breakthrough. On came Jack Collison, home from his holidays in Bournemouth and raring to go. In some nice interchanges that followed, Burnley started to look less secure at the back and the Hammers looked strangely exciting in a 4-4-2 with Maiga and Cole linking up well. With the gathering sense that a breakthrough was nigh, Joe Cole had a delightful goal from an overhead kick disallowed for offside. Grrr!

On came Downing and Nolan for Tomkins and Cole and soonafter Nolan was hauled down in the box. As Hammers fans braced themselves for the inevitable Noble conversion, it suddenly dawned that Nobes was back at home enjoying a night off! Up stepped Matt Taylor – accurate as always and dispensed the kick. 1-0.

Burnley huffed a bit but as injury time arrived they pushed on too hard and were caught by the breaking Hammers. Collison was on the point of walking the ball into the net when he was clattered by Keith Treacy and a second penalty was awarded. Tough on Treacy who had been Burnley’s best player on the night. Collison took on the responsibility and slotted for 2-0.
A great debut for Pelly Ruddock and excellent performances from Leo Chambers and Dan Potts as well.

And so it’s on to the last eight. Hmmmm.

Oi! That’s our jersey! Claret n Blue Kit conspiracy uncovered

Tonight sees the mouth watering clash of Premiership wannabees, Burnley, at home to the big boys from West Ham in the last 16 of the Capital One Cup. However, those in the know are aware that this is in fact a much more significant contest as the clubs vie for the right to be called “the Kings of Claret”. The practice of claret wearing has long fallen into disrepute such that clubs who wish to engage in such clashes have been forced underground even to the hidden depths of the totally ignored ‘other’ cup competition that generally only attracts the energies of clubs reserve team players.
      Burnley 2011          /         West Ham 2013

However, tonights tie has become so much more significant amidst rumours that a group of clubs have been secretly swapping jerseys in order to cut down on design costs in this era of annual strips designed to extract even more dosh from today’s cash strapped fans. Having plain run out of ideas ( as evidenced by the awful Hammers away kit for this season) a group of clubs came together to arrange to secretly recycle old kits upon easily duped fans.

Alf - relaxing at home earlier today
Alf Bristlebottom, a private investigator from the Canning town area has blown the lid on this distasteful affair by revealing the extent of the conspiracy: While Villa and West Ham have ‘borrowed’ extensively from eachothers wardrobes, the likes of Burnley and Scunthorpe have received hand me downs when fans of the Premiership outfits have grown tired of their kits. In order to cover their tracks when further recycling the kits, the jerseys have then been sold on to non-leagoe outfit Weymouth FC and also to a host of foreign clubs – Drogheda United and Galway United in the Republic of Ireland and the kits have even been tracked down as far away as Trabzonspor in Turkey!
                                                                 Weymouth FC
                                                                         FC  Trabzonspor
Having revealed the extent of the subterfuge, Alf has realised that UEFA and FIFA are already overwrought with problems of match fixing and racism and has therefore made the generous offer of turning a blind eye upon footballs latest scandalous atrocity in return for a three month subscription to Fortean Times and a carton of fags.

Bristlebottom has laughed off the carefully manufactured lies that occupy the history books and have it that West Ham adopted claret and blue colours in the summer of 1899 when their right-half Charlie Dove received the kit from his father William Dove, who was a professional sprinter of national repute, as well as being involved with the coaching at Thames Ironworks. Dove Sr. had been at a fair in Birmingham, close to Villa Park, and was challenged to a race against four Aston Villa players. Dove defeated them and, when they were unable to pay the bet, one of the Villains who was the kit washer offered a complete set of jerseys to Dove in payment. “Nonsense” Alf has revealed “everybody knows the Brummies are too mean to part with a complete set of jerseys!”

Either way, let’s hope the players don’t get confused by the jerseys tonight and start mistakenly passing to the opposition

Monday, 28 October 2013

Zilch-Zilch ZZZZzzzzz: Swansea and West Ham ‘battle’ ends in a stalemate

Even as the final whistle sounded rumors were circulating that West Ham and Swansea could be facing the wrath of UEFA after a truly remarkable match at the Liberty stadium. In the face of ever growing allegations of match fixing, the latest scourge in world football involves claims that modern clubs have simply run out of ideas for new matches and are increasingly resorting to ‘copying’old games from the past! 
In this respect, the ‘battle’ between the Hammers and Swans played out as a stalemate like a routine encounter from the bad old days of Italian football when spectators regularly lost days and even weeks in Rip Van Winkel type snoozefests while hapless ground staff tried to reawaken comatose fans. Allardici has spoken, but his Italian style is dull and unimaginitive.
Not everything Italian is totally desirable
After yesterdays ‘lively’ encounter, one unfortunate spectator fell into such a deep coma that they were pronounced clinically dead upon arrival at Swansea General Hospital. It was only when his mates alerted the medical team to his ‘special’ circumstances that the duty doctor agreed to cancel the referral to the organ donor service. Thankfully, Messers Sullivan and Gold realising that such an attrition could affect attendance at the Olympic stadium, have acted swiftly by instructing the supporters club to issue all fans with special ‘I’m not dead, just really really bored’ bracelets to make sure none wake up after their next game minus their kidneys.

Otherwise, yesterday’s game provided further evidence that, rather than providing some new world-beating tactical solution, the headless 1-3-8-0 formation is mostly thoughtless as well. With the occasional flukey exception (Spurs!), the formation provides zero penetration of the opposition’s defence and serves mainly to clutter midfield and thus reduce the game to a series of set pieces with virtually no free-flowing football in between. In rugger, the analogy is of ‘quick’ ball where if possession isn’t recycled rapidly then the opposition can regroup and suffocate all movement. In that sense, the Hammers play like an old style rugger team who simply ruck and ruck without any spreading of the ball into open spaces. With such tactics, it makes little difference whether the ball is circular or oval.  

As for individual performances, there were few to write home about. The defence were solid. Tomkins and Rat in particular had excellent games and both look match sharp. Reid was his usual calm and assured self. Guy Demel seems hell bent on getting his first goal for the Hammers and found  a number of good positions but squandered each opportunity. Downing looked good in the first half and the excitement that his whipped crosses bring really contrasts with the gently floated efforts of Matt Jarvis that inevitably end up in the keeper’s hands most of the time. Perhaps Mr Downing might give young Matty a few training ground lessons.

However. It’s a true measure of how ‘well’ we are playing that once again Jussi Jaaskelainen was our stand out player.

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Headless Hammers lurch towards Swansea

After the horror of last week’s visit of Man City, the wounded Hammers will be out for revenge against Swansea as they make the long trip across Europe to wonderful Wales. The delicate football artistry of the Swans under Michael Laudrup will surely contrast with the brutish physicality of the Hammers who will look to use their undoubted muscle to deny the home side any opportunity to indulge in any welsh wizardry.  

First blood will be crucial as the Hammers will hope to repeat their efforts on their last away day when poor Spurs were put to the sword when they tried to chase the game.  In contrast, Swansea are well equipped to punish any side who push too far forward (the Bubbles boyz will recall last season’s ‘disappointing’ encounter at the Liberty stadium) and will look to use the humungous quantities of possession that Big Sam’s troops allow opposing teams, although whether there will be room for any artistry in a midfield that is simply packed to the gills due to the Hammers innovative "headless" 1-3-8-0 formation is debatable. 

Swansea have has a mixed start to this season but still look a quality side on their day. The hammers have played well but have not enjoyed the good fortune that saw them  amass 15 points by this stage last year compared to the considerably more modest haul of 8 points from the 8 games so far this season.  If they finish these seven points less than last year there will be some very sweaty moments as the season draws to a climax.
That said, the Swans can hardly expect the same schoolboy defending that the Hammers engaged in last year when Jussi and Ginge conspired to gift their opponents a two goal lead, and they also shouldn’t bank upon the Hammers continuing their mysterious habit of leaking goals at set pieces that has blighted their season so far. Swansea have enjoyed mixed form at home this season so far, leking an average of two goals a game but sadly, at the other end the Hammers have hardly troubled the opposition keepers during their away day travels and even when they do their shooting accuracy has been abysmal. 

Hmmm - let's hope Laudrup isn't enjoying the same after match glow as Pellegrinning enjoyed this time last week.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

Hammers-Man City Preview: East end Urchins await affluent underachievers

Spare a thought for the poor overworked staff at the Boleyn ground who have been busy all week preparing for the visit of the mighty megabucks men of Manchester City. The nouveau-riche mancunians are rumoured to be planning to arrive in a specially designed gold jet and have insisted on all sorts of pointlessly expensive amendments to the visitors changing area, including a Joe Hart ego-holder! 
Meanwhile, Big Sam’s streetwise urchins continue to make the most of what they have and plan to frustrate their pampered visitors before treating them to the same mauling that the hapless Hotspurs received two weeks ago. City, who are currently cash-rich but results poor, may find Big Sam’s latest innovative formation difficult to fathom as it is rumoured that he plans to play a full team of midfielders, including dropping Jussi Jaaskelainen in favour of Mark Noble who recently deputised in goal during the pre-season friendlies. This may not be true but will at the very least serve to befuddle and outwit the Citizens (?!?) who are managed by Chilean Manuel Pellegrini.

No matter how much the Hammers’ antics confuse the Chilean, they will almost certainly fall short of the level of befuddlement the Hammers experienced when their crazy Chilean defender Javier Margas disappeared from the Boleyn only to reappear weeks later on the run in Chile! He has subsequently settled down and has limited his recent exploits to appearing on a Chilean celebrity treasure Island show and purchasing Augusto Pinochet’s armoured car!

Either way, Man City will need to watch out for the Hammers latest South American superstar in Raveldo Morrison who is on fire and will no doubt look forward to getting one over on his Mancunian rivals.
How crazy can it get out there? We predict 4-3 to the Hammers!

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Babyfaced assassin ready to become Hammers new hitman

With all the talk about cover for the crocked Andy Carroll, and panic purchasing of out of work strikers, the Hammers seem to have overlooked the obvious solution to their troubles. With a tradition that is steeped in youth development and the much fabled ‘academy’ it seems a pretty obvious place to start looking for new blood when an opening arises yet strangely, the Hammers management team seem to be totally unaware of the frighteningly prolific talent that is sitting under their eyes in young Elliot Lee. The teenage starlet has found himself unable to stop scoring for the development squad this year with an average of a goal a game including another brace last night. The babyfaced assassin, with the slicked back hairstyle preferred by mob hitmen of the American 50s, is surely ready to step it up soon and join those other Hammers with excessively neat hairstyles – Dan Potts and Kevin Nolan.


Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Barca ready to swoop for Ravel!!!

Actually NO, there is no evidence to suggest that Barca are currently interested in the youngster but given the level of publicity since his ‘wonder’ goal versus Tottenham anything seems possible.

The past week has seen observers exposed to all sorts of Raveldo trickery from mesmerising no less than six San Marino defenders at U21 level to a dazzling goal in training where he seems to defy the laws of gravity with a ‘weird’ chip of the keeper and now to the sensational double strike versus Lithuania U21s which included another Georgie Best-style defence garrotting run and cool finish past the hapless keeper.  
Raveldo is  certainly on fire!

We may as well get used to the bogus headlines as the media seem to have found the latest starlet to fuel the rumour mill when things go quiet!
From what we have been told about his past, this stands to provide a big test of Big Sam’s man management skills.

in other news, the management team at the Nou Camp have decided not to sign ace-blogger come right-sided midfielder Davaldo despite his recent visit to the ground as pictured above. Sadly for Davaldo, the visit ended in tears as his refusal to exit the ground without a 'proper' trial met with excessive and unneccessary violence from the security staff.
In revenge (and after he has recovered from a nasty elbow strain sustained during the 'trial') he is currently considering making himself available for Barca's main rivals at Real Madrid where it is rumoured (by himself) that he could form a useful partnership with Gareth Bale.
We will keep you abreast etc etc...

Monday, 14 October 2013

West Ham’re-United…….And it feels so good!!! Carlton comes home…

Rumours abound that Carlton ‘Killer’ Cole – much loved amongst Hammers fans – is on the verge of signing a new contract at the Boleyn. Having come through a fitness test  during the week that was held behind closed doors against Charlton, he is now set to sign up for another spell of Bubbles mayhem!
Apparently, the initial contract is for a miserly three month period, but given his relative youth at just 29 years of age, anything is possible. – especially in view of the unpredictable path Andy Carroll’s injury has followed so far.

Let’s hope he can rediscover the form that contributed so importantly to our escape from the Championship two years ago. No doubt, all Hammers fans will wish him every success in his ‘new’ role!
Welcome home big man!

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Is this finally Rock bottom?

Even the most curmudgeonly-inclined Hammers fan would surely take pity upon the hapless Blades as they sunk to bottom of league one (Division three for ageing pedants) after a Leon Clarke brace for Coventry in front of a miserable 2000 fans
Surely it cannot get any worse for the cash-rich but result-poor Blades?
Maybe they should ask fans of Aldershot, Barrow, Cambridge United, Chester City, Darlington, Halifax Town, Hereford United, Lincoln City, Luton Town Newport County, Southport, Workington, Wrexham....

Computer Says No! Allardisi fails statistical analysis

In the very week that Sam Allardyce is being hailed for his tactical genius after the thunderous thrashing that was dished out to a limp Tottenham Hotspurs side at White Hart Lane, some boffins within the Verywestham camp have spoiled all the fun by subjecting the much lauded one to some cold statistical scrutiny.

Unexpectedly, it has emerged that Sam’s win statistics have undergone a frightening fall during the 2013-4 season and currently stand at a concerning 29% win rate. This compares most unfavourably with last season when a Hammers side that was merely finding it’s feet back in the Premiership managed an impressive 32% win rate. Even worse, it has emerged that Big Sam’s success rate with other less glamorous Premiership sides is even higher with his career average at a colossal 35%!

Overall, the cuddly from Dudley ranks as the 45th most successful manager – one place below the hapless Avram Grant and two places below Alain dePardew.  Of note, the most successful ever Hammers Premiership boss was the incomparable Sir Trevor Brooking who managed a 67% win rate during his three games in charge and is thus ranked 6th overall.

                                                                        Cool and unflappable!
This places the current Hammers boss more than two standard deviations from the mean Brooking score and this raises the considerable likelihood that this is more than a mere trend and actually may reflect a statistically significant difference!

Other computer statistics have highlighted how the Hammers are simply not winning enough of their own throw ins and concede a whopping 52% of possession from throw ins that are taken in the oppositions half of the pitch! 
                                                                      Science - bitch!
These findings emphasise how computers don’t always capture the whole picture – a fact that some of Sam’s troops may well remind him of when he next chastises them for their statistically suboptimal performances!

Hammers release new ‘Cuddly Hooligan’ merchandise

Who would ever have thought that the artistic types down the Boleyn would ever find themselves associated with ‘ugly’ or ‘effective’ football as per the Allardyce method? Similarly, who would ever have envisaged the Hammers moving home away from the hallowed turf at Upton Park? In similarly unexpected developments, the current crop of Hammers fans have found themselves top of the Premiership good behaviour league!!! 

Premiership fair play standings for fans are scored per match for unacceptable loutish thuggery (a negative score) and positively for enthusiastic encouragement along with polite clapping of good play by opposing players (?!?!?). After six matches of the 2013-2014 season, the spiffingly well behaved Bubbles boyz find themselves clear at the top of the Premiership good guys league!

The result represents an incredible turn around for the club and once again demonstrates our versatility under the Twin-Davids & Mrs Brady-old-lady regime– they can play it pretty or ugly depending on the prevailing philosophy of the day. While previous generations have witnessed the pretty on-field soccer artistry matched by mindless thuggery on the terraces, the Allardyce era has seen a switch to the Hammers apparently having the most polite and altruistic supporters paired with the brutal physicality of our current highly muscular squad.

While the ratings serve as encouragement to Hammers chiefs, it is probably worth noting that those ‘terrifying’ monsters who support the likes of Fulham (?!?) or follow Hull City (Meeow!) are rated amongst the worst behaved fans of the Premiership so far. I guess that must be for not properly disposing of their match day programmes, eating unhealthy foods at matches or other ‘horrific’ behaviour.
Since the last included rating the Hammers have made the treacherous trip to White Hart Lane where sensitivities currently run super-high. However, the fans exemplary behaviour during that trip will undoubtedly further stretch their lead at the top of the table. In contrast, the growing comedy down at White Hart Lane will undoubtedly catapult Spurs to the bottom of the league as, having identified a racial sensitivity to put opposing fans under the spotlight, they have quickly discovered the need to get the self-stigma of their own ‘Y-Army’ in order before criticising their neighbours for potential name calling.

Meanwhile, back at the pinnacle of the good behaviour ratings, those merchandising masterminds at the Boleyn are rumoured to be about to release a range of must have products for the discerning Hammer. In addition to a Danny Dyer teddythug, they have designed a selection of harmless paper stickers to stick on opposing fans who fall asleep during matches. There are also plans for a Ray Winstone envelope opener and a Russell Brand dog toy.

 It’s hard to know what all those glorified faux-hooligans of Hollywood fame would make of it all but already HBO have announced plans to seize upon the opportunity with a new series to fill that ‘difficult’ early evening slot usually occupied by saccharine sweet sitcoms of the Brady Bunch ilk. Their new show will feature West Ham fans getting into all sorts of sticky situations while doing wholesome volunteer work and attending worthy community causes and the like runoured to be called ‘The trouble with Bubbles'.

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Blunt Blades plumb new depths of despair

Jimmy Dunne: Hardly impressed
Remember when Sheffield had two clubs in the top league?  Such a thought may become a distant memory for folk from the steel city as the red and white side of Sheffield find themselves sliding into oblivion. The latest chapter has seen manager David Weir sacked after a mere 13 games in charge and with the club in the relegation zone of League one – that’s the old third division for you traditionalists! Gone are the glory days of Tony Currie and the legendary Jimmy Dunne to be replaced by the humiliating scene of being tonked at home by Hartlepool in the cup during midweek.
And all of this has happened despite the enormously generous boost of a ‘compensation’ pay out from West Ham of £20 million from the Tevezgate bungled paperwork affair and. More recently, the support of new owner, multi-millionaire Orince Abdullah who had bankrolled a host of new signings for this season in the expectation that the Blades would slice their way up the league. However, they have managed only 7 goals in 13 games and are currently the laughing stock of League One languishing in 22nd place!

Ironically, the city’s motto is "Deo Adjuvante Labor Proficit" (With God's help our labour is successful)….. Whatever could the Blades have done to deserve such dreadfully bad luck?  Hmmmm.
Verywetsham promises to keep you abreast of all the latest atrocities at Bramall lane.....and at the JJB/DW/Wigan.
That's a promise.

The curious case of Carlton ‘Boomerang’ Cole?

Are VeryWestHam alone in our gathering sense of discomfort about the whole Carlton Cole affair since he parted ways with the club last Summer? While the decision to seek a new challenge was totally understandable in the context of his age and obvious second choice status to Andy Carroll in a lone-striker system, what has followed has become increasingly mystifying. After a Summer being linked with all sorts of exotic new employers ranging from Japan to the USA to Turkey and even ‘tragic’ QPR, in the short space of a few months he has dropped from being the tee shirt icon of “Sex and drugs and Carlton Cole” status, to being better described as “sex and drugs and on the dole”!
The latest nonsense that played out as a ‘behind the scenes’ friendly with Charlton seemed bizarre to say the least as he seems to be expected to prove his fitness and value to the cause. What can we really learn about Carlton in a soul-less encounter with a modest Championship side that we don’t already know? After 5 years Carlton’s footballing abilities pose little mystery and any half attentive Hammers fan knows both the capabilities and limitations of the big man. For sure, he is a physical presence on the field who weighs in with a modest goal haul that includes some memorable crackers, but he simply doesn’t score enough of the tap ins that a truly predatorial striker thrives upon to serve as the lead striker in a strike force of one. Moreover, Carlton is a big game player – remember the Championship play off final or the thumping of Chelsea last year? Charlton with a stray dog and two empty crisp bags as an audience is hardly what gets the big man up for it!

However, perhaps the more difficult aspect to get to grips with is the fact that any observer of Cole’s progress over the years will have recognised that he suffers more than most from the ‘confidence’ syndrome – when he is buzzing he can be virtually unmarkable, while when his confidence ebbs, he can look disinterested  and even lost out on the pitch. This Jekyll and Hyde aspect of his character has served to frustrate the Hammers faithful while also bringing him into our affections. Carlton responds to encouragement and reinforcement rather than the challenge of proving himself or doubters wrong. At present we seem to be sending mixed messages as to whether we really want him and whether we think he’s actually good enough. Hardly the positivity he tends to thrive upon.
And this is what makes the current pantomime all the more bemusing – even if he does ultimately sign for us we are likely to get the ‘low in confidence’ Carlton rather than the buzzing for action ‘Killer’ Cole that Andy Carroll’s absence requires. Perhaps even more significantly,  Carlton is a proper Hammer more because of his likeability and commitment than raw ability or scoring prowess. This guy is an all round decent bloke who took a pay cut for the cause when we were haemorrhaging both financially and spiritually after the Avram Grant relegation. I’m sure all true Hammers fans had that special feeling that we are more than just a financial entity when Carlton revealed “You can't be on Premier League wages in the Championship. I know money is a massive factor in everyone's career, but when you don't deserve it, as you have been relegated, you need to work back to where you need to get to”. Not every club can boast that it provokes that kind of loyalty amongst the increasingly mercenary players of the modern era, but we do pride ourselves upon being ‘Moore than just a football club’ and somewhere deep inside I think that we all actually do believe that to be true.

In this very week when Harry Rednapp’s autobiography has highlighted the importance of looking after our own – both absolute legends like Bobby Moore and Billy Bonds as well as loyal servants such as Carlton – we should be doing better by the lad.
Much much better.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Carlton's Charlton verdict provides clue to Carroll comeback


As Carlton Cole returned for a specially arranged friendly with Charlton to assess his fitness ahead of a possible new deal, observers have noted how the outcome will point towards whether the Carroll injury crisis is likely to end soon or if a new year return is more realistic.

The game ended in defeat for a Hammers side that included a number of returning first team players such as Joe Cole and Stewart Downing who were gaining crucial match time, as well as Cole's principal rival for the striker's role in Mladen Petric.

Petric opened the scoring in a move that began with a Cole knock down but ultimately the Hammers were well beaten. There has been a deafening silence from thew Boleyn and ominously Hammers coach Ian Hendon did not mention Cole in his post match assessment, but did reserve praise for Mladen Petric and his improving fitness.

Maybe Carroll will be returning in the near future after all. 


Sunday, 6 October 2013

Spurs 0-3 West Ham: Raveldo Puts sorry Spurs to the sword!

The pre match build up all week had focused upon the Y-word but in reality the East London derby will be remembered for the R-word as Ravel Morrison scored a sensational third goal to put the icing on a stunning second half performance by the Hammers. Spurs were left looking clueless as the Sam’s solid formation left them shooting from distance and then finally they were undone from a set piece as Winston Reid slapped in an opening from a messy clearance by Spurs.

As Spurs pushed forward it was classic counterattack and the rediscovered Ricky Vaz Te thrust in on goal and simply refused to be denied by the keeper who bravely parried only to see the ball canon back off Vaz Te’s knee and into the net. The Hammers sensed a spanking and duly ddleivered when some superb work out of defence resulted in Ravel Morrison taking on the Spurs defence who simply could not stop his progress before he slid the ball past the hapless keeper into the net.

 It was smiles all round and why not as the Hammers had as a team outplayed their expensive and overrated opponents. There was still time for the Joey’s to come on and savour the moment as well as some mighty amusing corner flag antics from the excellent Stewart Downing. Sam looked pleased – his best result as the Hammers manger SO FAR? 

Oh, and how the game could have been different if a certain Jermain Defoe had been more clinical with two excellent chances either side of half time. But it was West Ham’s day – and one to remember.


Thursday, 3 October 2013

Pet sounds as Beach Boys head for Bournemouth!

In remarkable scenes over the past week little Bournemouth have managed to pinch two Hammers stars on loan and rumours abound that more will follow as players seek a sunny break to recharge their batteries. 

First off was Hammers hero Jack Collison who finding himself at a bit of a losse end and short of game time decided to head for a short break to the seaside. As word filtered back to East London about the brilliant beach and sensational pier, Goalkeeper Stephen Henderson also decided to take some time out and head for Dorset.

Hammers fans now await the next departure. Fans of James ‘Ginge’ Collins can rest assured that any potential move to a dangerously sunny are a is more than unlikely but fans are much less confident regarding the tanned James 'Julio' Tomkins future at the Boleyn as it is feared that the dishy latin-looking defender could easily be tempted away to a sunnier destination.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Nightwear on Green Street: Hammers move to address nightmare start to season

In a move that again goes to prove that the Hammers uberlords Messers Gold and Sullivan are totally attuned to the Hammers supporters needs, the club have released a sensational range of snuggly nightwear for Hammers fans to wear during the sleep-inducing performances of this so far nightmarish season.  

The stylish new products are sure to be a big hit amongst the bubbles faithful as they cosy up for some upcoming snoozefests where goals are unlikely to interrupt fans’ efforts to catch up on some much needed kip.  

First up, at a mere £29.99, the hoodied all in one Pjs garment combines the need to keep warm with the capacity to pull the hood over one’s eyes to avoid watching the opposition enjoying their usual 70% share of possession – unusually, these stats apply to both home and away matches thereby adding to the versatility of the product!
Then there’s the elegant tartan-style flannel two-piece pyjama set that will serve to bring back fond memories of back when West Ham had an exciting forward line that included tartan Jock favourite Frankie McAvennie. Moreover,  the mildly comical design will allow totally bored out of their bangers fans to pass time during matches doing impersonations of the Bay City Rollers.

And as if that weren’t enough, the club have also released a fantastically fluffy striped dressing gown for those fans who might want to be at their seductive best for ‘her indoors’ before and after crunch match sleepovers. In even better news, it is rumoured that the first 50,000 customers will also get a free pair of matching slippers.
The new products are sure to go down well across the spectrum of Hammers fans and General manager Karren Brady has agreed to showcase them at the next home fixture.